Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Pity Party Time....

As I was (unsuccessfully) trying to fall asleep last night...I had a pity party. I try really REALLY hard to NOT have pity parties....they are lame....don't leave you feeling any better....and typically make me cry or say something I regret - or both.  However, LAST night as I lay in bed with my arms taking turns falling numb...my back aching...and my feet swelling...I could not fight the Pity Party Pull.

Sooo....I thought I'd voice what I was feeling....pretty sure I'm not the only one who has felt these things.

I must preface this with: I LOVE My Love. Very, very much. But part of this man I love is the job he does...and sometimes it just stinks. Like when he is gone. I am an extremely big fan of having him around - I can handle things without him - but I sure PREFER to have him here!

Sometimes I feel guilty because the day is so busy that when I finally collapse into bed....I realize I didn't miss him at all. I just went through my day and accomplished my tasks...and didn't have time to miss him. I love him so very much! But sometimes it is just easier to compartmentalize and keep everything I have to juggle in front of me....and not think about the huge place that is empty.

Sometimes I get tired of feeling like the 3rd wheel. Everyone has experienced this at some point...and will most likely experience it again...but the odd thing about this military life is that if your active duty spouse is on sea duty, there's a good chance many people you rely on may not even know your spouse.

Flying solo is NOT the end of the world...I am thankful for the (very small) understanding I now have for single moms and single people in general. This whole world seems manufactured for pairs...so when you are solo it just seems to constantly be in your face. Kinda like how everything is made for right-handed people. I'm left-handed. 

 These separations are horrible and wonderful. 

There is an empty seat at the table every night. 

There's no one to finish my sentences or take over the story I was telling....I only have about 10 - so we've numbered them..."I think #5 would work in this situation...but I need to go change Bitty Bean...Can you take over?" 

Everything you do in your life is used to having them in it...and suddenly they are gone. There are all these little things he does that I didn't even know...who knew the window sill above the kitchen sink got dirty???....and they just make me miss him.

In my parenting adventure - I miss him. I feel the hole from lacking his understanding, knowledge, wisdom, and perspective on each of our children. I miss him most desperately on the constant-struggle-days, because those are the days he would help me recalibrate.

I'm thankful for the military - for this lifestyle, because it helps me to be mindful of the man I married. To not lose sight of his value and importance in our home during the daily humdrum routine of laundry, parenting, dishes, bum wiping, and cooking.

He is so much more than the man who pays the bills, takes out the trash, and wrestles with the kids. He is my friend. My leader. My partner. My Love.

And the gift of every deployment is realizing that anew. 

Copyright 2010

2 comments:

  1. Beautiful, Whitney! Very well said.

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  2. Jon cleans the window sill above the sink?!! Nice! Andrew is NOT a cleaner by nature - he's more like you, lol. Therefore, my house actually stays cleaner when he's gone... sad but true.

    But I do miss someone else doing the dishes, or worrying about what to make for dinner, or playing with the kids so I can work on my paper vs. staying up until 1 AM to get it done, etc. I'm really sick of him being gone... 8 months starting in January is going to suck. Majorly.

    On the other hand - him being gone and HAVING to do everything on my own, makes me feel really proud of myself. I know just how truly awesome I am and I have the proof to back it up :o).

    You are awesome too. You should have bragging parties about yourself late at night. I know I do in my emails to Andrew!! LOL. I already told him he better get my thank-you ready for potty training both kids on my OWN (I did Emma while he was at SERE two years ago).

    - Kate

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Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement!