Although, I didn't really know it was normal...I've always chalked it up to being pregnant/crazy. Apparently, it is just my normal/crazy.
What am I talking about?
The amazing ability to be sitting and talking with my husband about something random like stationery, and laughing heartily...until suddenly I'm not. Suddenly, I'm fighting back tears and losing miserably. I'm crying over STATIONERY!! And I'm just a ball of emotions and I don't want to be wasting time crying but I can't stop it. In a half second something triggered something and the length of time apart screams to the front of my mind.
So I cry.
I used to fight the random moments of meltdown.
Now I know they will come at typically the most inconvenient moment possible.
I conserve energy and let the tears come - I recover faster, if I just let it flow.
I used to think it was a sign of weakness, that people would think less of me if I let my guard down...or that it wouldn't be good for the Beans to see Mommy have moments of insanity.
But I was wrong.
It is a blessing to allow people in to encourage and comfort.
It is comforting for the Beans to know I miss him too. It gives them space to be sad. It shows them it is possible to thoroughly enjoy a moment and still have a spot where things are not perfect.
I can't walk around as a basket case - and I don't think I do - but allowing myself the freedom to actually register all the feelings is a good thing.
Like onions. Yep, onions.
I was cutting onions the other day (which always makes my chronic dry-eyes water like they are a reservoir) and I wasn't sad. I was happy!!! I was standing in the kitchen with a friend talking about curtains and fabric and then - out of nowhere - I started crying for real. I don't know why or how or what...but it just hit me that I will miss that man terribly.
He wants to fix it - to make me not cry and be sad.
But he can't.
This is his job.
A job we are thankful to have.
He must leave.
We must carry on in different parts of the world fulfilling our jobs.
Sometimes he just hugs me and lets me cry.
Sometimes he reminds me how very hard this will be on him too. A fact all too easy to forget.
I am not the only one dreading his absence.
He will miss birthdays and holidays and boring days and good days and bad days and silly stories and bed time stories and boo boos that need kissing and hearts that need mending.
He won't be here for months of family movie night.
He won't get to smell freshly washed children or laugh at how filthy they can get.
He'll miss random hugs and kisses and spontaneous squeals of "I love you!"
He'll miss teeth being lost and inches being grown and milestones being reached.
He'll miss an entire phase of each Bean's life....poorly captured through email, limited pictures, and monthly phone calls.
He'll be able to "see" us on Face time - but only in port calls.
He'll miss hours of knock knock jokes.
The celebratory first day of summer.
The first day of school.
Moments. We will both miss.
Sometimes it easy for me to only think of how sad I am that he will be gone....and I forget to think about his side. What he will miss.
If you see me and I am laughing and then dissolve into tears, don't be alarmed.
That is just me.
Too lazy for pretense.