For real...

It's almost time.
Time for My Love to really DO his job.
To leave.
Time for me to do my job.
Without him.

And I'm ready.
I'm ready to no longer be waiting for it to start.
To stop counting the seconds he's with us - hoping and trying to eek every bit of memory out of them.
To stop this psychotic, pre-deployment, emotional roller coaster.

Who am I kidding? This ride is nowhere near over.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm wearing an itchy sweater all the time.
I'm tired of being easily annoyed at My Love.
I'm tired of being annoyed at myself for being easily annoyed at My Love.

I mean, seriously, I only have a few more days with him....and I choose frustration and anger?! What is wrong with me?! I can be angry by myself for the rest of the year....why I'm wasting that energy right now, I'll never know. (I know that is normal...but it is still completely annoying.)

  

I feel ready. I have my Power of Attorney. My friends. My family. My squadron. My support group is wide and deep - a gift for which I am thankful.
I'm not really worried about all that will happen during this time apart.  Things will break...the dishwasher, the washing machine, furniture, lawn implements. (Hopefully nothing with the car) Injuries will occur....face wounds, abrasions, bruises, hurt feelings, illnesses. (Hopefully no broken bones or stitches) I will be tired. The Beans will be tired. My Love will be tired. We'll feel bad about all that is happening without someone there. Someone we love. Desperately.

Thankfully, we've done this before. Which takes a lot of the fear out of it.  I know these children will absolutely LOVE their Daddy throughout this...they will be so excited about his return - they won't sleep the night before.  The distance will not hinder that relationship. He will do what he can...but I will keep him in our life.

Deployment is hard. Really hard, actually. But there can be perks - it forces you to not sweat the little things; to be choosy in your communication; to treasure who you love.  I saw a bumper sticker that said

  "Live each day like he deploys tomorrow." 

And while that would literally mean I would never cook and we would be bankrupt...the idea is true.

Don't nitpick apart the things you once loved.
Treasure the moments.
Stop what you are doing and kiss them when they walk through the door.
Speak well of each other to those around you.
Choose to treasure the gift of perspective...and not resent the lack of seconds.

My Love, I will miss you. 

I will miss you. 

And I wish you didn't have to leave us. 

But I will take care of everything here - so you can do what you must.  

Just know that while you are gone - I will love you fiercely. 

And presents and phone calls and emails and letters are always welcome. :)

~Whitney
 Copyright 2013

a recap...

Normally I don't do recaps. (I mean, who really cares about what we did a while ago??) But, since this blog is, pretty much, just about what we do in our lives....I guess a periodic recap now and again is okay. ;)

I have to say, the Advent box was a decent success. I mean, the kids got into it, and less than half ended up as epic fails.  (See how the fondue went down)

Sunday, the 23rd, was a wild success.

The directions were 

"Have dinner like the shepherds! Sit on the floor in front of the fireplace and eat finger food while wearing head coverings."

The kids were ECSTATIC at that idea.

So, dinner found us sitting on a picnic blanket in the living room....

munching on greek olives, hummus, fresh bread, cucumber slices, cherry tomatoes, grapes, and goat cheese...sporting various scarves on our heads.

We of course had to have "shepherdy" names....

My Love was Shepherd Bob; I was Shepherdess Leah; String Bean, Jumping Bean, and Bitty Bean became Shepherdesses Louise, Lucy, and Carly, respectively.

Poor Boy Bean didn't say what he wanted - so we dubbed him Shepherd Hog...since he was double fisting the grapes. :)

We sat talking about what it would be like to be a shepherd when the angel's came...

we would have been FREAKED out.

It was really a blast.

Then we played charades.

Entire movie scenes were acted out.  The above picture is a scene of the whale in "Finding Nemo" about to swallow Marlin and Dory.

Jumping Bean was various animals....

String Bean was typically acting out entire plot lines....and once was a roach.

Bitty Bean was her go-to critter....a cat. She gets on all 4's and Meows.

Then she was Ariel. :)

This was the first time Boy Bean got in on the action - and he actually was a monkey! (we think)

Overall, it was a wonderful night filled with laughs....but the best part for me was at the very end. All 6 of us were piled on the couch reading a children's version of the Nativity Story...Boy Bean kept saying "ook, ook" at every. single. item. AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS. So, I would answer, "that is a donkey - ee-aw ee-aw. That is a camel - spit spit. That is a cow - moo, moo."
Then, Jumping Bean who has her doctorate in annoying noises, start mumble-humming in a high-pitched squeal.
Then Bitty Bean, who only has her master's in annoying little sister antics, started poking a sibling and smacking her head against My Love's chest.
Then String Bean became HIGHLY annoyed at her poorly behaved siblings - because she couldn't hear the story My Love was reading.
Then My Love became highly annoyed at all people and looked like he was contemplating throwing the book across the room.
And at that moment, when a silent night where all is calm and bright seemed like a myth, precisely then, I leaned up to My Love and whispered in his ear -

Thank you so much that I don't have to Home school!

Merry Christmas!
Happy 2013!

~Whitney
 Copyright 2013

Truth...take 2

I don't know if this is normal for all people about to deal with deployment...but it is normal for me.

Although, I didn't really know it was normal...I've always chalked it up to being pregnant/crazy. Apparently, it is just my normal/crazy.

Good to know.

What am I talking about?

The amazing ability to be sitting and talking with my husband about something random like stationery, and laughing heartily...until suddenly I'm not.  Suddenly, I'm fighting back tears and losing miserably. I'm crying over STATIONERY!! And I'm just a ball of emotions and I don't want to be wasting time crying but I can't stop it. In a half second something triggered something and the length of time apart screams to the front of my mind.

So I cry.
I used to fight the random moments of meltdown.
Not anymore.
Now I know they will come at typically the most inconvenient moment possible.
I conserve energy and let the tears come - I recover faster, if I just let it flow.
I used to think it was a sign of weakness, that people would think less of me if I let my guard down...or that it wouldn't be good for the Beans to see Mommy have moments of insanity.
But I was wrong.
It is a blessing to allow people in to encourage and comfort.
It is comforting for the Beans to know I miss him too. It gives them space to be sad. It shows them it is possible to thoroughly enjoy a moment and still have a spot where things are not perfect.

I can't walk around as a basket case - and I don't think I do  - but allowing myself the freedom to actually register all the feelings is a good thing.

Thankfully, My Love knows me very well and is no longer freaked out by these unknown buttons that make me cry.

Like onions. Yep, onions.
I was cutting onions the other day (which always makes my chronic dry-eyes water like they are a reservoir) and I wasn't sad. I was happy!!! I was standing in the kitchen with a friend talking about curtains and fabric and then - out of nowhere - I started crying for real. I don't know why or how or what...but it just hit me that I will miss that man terribly.

He wants to fix it - to make me not cry and be sad.
But he can't.
This is his job.
A job we are thankful to have.
He must leave.
We must carry on in different parts of the world fulfilling our jobs.

Sometimes he just hugs me and lets me cry.
Sometimes he reminds me how very hard this will be on him too. A fact all too easy to forget.

I am not the only one dreading his absence.

He will miss birthdays and holidays and boring days and good days and bad days and silly stories and bed time stories and boo boos that need kissing and hearts that need mending. 

He won't be here for months of family movie night. 

He won't get to smell freshly washed children or laugh at how filthy they can get. 

He'll miss random hugs and kisses and spontaneous squeals of "I love you!" 

He'll miss teeth being lost and inches being grown and milestones being reached. 

He'll miss an entire phase of each Bean's life....poorly captured through email, limited pictures, and monthly phone calls. 

He'll be able to "see" us on Face time - but only in port calls.  

He'll miss hours of knock knock jokes. 

Poop explosions. 

Vomiting.  

The celebratory first day of summer. 

The first day of school.  

Family trips. 

Adventures. 

Moments. We will both miss. 

Sometimes it easy for me to only think of how sad I am that he will be gone....and I forget to think about his side. What he will miss.

If you see me and I am laughing and then dissolve into tears, don't be alarmed.
That is just me.
Too lazy for pretense.

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

Truth....

Recently, I've been told by some people they don't feel I am honest about the difficulties military separations cause.

The trouble is, when I say "Oh, everything is fine! We are doing great." I AM being honest. We have hard days and rough spots - but overall, the separations we've dealt with this year, have been easy peasy.

My Love has been away for numerous schools/training throughout the year....
3 weeks in January in Georgia
3 weeks in June in Key West
6 weeks in July/August split between Nevada and California
3 1/2 weeks in October on the boat

Next week he leaves again.
6 weeks in Nevada.

Yep. You counted right - he'll be gone over Thanksgiving.
If the weather cooperates, he'll be home for Christmas. If not, we'll celebrate on our own day. We have moved birthdays and holidays and anniversaries for 9 years now....it doesn't even register anymore.

So, if you were adding up, that means he will have spent 21 1/2 weeks (just over 5 months) away from the family this year.

And he's not deployed.

The big-dog away is next year.

Here is my perspective on all those times apart....If you think I'm sugar coating this, or being Pollyanna, you are wrong.
This is me.
For true.

Every day - on the easy days, on the hard days, on the sad days, on the everything-is-breaking-and-the-kids-are-sick days - I remember how fortunate I am.
My husband is away - but that is not the worst thing ever.
We have a roof over our heads, food on our table, clothes on our backs. At any point I can kiss and snuggle my sweet children. Our car works. We have an amazing group of friends and family who pray for us and support us.
When the days seem long, or any of us in the house want to wallow in the "poor me" party - we stop and remember to focus on what we do HAVE, instead of what we don't have.
Discontent breeds misery. 
I have to stop wishing he wasn't away - and focus on the gift of knowing him at all.
I constantly remind the Beans on the hard days, "Be thankful you miss Daddy. That means he is kind, and loving, and wonderful. There are many children in this world who do not have the gift of a kind Daddy. They look forward to Daddy leaving - we are blessed to have a Daddy we miss."

I am also lazy.
It takes entirely too much energy to be miserable.
I know how exhausting being miserable is, because I've been there.
I've wallowed.  I've started to drown in my own loneliness and believe the lie I was bearing the hardest burden ever.
But it isn't.
These separations are nowhere close to the hardest thing ever.

Dealing with a separation is challenging. 

But it can also be a great thing.

You decide.

I am thankful for our history with deploying when My Love was enlisted - it helps me feel better prepared for what is coming.

Every separation has its own personality - but there are certain constants that I can count on....

The day before he leaves - we will all wear our cranky pants. Always. And we are all annoyed about being annoyed, so it just isn't pleasant.

The first week he is gone - all 4 Beans wake up (at least) once a night.  Typically, they each wake up twice. Hence....

The first week he is gone - I am exhausted out of my mind.  :)

The 3rd or 4th day - the children are all on pins and needles angry about everything. They will fight and cry and melt with reckless abandon.

The 2nd week is fairly smooth, the girls have adjusted to the schedule, everyone is sleeping through the night; but this is when the Boy tries to test what I'm made of.  So the 2nd week is full of highly intensive parenting.

By the 3rd week - we are in a rhythm.  Smooth sailing from there on out, in theory.
Holidays/birthdays/special days are hard - everyone misses Daddy.
Saturdays drag by and take forever...so I try to have a fun purpose for every Saturday.

Having a handy sense of humor is also a key to surviving separations....things will go wrong, kids will get sick, stuff you never planned on will come up....you can laugh (which is an awesome tool for anti-aging, burns calories, and keeps frowning wrinkles at bay) or you can melt and cry.

I cry sometimes. And melt sometimes.
But most of the time? I laugh.
I'm too tired to do anything else.


~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

Welcome home....

This week, My Love returned.
He was only gone for 3 1/2 weeks - so I didn't really care about pictures or documentation.

Thankfully, another aviator in the squadron completely ignored me - and took pictures.

Because I viewed this as Just 3 1/2 weeks....in comparison to a deployment, it wasn't a big deal.
To me.

But to the Beans?

Well, they could hardly sleep the night before his return. They had trouble eating due to excitement - even the boy! We had dealt with all the normal crazy of every separation - there are phases and steps we always go through - so, this welcome home was still quite sweet.

And, it was a Fly in. Which is super cool - and something we've never done before!

When My Love was enlisted, he always returned on his boat. 

When he last deployed as an aviator - he came home with the ship. 

All the other times he's gone away have been for schools - he always flew commercial

Waiting on the flight line, watching the aircraft bank to come in for a landing, knowing Daddy was in that plane...all 4 Beans waited with rapt attention. 

When we finally saw him, and he was close enough for us to run to...they ran.

I let them win. Because it was only 3 1/2 weeks.

Rest assured - when he comes home from the long one, I will be stiff-arming those ankle-biters out of my way. 

I will get the first kiss. 

The first hug.

I'm his favorite. :)

If you carefully inspect the above picture - you will see Boy Bean has his right arm raised with a clenched fist. That is because, seconds after the picture was taken, the Boy punched My Love in the nose. 

Welcome home.

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

Time....

Well, it's that time again.

Time to write all schedules in pencil.

Time to plan on My Love not being around.

Time to be thankful for the seconds spent together, because over the next year - that is what our time will as a family of 6 will feel like.

Seconds. Moments. Brief ones.
My Love is almost done with a 6 week school - 5 weeks down.

Which really isn't that long in the grand scheme of things - except when I realize how few weeks he'll be home over the next year (or so). As a grown up, I have a better grasp on the time - I can see the end, even when it feels (or is) extremely far away.

My Beans don't have that perspective.

So today - this morning, my Jumping Bean missed Daddy.

Deeply.

She was happily obeying and making her bed to finish her "start the day" chores...when I complimented her:

"Good job big girl! You are working so hard and doing such an excellent job!"

She responded with a smile,
"Yep, I'm like Daddy. 
I work hard and do my best. 
Just like him."

Then she sat on the bed and said,
"I wish he was home. It is just so much better with him here. I miss him."
My sweet Jumping Bean then climbed in my lap, wrapped her arms around my neck, and sobbed.

She sobbed because she misses her Daddy. 

The one who wrestles, 

who snuggles, 

who hugs, 

who comforts, 

who challenges, 

who adventures with, 

who laughs with, 

who corrects, 

and who teaches her like no one else. 

As my shoulder was soaked and my heart broke, she choked out,

 "I just like him home better."

And this Mama cried right along. 

Because I do too.

I have the perspective - I see what's coming.  And I know it will be a hard year for all of us. It will not be the end of the world. It is not the worst thing ever - but at times, it will feel like it.

So over these next few months, I intend to treasure each second we have together. Hopefully, it will get me in the habit of doing that with all the people I love.

Because you rarely know what the next moment holds.


~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

Time to clean up!

People - my husband is ah-maz-ng.

Seriously.

We live at the beach - we are rarely inside in the summer - so sand gets EVERYWHERE in my house.

The best way to fix that mess would be to wash the sand off outside...which we have been doing in a fairly redneck way for the past 2 years.

No longer.

Nope - we have moved up in the world!

Courtesy of My Love - we have an outdoor shower.

WAHOO!!!!

(Please don't tell housing - not so sure what they would think about that)

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

BIG day....

Today marks an anniversary.

A special little moment in my history.

On this day - June 21st - in 2003...the man of my dreams asked me to be his wife.

As usual, there's a story.

We were up at my parent's house in Western North Carolina (where - so the story goes - it is a local call to God.) I was positive this man was the man for me. And I thought I knew that he knew I was the girl for him.

AND I was absolutely annoyed because it was taking him for-ev-er to get on the ball and just ask me to marry him.

May 2003 - My 21st birthday

(Apparently in love-struck-Whitney-land, "forever" is defined as 4 months and one week from the night we met. Clearly, patience is not my strongest trait.)

Little story detour...that whole "love at first sight" business?  

The stuff I used to mock and think was a bunch of ridiculous baloney Hollywood feeds us?

 Yeah, well, that is almost how fast I fell for My Love. 

2 weeks after meeting him, I said "I love you."  

Promptly followed with, 

"You don't have to say it back. But if I didn't tell you - right now - I would explode. And I just love you! I can't keep it in. I don't care about dumb rules. I LOVE YOU!!! And you are going to realize you love me too, I know it."

He responded in rather stunned silence. 

(He waited TWO MORE WEEKS before he was ready to say it back.)

I knew I was right. :)

So back to June 2003....

We were at my parent's house....on top of a mountain...swinging on a porch swing....watching the stars come out.
It was FREEZING. We were even huddled under a sleeping bag!

We were talking about everything and nothing. Then we went over to the balcony rail and looked up at the stars...and I would NOT stop talking.

I'm told I don't shut-up when I'm nervous.

Finally, My Love put his hand on my arm and said kindly, "Please let me talk."

So I got quiet. I had no idea of what he wanted to say...but I really, really, REALLY, hoped he wasn't going to break up with me.

He started saying wonderful things about how much he loved me. What a complete relief!

Then he dropped to one knee....I thought his knee had gone out and so I started fussing over him.

That is when he said, "Whitney, shut up."

And suddenly, it clicked.  He was proposing. So I listened. And I wished I could burn the things he said into my mind.  Out came a box - but I just hugged him and said "YES!! Yes!!"

After a few moments of me blubbering, he asked if I wanted to see the ring. (It was night, and we were outside.)

We went inside and I checked out the ring. It was lovely. Then I made him come into my parent's room with me and wake up my parents to tell them the great news!

Apparently, that was not extremely normal. But I couldn't wait until morning! 

I told you patience wasn't my strongest thing.

My Love, thank you for being such a great man. 
A man better than any piece of jewelry. 
Thank you for wanting to adventure together. 
Thank you being the daddy to our babies. 
For being my best friend. 
For taking care of us. 
For changing diapers.
For laughing at my jokes.
For calling and writing when you are away.
For making time for your brood.
For following the Lord's leading for our family. 
Really, I can sum it up like this:

My Love, thank you for telling me to 'shut up' 9 years ago.

I love you.

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

Things the Navy makes me say....

This blog is about to get VERY Navy.  (See the last post)  Since Boy Bean was born, My Love has only been away 2 months and 2 weekends. That means we have been on our Sea tour (where they are deployable) and have had him home 15 out of 17 months. Which is completely unheard of.

This is what our family looked like the last time he left.

That is about to change.

Yesterday morning over breakfast, I was preparing the Beans for the next month.  We counted down the days until Daddy leaves....and then I counted out the days he will be gone.

Jumping Bean asked, "Will you make a paper chain, Mommy?"
"Of course!" I replied.

That was comforting because I only make a paper chain for 60 days or less.

"Will we get to talk to him one time while he is gone?" String Bean questioned.
I was able to tell her, "Probably every day. He will be in our time zone - and he won't be on the ship."

That was comforting because they know the feeling of going 3 weeks without hearing Daddy's voice.

"What about packages? Can we send him things - drawings and letters and treats?" Again, that was String Bean.
"Nope. He won't be gone long enough." What a treat to say!

Then the moment.  The moment IT hit. The realization that when Daddy is away 

- be it for one night or 100 - there are no Daddy hugs; 

no Daddy kisses; no Daddy to wrestle with; there is an empty seat at the table.

And Jumping Bean became very sad. "I know it is his job. But I sure wish it wasn't. I wish he would stay home with us always."

Before I could do anything - except nod in agreement - String Bean leaned over to her sis, gave her a hug, and said,

"I know sis. I like him home too. But in the Bible it says we should be 'joyful in all things' - and I think that means even when we are sad when Daddy is gone.  So lets talk to Jesus when we are sad. It will be okay - it will be hard - but Jesus is with all of us."

She's right. Whether or not we can make a paper chain, talk to Daddy, send him packages, see his face, or be with him - we are not alone.

Those are the things the Navy makes me say.

~Whitney Copyright 2012

Birthday fun!

So yesterday, I turned 30.

Yep. And I am super stoked about it.

No 29th anniversary for me!!!  Each year that goes by, I feel more comfortable in my skin, but less comfortable not growing. It's a good balance.


My Love gave me the best-ever present in the whole-wide-world......a CAMERA!!!!!!!!

Seriously - the best ever. 

He said the only gift I've reacted to more excited was when he gave me a ring on bended knee. 

I mean I started crying and blubbering and hugging him and just could NOT believe it.

The best part? He couldn't wait to give it to me....so I opened it on Sunday!

Which meant my actual birthday found each child having a bit of a photo shoot......

My Little Boy Bean.. who is going to need his baby curls trimmed soon. I really don't want to. But I guess we all have to grow up sometime.

His little grin is so full of t-r-o-u-b-l-e.

My Jumping Bean...I really don't know how her personality fits in her body.

She is my little live-wire.

My Bitty Bean...I'm pretty sure we will see this face again. When she's about 15.

She definitely knows how to work a look!

Sisters...friends...

My String Bean...she wasn't feeling her absolute best. Yet she still humored me with the photo shoot!

 I feel like I went to sleep with a baby and when I woke up the next morning...she was almost 7.  My sweet girl - I truly don't know what I'd do without her!

Those little faces made my birthday wonderful.

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012