Motherhood is hard

I've been writing and working on posts this week...but none of them really looked "right." I just couldn't get them how I wanted.  And I think I know why. It is because I have something else to say, but I didn't really want to say it. But here it goes anyway:

Motherhood is hard.

I'm sure many of you knew that - or assumed that. But the truth is? It is actually wickedly harder than you ever anticipate. You aren't supposed to admit that it is hard or that you are tired or have no idea how to handle a problem.  But I've never been very good at all that jazz.

So here's the deal - the whole truth.

I love my four beans. I love them more than I thought a heart could love. I pray for them, I parent them, I protect them, I push them, I provide them with clean clothes and food, I play with them.  But sometimes I wonder - If I had KNOWN back in the beginning, how much work all of this would be....would I do it over?

Would I have so many, so very close together? 

Honestly, some days - the hard days, the never-stop-repeating-myself days, the endless-mess days - I question if we really thought this through.

Were we fair to our kids to put them so close? Were we fair to ourselves?

Because this is a seriously heavy load. Not sometimes - All. The. Time.

I'm finally getting to the point where I'm no longer elbow-deep in poop. I'm sleeping through the night on a consistent basis. I'm finally able to finish a sentence every now and again. They are all big enough they can do some things for themselves (even Boy Bean!). I can accomplish a task beyond bare-minimum-basic-need.

And it is wonderful.
And a little bit sad.

This is the first time I have had a toddler without a newborn. 

To you mama's in the thick of it - of the meltdowns, the non-existent-sleep, the 4 hour ordeal to get groceries - you will make it.

It is hard.
Some days, it will feel insurmountable.

But you will make it.

You will reach a day - very soon - where your babies will go off on adventures without you.
A day when a poop doesn't make someone scream for a bum-wipe.
You will sleep again.
Your brain will come back.

Thankfully, this time of craziness beyond belief, is just a phase.
A challenging, stretching, exhausting, overwhelming phase.

Were we fair to our kids to put them so close? 

I don't know. They will each develop differently because of where they fall in the birth order and how smashed together they are (I mean, 4 kids in 5 years and 4 months is rather close!), but I pray they turn out well despite the lack of personal space. 

Were we fair to ourselves?

I guess if we had planned differently, My Love and I could have had the expected adult experiences. We might have traveled more, we might have had hobbies, we might have saved more money, I might have gotten my degree. 

If I had known how much work this would require - I probably would not have chosen it.  

BUT that is because while it is possible to see how much work it is...it is not possible to measure the reward. 

Motherhood is hard. It is wonderful. No matter what your family looks like - there are days that pound you. On those days, the thing I'm most thankful for is that I don't have to repeat it.

But the flip side is also true - You won't get to repeat these days.

Let's make them count.

~Whitney Copyright 2013

The Crazy....

So, just a few days ago I wrote about how this separation was going. And how it is going Really, really well. But in that post I said this:

I'm not saying the goodbye was cake and that it didn't hurt. It did. I'm not saying that tears have disappeared from the house. I'm just saying that we are all doing really, really, well on the home front.

At this moment....it can flip all crazy in a split second.

Well, it has.
The truth is - I AM tired.
But not from a lack of sleep.
I'm tired of battling every. little. thing. out with a particular 2 year-old man-child.

Today, as he started his 10th fit of screaming, snotting, and writhing on the ground (In public)...something in me just broke.

I'm tired of complete strangers offering their opinion of what is wrong with Boy when he is throwing a fit.
I'm tired of outlasting the fits.
I'm tired of constantly questioning if I'm doing the right thing, making the right decision, handling it correctly.

So, when I was wrestling his stiff-as-a-board body into his car seat....accompanied by his guttural screams where he attempts to lose his voice....I was able to hold it together. I stayed calm. I miraculously got him buckled. Then I calmly went around and buckled Bitty Bean.

But, after closing the door of the Swagger Wagon?
I just stood there in the empty school parking lot and cried.
I climbed into the driver's seat with 3 of my sweet children buckled in behind me, and cried. The ugly cry. The 'I'm overwhelmed and just would like him to obey happily and quickly because I'm tired of fighting him' cry.

I know people will say - ask for help. But the kicker is I can't ask for help in this one. He's not having power struggles with all of humanity. He's not fighting and kicking the entire world.
It is just with me.
His mama.
And I can't outsource these battles.
These are battles only I can fight. Because they are battles only I must win.

We've been battling everything out for weeks now...but today took it to a new level. We normally only have one fit a day - and that is anywhere from 15-45 minutes. (Although one day it was an hour and 15) But today? Today we had one GOOD hour. Of the entire day. And that is obscenely exhausting.
Clearly.

It will be worth it in the end. I'm sure of it. 

I just had no idea "strong-willed child" came with a turbo feature.

I must go - 

my reservation for "Crazy mama, table for 1" is ready.

(and if you think about it...please pray for my endurance.)

~Whitney
 Copyright 2013

Chore time!

Confession: I am not super woman.

Now, if you know me, this should not be surprising. If you don't know me - you should also not be surprised. I cannot do it all.  I melt sometimes. I cry often. I like a clean house but it often explodes upon itself...

Clothes magically fly from their bins and disperse around the room. Toys are ejected from their buckets and strewn on the floor. Dishes are constantly dirty. Goobers are always tracked in. Coats are never hung.  

I know I have 4 young children, but this mess was going to cause a mental breakdown (which would not be hard since I'm borderline crazy already). 

In short, I either needed to 

1. hire a maid 

2. get rid of EVERYTHING in our home 

3. teach my children about being a part of this family. 

I picked number 3.

I've had my people make their beds (as well as they are able) since they could pick up their blankie. They know where all the toys go. They know it is a "pull one toy out/put one toy back" kind of house. 

Which is not as neat as it sounds...because I have 4 children. It can get dicey at times. 
Although they do work it out eventually. 
I think they can safely put "mediator" on all of their resumes one day. 

We have had chore charts in the past...but, honestly, I lacked the self-discipline to keep up with it. Training children is often just as much about training mommy. 

So far, this has been a fabulous routine for us. 

Today is our second day.

But - I'm happy. The house is being tended. The Big girls are happy. And the little two are DYING for me to get to their chores!

I'd say that is an overall win. 

Here is the nitty-gritty....

1. I get stressed out VERY easily when trying to teach a child to do something that I could do in 30 seconds....and 30 minutes later it is finally accomplished...poorly. 

2. I get even MORE annoyed if I'm trying to teach more than one at the same time. (And yes, a post on how home schooling went down "for real" should probably be written.)

SO...I changed how I introduced the charts. In the past, I've gone nuclear and introduced a chart/system to all children at the same time with all of their chores on it and spent an entire day educating them on how to do everything. 

Not very effective. 

Yesterday morning, I showed Jumping Bean (5 1/2) her chart. Just her. String Bean was already at school and Bitty Bean and Boy Bean were watching a show. We went over every item together. Most of the things she already is supposed to do - and has been taught - but struggles to remember. Those are:

Make bed

Put away clothes (jams, dirty clothes, clean laundry)

Brush teeth

Pick up toys (in room and one other room throughout the day)

Homework

AWANA (study verses every day)

The new chore yesterday?

Take out the bathroom trash. Every morning. 

I went over the procedure and had her do it yesterday. Today she did it perfectly. :)

So this morning, we added in:

Bathroom Sink - she is responsible for their bathroom sink and trash. Once she masters that, we will add other things I know she can handle. But right now, I want her to  

- get into the routine of doing her chores

- find success in accomplishing her jobs well

- pay attention to her specific areas and know what they are to look like clean. 

Jumping Bean LOVES it. LOVES the stickers. Loves being in charge.
Loves knowing how to do something and no one else can touch her job. :)

Last night, it was String Bean's turn. She is 7 1/2 and can handle more. (Jumping Bean will get more eventually - but I am not going to overwhelm her at the moment) So, she has a similar "normal chore" list:

Make bed

Put away clothes

Brush teeth (why is that so hard to remember???)

Pick up toys

Homework

AWANA

New Chores explained last night?

Downstairs bathroom (Lysol wipe the toilet, spray the bowl with cleaner, clean bowl with toilet brush. Wipe down the sink - at the moment just a wipe, eventually it will be with cleaner. Check the toilet paper levels - reload if necessary. Make sure the towel is clean and tidy.)

Dishwasher (Unload clean dishes before school - as much as time allows. Load dishwasher with the dishes from one meal of the day)

Bring kid laundry basket downstairs every morning

String Bean LOVES it. Everything about it. The responsibility. The helping. The stickers. And also loves knowing how to do something in the house and nobody else can do it. :)   In fact, as soon as String Bean walked in the door after school she said, "I've gotta check my toilet! Want to keep it clean!"

Tomorrow, I will work with Bitty Bean on her chart, it will include the same normal chores (minus homework) and cleaning the mirror in their bathroom. 

I'm still trying to figure out what to do with Boy Bean...he WILL have a chart - I'm just not sure yet what it will consist of.

Courtesy of My Love leaving, I really NEED the kids to pitch in - I can't float being both parents and keeping up the house. And the kids know that. I'm thankful they want to help - and I feel bad that I've not drawn them in to aid with the house more often. It is normally me prodding and harassing and begging them to clean - but with it clearly explained and written out, that seems to be much less of an issue. 

They do not get paid for the chores on the chore chart. 

They are a part of this family, and need to participate in our upkeep. I know there are many people who do pay for chores - and I have no issue with that. But we don't.

In the next week (or so) I will make a list of EXTRA chores - and the amount they will earn for doing them. Those will be things that can be done ONLY if your regular chores are completed, and will be kept in a separate place. (Guess I'll have to write about that later, huh?)  

Oh - one final thing: Chores are to be done both QUICKLY and HAPPILY. If I have to hound you - or you stomp about and do it with a nasty attitude - there will be no reward. No sticker. No money. 

Hopefully, I'll be able to keep up with this - because I am a million times happier when I'm not doing it all!  

Isn't that why you have kids anyway? 

To make yourself happy?  ha!

~Whitney Copyright 2013

A milestone...

Last week, I wrote a post to My Little Dude on his 2nd birthday. This birthday was kinda a big deal. A big deal that wasn't fully registered until Sunday. (And then it really wasn't processed until yesterday)

Turning 2 meant my Boy Bean adventured out of the baby nursery...and on to the toddler side. He is now in an actual Sunday School class. He's with big kids. He is in the same class as Bitty Bean. And he LOVED it. (So I gather, he still isn't saying much)

But it was oddly challenging for me. This is why: Sunday was the first day in 7 and a half years that I didn't put a baby in the baby nursery. You would think it wouldn't be challenging - and it wasn't.  But it was. It is like every single phase - full of hope and excitement and nervousness for what will come; tinged with sadness knowing certain things will never happen again with my sweet beans.

I know the day is coming - speeding towards me - where my little beans won't be little. When they will no longer need to be tucked in at night. When their soft, little hands won't seek mine when they are nervous, or frightened, or scared. The diaper bag is being replaced with the backpack, the ballet bag, and sports gear.

In fact, this Sunday was full of another milestone - our String Bean had her ears pierced. She's growing up too. She's no longer that little baby girl I knew.

And I'm happy. I'm thankful for the gift of watching my little people grow up. I ache for those who don't have any more moments to hope for in this life.

And I'm sad. Because these next moments will disappear as fast as the last ones...maybe faster. I will turn around one day, and these sweet little ones that fill all my moments and need me and want me...they will no longer be little. They will be off on their own adventures and I'll be left with them filling my heart and not my home. They will be capable to handle their needs and, hopefully, some of their wants.

How do they grow so fast?

I'm also sad because I know there will be numerous milestones reached over the next year  - and My Love will miss them. When he returns from his deployment, most likely, every child will be in a new phase. And we won't get those seconds back.

Parenthood, such a perfect pairing of happy and sad. 

Of overflowing, heartbreaking, LOVE.

~Whitney
 Copyright 2013

a recap...

Normally I don't do recaps. (I mean, who really cares about what we did a while ago??) But, since this blog is, pretty much, just about what we do in our lives....I guess a periodic recap now and again is okay. ;)

I have to say, the Advent box was a decent success. I mean, the kids got into it, and less than half ended up as epic fails.  (See how the fondue went down)

Sunday, the 23rd, was a wild success.

The directions were 

"Have dinner like the shepherds! Sit on the floor in front of the fireplace and eat finger food while wearing head coverings."

The kids were ECSTATIC at that idea.

So, dinner found us sitting on a picnic blanket in the living room....

munching on greek olives, hummus, fresh bread, cucumber slices, cherry tomatoes, grapes, and goat cheese...sporting various scarves on our heads.

We of course had to have "shepherdy" names....

My Love was Shepherd Bob; I was Shepherdess Leah; String Bean, Jumping Bean, and Bitty Bean became Shepherdesses Louise, Lucy, and Carly, respectively.

Poor Boy Bean didn't say what he wanted - so we dubbed him Shepherd Hog...since he was double fisting the grapes. :)

We sat talking about what it would be like to be a shepherd when the angel's came...

we would have been FREAKED out.

It was really a blast.

Then we played charades.

Entire movie scenes were acted out.  The above picture is a scene of the whale in "Finding Nemo" about to swallow Marlin and Dory.

Jumping Bean was various animals....

String Bean was typically acting out entire plot lines....and once was a roach.

Bitty Bean was her go-to critter....a cat. She gets on all 4's and Meows.

Then she was Ariel. :)

This was the first time Boy Bean got in on the action - and he actually was a monkey! (we think)

Overall, it was a wonderful night filled with laughs....but the best part for me was at the very end. All 6 of us were piled on the couch reading a children's version of the Nativity Story...Boy Bean kept saying "ook, ook" at every. single. item. AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS. So, I would answer, "that is a donkey - ee-aw ee-aw. That is a camel - spit spit. That is a cow - moo, moo."
Then, Jumping Bean who has her doctorate in annoying noises, start mumble-humming in a high-pitched squeal.
Then Bitty Bean, who only has her master's in annoying little sister antics, started poking a sibling and smacking her head against My Love's chest.
Then String Bean became HIGHLY annoyed at her poorly behaved siblings - because she couldn't hear the story My Love was reading.
Then My Love became highly annoyed at all people and looked like he was contemplating throwing the book across the room.
And at that moment, when a silent night where all is calm and bright seemed like a myth, precisely then, I leaned up to My Love and whispered in his ear -

Thank you so much that I don't have to Home school!

Merry Christmas!
Happy 2013!

~Whitney
 Copyright 2013

THAT mama...

Well, it's official.

I've become THAT Mama.

My Bitty Bean - whom I love desperately - has been jumping on my last nerve for about 10 straight days now. She has this horrible - awful - horrific - idea that constant whining and/or screaming will get her what she wants.

I don't know where she gets it - but since I know her Daddy doesn't whine....I'm thinking it could be from a grandparent.

Just sayin'

(Totally kidding - please don't take me seriously. 

I love you all and will be seeing in just a short bit....I know you aren't whiners.

Yet another place where the "sarcasm" font would be rather useful.)  

:)

So tonight, on the way home from church, she started in for the 7 millionth time of the day. Really.

She spent the majority of 3 hours in her room today because she didn't want to speak without whining. I checked her every 10 minutes and asked if she was "ready to be nice." 

2 hours and 45 minutes later, she said "yes."

The stubbornness is straight from me. 

And My Love. 

Good times.

Back to the car....
We were sitting at the red light waiting to drive through the gate to base, and Bitty Bean decided she was going to claw Jumping Bean's eyes out because Jumping Bean said "I love you."
Yes.
You read that right.

I tell them constantly that obedience = safety.
When you choose disobedience, you choose danger.
(This is pertinent, stay with me)

So we pulled up to the gate guard and I asked the POLICEMAN to scare some sense into my criminally-minded 3 year old.

And he did...
Not.

He did, however, make Jumping Bean cry for fear that he would take her naughty sister away to jail. 

He never said that.

I did. 
But he was speaking in the car window telling my girls to shape up and listen to their mother. Apparently, they get requests for that all the time, so he had a great little speech down pat. I may have to go back later and plagiarize.

Bitty Bean did get the point.
By the time we were home, I thought she was reformed.
Calm behavior, listening, obeying....but then I realized she had just been mulling over what the policeman had said when she asked,

"Would I have to share with my sisters if I'm in Jail?"


Maybe Boy Bean isn't my only Felon-in-Training.

Happy parenting!

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

10 days...part 2

This little away has not been all fun and games (a la the last post).

Though it has been completely normal. 

Yes, a copy of my debit card was made and someone sought to purchase items in Portugal. Lots of items. So all of our accounts were frozen. Which is not the end of the world, except I was checking out at the commissary when they froze the accounts.

Of course.

Our bank, USAA, is amazing. So, aside from some inconvenience - we are okay.

Then, we narrowly missed being in a pileup on the interstate. By "narrowly," I mean by about 3 inches and 1/2 a second. I am not known for being an excellent driver. My Love is about 10 million times better than I.  But somehow, I was able to maneuver the Swagger Wagon between the orange construction barrels without hitting them or the car in front of me.  The car behind me slammed into the car in front of me. Did I mention I had all 4 beans AND a friend in the car?

I'm convinced Jesus took the wheel.

After all the girls stopped screaming like banshees, and my heart stopped beating in my ears, we were able to continue home.

I also managed to get so ridiculously lost going to a friend's house, that I pulled to the side of the road and cried.

This is the face of an eventual felon.

Boy Bean has been channeling every naughty behavior possible. That boy has some insane stamina. After his screaming, snotting, kicking, hitting, and needing an exorcism daily, my house has been suffering from neglect. The man-child will never be pressured into ANYTHING he doesn't want to do. Lucky for him, his stubborn nature comes direct from both parents - so I intend to win this battle. I may end up deaf because of it, but this child is gonna learn some self-control. Until that time, Mama-control will have to suffice.

Bitty Bean broke into my makeup during a quiet time. One brand new eyeliner pencil and bottle of foundation later, she developed quite a look. She was seeking to be a lion. I was seeking not to freak out.  Yes, I let her keep it on her face the rest of the day. Yes, she had to clean up the obscene mess in the bathroom.

Not done yet.

THEN, I had the privilege of being a support person for a friend's labor and delivery. Which was AMAZING.  Thoughts on that will have to be another time... the short of it is this: I don't know how emergency personnel do it. I had 2 hours of sleep to last me 23 hours.  I thought I was gonna die. And I didn't even have the baby!

Finally, I had a special day with Jumping Bean and String Bean only. We had numerous doctor's appointments scheduled on one day, so I just kept them out of school, farmed out the younger half, and made an adventure of it.  What a grand and marvelous day it was.  Those two are just entirely too much fun.

We've also had the normal face wounds (4), bleeding extremities (3), bad dreams (lost count), and dance parties (as often as we can!).

So far, I'd say it has been a pretty good ride. :)

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

Moments....

You know those moments that make you stop - hold your breathe - freeze the image in your mind?
Those moments that allow you to see - really, truly, see - the person in front of you?

We all went and celebrated Bitty Bean's 3rd birthday (2 weeks early) while My Love was still home. That time spent eating Chinese (her request) and enjoying the doughnut shop (her request about a billion times)  as a family...was chock full of moments I wanted to freeze.

Often, I find myself too busy, too pre-occupied, too tired, or too distracted, for those moments to occur.

Especially when the person I'm supposed to be seeing...is one of my little Beans.  

Somehow, these people, these four little treasures that I get to be with almost 100% of the time - they can go unnoticed. Unknown. Ignored.  This was brought to my attention recently, by my String Bean. She said, "Mommy, I wish you'd spend more time with us."


My first reaction was shock - I'm with you 'round the clock! What do you mean "MORE" time!?  Instead of saying those words, I just asked her, "What kind of time?"

And my little-6-year-old-philosopher said, "Time where we can just be. Together."

Maybe I'm the only person who has experienced the loss of vision towards those they love the most.  I'm moving so fast to take care of the next thing, go to the next event, clean the next mess, or just find a moment of quiet....that I forget the real next thing to take care of, is a person.

The next event could be the discovery of a leaf - or a loose tooth - or skipping - or listening to a song. The next mess might not be broken items, it might just be a hurting heart or bruised feelings caused by a careless word.
Sometimes, in the cacophony that is my home, I need to step back and treasure the ruckus instead of resenting the absence of quiet.

Now that school is out and My Love is gone...

(Because during the school year I was too tired, and there are all sorts of whacked out emotions going on when Daddy is away)

...we have reinstated some rituals that help me to see my children - things that also help them see each other as well. One thing they think is wonderful is where we take turns saying something about each other that we just utterly LOVE.  Those things that if that person didn't do - our day would not sparkle quite as much.  Here are the highlights of the week....

We decided that if Bitty Bean didn't talk about poop so much...we wouldn't laugh nearly enough. If we didn't hear her singing...or her spontaneous "I love you"...or her constant requests for brownies and/or chocolate...the day would be not quite right.

We discovered that even though Boy Bean attacks unsuspecting people at random - with fiendish delight - we all know that when he jumps on our heads, he is just saying "I love you."  There is no sound so fantastic as his belly laugh. We love watching him eat and savor and experience each bite.

We love that Jumping Bean wakes up so silly...because her smiles and giggles and hugs just start the day out right. We love how fiercely she hugs and kisses. Her little sister loves how Jumping Bean takes care of her...and her big sister loves how Jumping Bean is such a good friend. I love her zest and passion for life.

We all agreed String Bean's hugs are marvelous. The sisters also talked about how great String Bean is at helping them not be scared or nervous. They love her silly faces and crazy jokes. I love how she takes initiative and has a tender heart.

What a treat to sit down and learn about the things that are important to my children. Especially when they decided to say the things they love about me. They love hugs. Silly dances during breakfast. Playing in the pool. Reading together. When I wipe their bum. (Seriously. That was from Bitty Bean.)

I was reminded that while I may not always freeze the moments - there are always more to be made.

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012