Navy Normal

Well, one month down.

A fact I would know even without a calendar.
Because there are normal things that happen with the Beans, when that man of mine leaves....

The first week is some sad (not a lot) because the length of the separation hasn't sunk in. But it is definitely present because they are used to having Daddy in EVERYTHING, and suddenly - he's not. This means a lot of hugs. Extra time spent to hear their hearts. And focusing on the good even in the hard.

The second week is when Bitty Bean starts waking up with nightmares. Screaming and sobbing and wild eyed. And Boy Bean normally starts a hunger strike around the end of week two/beginning of week three.

Week three is when the rest of the Beans (that is THREE humans, if you lost track) get nightmares and start sleepwalking and are fearful of Daddy dying and never coming home. Week three = no sleep for mama.

But Week four? That is the week I get a peek into 10 years down the road when we will have 4 adolescents in the house, all full of emotion and hormones. Week four is crammed full of sobbing and whining and fighting and disobedience and lines-in-the-sand and epic battles and annoying-your-sibling-to-death.

This week has been rough. 

For the past few days, whenever we are home...someone is crying.
At least one person.
Typically 3.
I have sat and had battles of pure will with my 2 year old man-child.
I've sought to comfort and divine why the 4 year old Bitty Bean was sobbing for her 5th straight hour...Bitty Bean said she had no idea but the tears just wouldn't stop.
The Blonde Jumping Bean cries until she laughs maniacally and then cries again - and that has gone on for 3 hours; interrupted by short bursts of energy to hurl a matchbox car at any passer by.
The String Bean (at the mature age of almost-8) could have a PH.D in eye-rolling. And arm-crossing. And basically thinking she's too cool for everything.


But overall?
These kids are awesome. 
They are resilient.
They are a clan.
They are mine.

So while, yes, week four is not really my favorite week....sweet, precious moments have happened anyway....

Jumping Bean was sobbing today and she would not tell me what was going on.
But String Bean? She just sat next to her sister and said,

"You can cry. Its okay. If you want to talk - I'm here. If you don't - I'm here. I love you. This is what sisters do." 

After continuing to cry (deep, shoulder shaking, bring-on-the-hiccups, sobs) for 5 more minutes...she finally choked out what the problem was. She was sad about a friend moving away - her very good friend from kindergarten - and worried that she would never see her again. And worried about starting first grade in a new school. And scared of riding the bus. And petrified of no one being her friend.

And then, the older sister who had rolled her eyes at the antics of the blondie all day long; the older sister who has been suddenly "too cool" to hang with the younger kids; the older sister who is extremely rational. That one? She just hugged her Jumping Bean tight.

She said,

"Of course you will have friends at school! You have me and you have Jesus! And only crazy people wouldn't like you - because you are awesome."

To which Jumping Bean replied,
"But I'M crazy! I LIKE crazy people!"

:)

Then, tonight before bed, Bitty Bean started crying. Sobbing really...I mean, there was a lot of snot. When I asked what was the problem, she said,

 "It feels like Daddy died. You know, Mommy? I mean, he's gone on the boat but we never see him. I don't want him dead.  I want him home."

And Jumping Bean immediately went over and hugged her. And said,

"We all want him home. But he's doing his job. And taking care of us. He'll come home soon. 

When his job is done."

And THAT is the Navy Normal.

~Whitney Copyright 2013

apart....

Well, My Love is gone.
While he is not gone for a long time in Navy terms...he's still gonna be gone for about 2 months.
And that is at least 120 baths, 60+ goodnights, countless hugs, thousands of laughs, and some tears.

He'll miss String Bean's birthday, and the first day of school.

He already missed Jumping Bean's first tooth falling out. 

Which she pulled out BY HERSELF, in the car, on the way to swim lessons. 

And then it was dropped and lost forever in the crevices of the Swagger Wagon. 

Her biggest concern?

"I'll still get my dollar, right?!"

And String Bean starting braces. (Last picture before treatment began!)

He missed a visit from the tooth fairy....she only comes when you're awake for the first tooth. 

Sporting wings and dress up clothing and giving dental hygiene advice. 

So I've been pulling double duty. (Triple, if you count the always-2-days-late-tooth-fairy)

Which means Mommy goodnight kisses (soft and gentle), followed by "Daddy kisses" (noisy and silly). It means extra hugs. Dance parties. Story time about what Daddy does and how a Navy Ship works. There have been moments of extreme frustration (every day) from Boy Bean about this mama's pathetic ball-throwing skills. 

But Daddy being gone also means surprise hugs and kisses from my Beans. It means 4 kids conspiring to sneak down to make me breakfast one morning. Children helping with chores - happily - because Mama can't do it all. It means quiet pensive moments. It means we pray a lot.

Being separated is not my very favorite thing. 

But it isn't the end of the world, either.  

It is just a thing. 

He does his job. We do our jobs. 

And we learn to treasure these people we get to call family.

Anchors Aweigh.

~Whitney Copyright 2013

Who knew?

Who knew that finding out the LONG deployment was CANCELLED one day before My Love left would be hard news to take?

Who knew that we both would experience a blender full of emotions?

Who knew that the kids would be thrilled and ecstatic and have no trouble transitioning?

Who knew the grown ups wouldn't be quite as good at living out a limber schedule?

Not me.
Not My Love.

The roller-coaster of maximum emotion experienced in this last week...the week where he returned for what was supposed to be 4 days and then found out he was staying home until much later in the year....has come as quite a shock.

I didn't think my husband NOT leaving would fill me with an emotion other than elated joy.
But it did.

I was angry.
NOT about him staying.
But at how the news came out.
At the apparent lack of care our government has for the personnel it owns and the families attached to them.
At (what feels like) hours and months of work and prep to get our home and our children ready for him to leave....for nothing.
Anger about the plans that can't happen.
Anger about not getting to go to a Port Call. (Which is purely selfish, but it is an amazing perk of being a Military wife and I couldn't wait to finally go to one!!! I've always been too pregnant to go before.)

I wasn't excited about the actual deployment - but I guess I was excited for it to be a part of our story. It was finally our turn. Our friends have gone and gone and gone...isn't it time for them to get a break and for us to carry the banner?
It just doesn't seem fair.

I felt guilt.
Guilt that my husband would be home this Spring...and thousands of other sailors will not.
Sailors who already have missed half of last year at home.

I was confused.
Could I even be excited over this news?
Would they just change their minds again in two days?

And I am happy.
Thankful for each moment with My Love.
Thankful he is getting to experience this age - especially - with the Boy Bean.
Thankful all the weight that was resting solidly on my shoulders is no longer being born alone.

It is a tricky thing, this Military life.

So if my face periodically scrunches into confusion, I'm probably just recalibrating.

Because Holyheckamama, it is actually pretty hard.

~Whitney Copyright 2013

Ahhh, the military.

Yesterday, I was looking through our "love notes" from last year's Love Jar, and found this:

It was my 4 year old Jumping Bean's Love note to her Daddy. 

I Love when you go to work and sleep at our house. 

You are the sweetest ever.

Whenever Daddy gets to sleep at our house we are very thankful!!

Like today.
Daddy was supposed to walk on the boat tonight or tomorrow morning (after an unexpected 4 day port call) to leave for the big deal deployment.
And yesterday we found out that he won't.
The deployment was cancelled.
A day and a half before leaving.

While this is marvelous news for our household...and for over 5,000 other households...it does present some difficulty for many of the personnel attached to our boat.

People have cancelled their leases and their phone contracts, sold their cars, and moved all of their possessions to storage. Some people have sent their family back to wherever they are from to have support and community. Now the active duty member is here - not deployed - and the family is not. 

Logistically, it is a bit of a challenge. 
Food, fuel, supplies....all have been loaded on the boat, ready for Deployment.
All personnel have loaded their personal effects on the boat in preparation for a long underway.
Whoever is making the decision based on dollar signs  - is forgetting there are people attached to every single one.
This impacts thousands of lives, intimately.


Emotionally, it is an odd grab-bag mix. 
I'm ecstatic he's home.
But.
But I'm happy with reserve.
We have prepped and readied and trained for this deployment.
It is odd for all that work to not be used.
And, we still have friends deploying - just because we aren't doesn't mean the world is suddenly at peace.
I feel guilt over him NOT going - when so many I know have had to weather repeated deployments.

But despite all the crazy that is just normal life...

We are still extremely thankful whenever he goes to work and gets to sleep at our house.

Who needs a schedule anyway? :)

~Whitney Copyright 2013

The HOW of Deployment...with Kids

Deployed. 

Such a crappy word. I mean, it is a word that just makes your face go scrunchy like you just smelled a nasty poop and you know you will have to deal with it. It is just yucky like that.

Although so far (we are only on day 14), it has actually been pretty easy.  My Beans normally don't sleep for the first week My Love is away - they EACH typically wake up twice between midnight and 6 am - so that means I don't really sleep that first week.
While I can handle minimal sleep for a fairly long amount of time...that is just brutal. 

This time has not been like every other time. 
We have all slept. WELL.
And awakened rested!
I know it sounds like a little thing - but I truly believe it is a miracle in our house.
It has been that much of a shock to get sleep.

The Beans have transitioned well. They miss My Love - but they aren't living in fear.
I have transitioned well - I miss My Love, but I'm not dying in loneliness.

Long, long ago....December 2004. 

This is where doing this before really comes in handy.  So, I thought I'd share some of the stuff we do to help make the separation easier for the Beans...maybe it will help one of you!

Spring 2004

We don't spring My Love leaving on the children.
We actually learned of this separation about a year ago, but since schedules can switch (a LOT) we waited to inform the children until we were a month away from the first brief time apart - 3 weeks.

Work ups are not my favorite thing.

We sat each of them down separately, and talked openly about him leaving. How he would be gone and then home, and then gone, and then home, and then gone, and barely home, gone longer, home briefly, and gone for a long, long time. We tried to give them the best big picture they each could understand.
String Bean cried.
Jumping Bean asked if she could go play.
Bitty Bean asked for candy.
Boy Bean didn't listen.

It may seem silly to do that with children so young - but they understand more than we give them credit for.  It helps them trust us - that they won't wake up one day and daddy will just be gone. 

Summer 2012

I always tell them that Daddy loves them wherever he is. It may seem like an odd thing, but that was a fear for some of the children during one of our separations. So I remind them he doesn't stop loving them just because he can't kiss them goodnight. In fact, whenever he is gone - I give them gentle, "Mommy kisses" and  silly, noisy, "Daddy kisses" when I tuck them in. Sometimes, when they really miss him - they ask for those "Daddy kisses." I'll talk in a low voice and do something silly that he would do. It helps keep him in our days. It keeps him a part of our life.

We talk about emotions and address fears

Summer 2011

About how it is okay to be sad, or angry, or happy, or miss Daddy, or not miss Daddy. We talk about how they will probably feel all of those things at some point. And that is OKAY. What is not okay is getting swallowed by emotions. It isn't okay to believe lies or live in constant fear - and we go to the Bible:

God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind  2 Timothy 1:7

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

When they ask me the hard questions, things like: 

"Is it dangerous what Daddy does at his work?"

"Could Daddy die before he comes home to us?"

"Will I ever see Daddy again?"

Easter 2011

I answer them truthfully. 

Yes. What Daddy does is dangerous. But he is where he is supposed to be. God is taking care of him.

Yes. Daddy could die before he comes home to us - but that is true for all of us, every single day. God has given Daddy a job to do - and he needs to do it. God has given us a job to do, here, and we need to that as well.

We are planning on you seeing Daddy again! They practice and check all of the things on the boat and on the aircraft to make everything as safe as possible - so Daddy should come home to us, but sometimes the Daddies and Mommies don't come home.

January 2011

We made Daddy Pillows. 
Each girl (slacker mom hasn't made the boy's) has a travel size pillow case with a picture of them with Daddy screen printed on it. They can hug it, they can kiss it, they can talk to it. They are allowed to bring it around with them if they are having a hard day. It has been a great comfort to each of them. I'm sure the Boy will feel similarly once he has his to hug. Or wrestle.

We have pictures of My Love with us all around the house.
And I tell the stories of the pictures - we keep Daddy in our daily life as much as possible. In fact, even though My Love is away, whenever Bitty Bean poops in the toilet - the first person she wants to tell is her Daddy.

I just love this picture! November 2008

The rules don't really change
I try to keep life as normal as possible when My Love is gone - I don't want the children resenting him when he returns. So, since they don't sleep with us when he is home....they don't sleep with me when he is gone. (Unless there are extenuating circumstances)

This means there are battles we have chosen not to fight when he is home - because we knew I couldn't keep up the fight when he is gone.

On the pier - December 2010

Prepping children for deployment is very tricky - but not insurmountable. 

Each of our Beans LOVE their Daddy. 

They've adjusted to his returns with ease. 

They've run to him on the pier and on the flight line.  

But the weight of what their relationship looks like? 

(Especially when they are young) 

Rests on the parent still at home. 

Flight line - October 2012

Which is probably why, after a recent separation, all 3 girls ran to hug Daddy....and Boy Bean punched him in the nose.

~Whitney Copyright 2013

Just What I Do....

Welp. We have officially had the easiest transition for a separation this time around. I am actually shocked at how smoothly it has gone!

Here is why I think it has gone so well...
1. Everyone I know is praying for us. :)
2. We've done this before and have added to our arsenal of tricks every time

Disclaimer: I'm not saying the goodbye was cake and that it didn't hurt. It did. I'm not saying that tears have disappeared from the house. I'm just saying that we are all doing really, really, well on the home front. At this moment....it can flip all crazy in a split second.

Deployments are like kids - 
Your first child has you terrified out of your mind. 
You don't know what to do. You are lost in Babies R Us. The plethora of books, magazines, advice, opinions, and products is ridiculously overwhelming.  The thought of Labor and Delivery scares you to your core. You are overwhelmed with all the things you can think of to be overwhelmed about.
And then you have a baby.
And you realize - the stuff you stressed about is not at all what you should have spent your time freaking out over! It is all these OTHER things that you had no clue about. You are learning how you parent. You are learning a new human. You are figuring out how to heal.

It is just a lot of new.

Your second child - has you scared in a new way.
You know what is coming - the exhaustion, the difficulty, the decisions that only you can make.
You still have no idea what is coming - it's a new HUMAN. And while you learned a lot with #1, #2 is whole different ball game. Thankfully, you are a little more sure of yourself this time around. You learned a bit of your groove with #1. You identified things you'd do differently, or repeat. You have an arsenal of tools for handling teething and colic and sleep difficulties and eating challenges and all that jazz.

After your second child, your entire defense changes. 

You are no longer able to field man-to-man. 

From now on, you are always on Zone. 

And that is an entirely different bag of tricks.

Deployments are exactly the same.

The first one is petrifying. 
Will we be able to handle all the time apart?
Will we grow apart?
Will they still love me when they return?
What will I do in the lonely time?
The military acronyms are overwhelming.
The fluctuating schedule is enough to drive you out of your mind.
Leaving them on the pier, or at the squadron, or at the airport - is a deep ache that you can never prepare yourself for.
The shock of an empty closet - chair - bed - it is just a bit awful.

Especially that first time.

But it gets easier. 

Not because you love them less - but because you learn your tools. 

Each time they go, you discover more of who you are and what you are made of. 

Just like labor and delivery is never comfortable...you just learn how to handle it better. 

Honestly, I think a large part of the strength in our marriage (9 years - woohoo!) has been due to what we've learned through our separations:
We learned what was worth fighting over.
We were trained to not waste our moments on the phone.
We were forced to focus on what we love about the other person - instead of what drives us crazy.

I think deployments have been a huge gift in my life. 

Not because I like being apart - but because I have found out I have more in me than I ever knew.

Here are some of the tools in my arsenal for handling deployments...

1. Know Thyself - thyself is not an Island.
Assess who you are and what you need. You will be pushed waaaaaay beyond your comfort zone - get ready.  I know I am an extreme off-the-charts extrovert...which means I'm gonna handle the separations differently than someone a little more on the line of normal. (And I have absolutely no clue how a shy person should handle deployment. I won't even guess on that one.)

Even back on our first time apart, I knew that nights and weekends all by myself for months on end were not a recipe for a happy chick. Back then, I worked full-time at a job I loved. I lived in the town I grew up in...just minutes from my family. So I helped with my family as much as I could...I babysat for friends...I saw movies by myself...I did fun stuff with my brother (he's 13 years younger than I am)...I helped in AWANA at our church...I joined a gym. I did NOT learn to cook, clean, or sew. Which is unfortunate. I really should have tried to learn one of those back when I had all that free time!

The next separation had My Love leaving just 5 weeks after moving to a new state where I only knew 2 people within 7 hours. It was a little different than the first one.  I still knew that I would need to be around people so I wouldn't be enveloped in a great dark cloud...so I threw myself into our new church and got to know the people I worked with at Geico (selling motorcycle insurance. seriously) I am immensely thankful for that difficult time of knowing no one and having to put myself out there and create my support. It was hard. It was lonely. But I learned I am not going to fall to pieces just because I'm alone. 

So this time around (there have been a couple other separations in between those two and now!), I'm thankful. I've learned that I am not able to do it all on my own from our previous times apart. We are surrounded by amazing friends whom I affectionately call my support team.

Part of my team has happened organically...we met, we clicked, and angels sang. Some of it has happened very deliberately. I'm not gonna lie - some relationships I've developed because I knew we would need each other once My Love left. Or the other person has a special bond with one of the beans. Or they've been where I've been and can help me find my way.

Part of knowing yourself is knowing you are not super human. 

You will need help at some point. 

If you get in the habit of helping others and accepting their help - 

deployment will be much smoother sailing.

Actually, life will go much better in general....but that is for another day.

2. Don't look at your life as "on hold" while some one you love is away
If I had waited for My Love to be around to do anything fun...entire years of my life would have been serious bummers.  Truly - while he is still my favorite person to hang out with, fun can still occur without him present.  Plan adventures - explore new places - learn a new skill - take a class - read a book - watch a movie.
Do NOT sit on your couch having a pity party every night.
A) it will age you to always be crying and sad.
B) a deployment is not the hardest thing in the world - not by a long shot.

3. Get over yourself
Lonely?
New place?
Feel like nobody would care if you died?

(Yes, I felt that way. I wasn't suicidal - I was too tired to put forth the effort - it was more of a over-dramatic mental conversation.)

Push yourself. Take the kids to a soup kitchen. Volunteer with an organization that helps those with less. Commit to others.
There is no better way to get over your dark cloud than by investing in others.
I've been in some dark places where I thought the loneliness would swallow me whole. Cry out for help if you are there. Give help to others to keep it at bay.

4. Choose to be thankful
Some days everything in the house explodes or cries or whines or is utterly awful to be around. Those are hard days. I'm not really calm on those days.  I want to be - I try to be - but sometimes the nutcase overwhelms me and I just cry. On those days - those hours - those moments - where all I can see is the crazy-insane-chaos that is my life....I stop, and start thanking.
Actually, we all do.
When everyone is at each other's throats - I set a timer, and we go around and only say what we are thankful for until the time is up. Granted, we often start out with material things because the people are driving us loony. But the crazy thing is - after we start saying
thank you God, for this house
thank you God, for our food
thank you for our clothes
- our attitudes start changing.
Then, instead of griping about not getting to face time Daddy or call Daddy, we can say
Thank you God, for keeping Daddy safe
Thank you that we can email Daddy
Thank you that I can get hugs and kisses every day

Thankfulness. 

Realizing the gifts before us. 

That is the biggest challenge - and the greatest reward - of deployment.

Do you have any tips for how YOU get through deployment? (As the grown-up...the kids one is coming later this week. Don't go stealing my thunder!)

~Whitney
 Copyright 2013

Calendar Squares....

Calendar Squares.
(I.E. - The DUMBEST thing ever. )
What is a calendar square, you ask?

To me, it is a thing that creative women thought was a good idea to make non-crafters (like myself) stress out.  It is a thing women do for themselves...I don't know a single guy who gets all stoked about a calendar square.  Seriously.

Specifically, a calendar square is an Aviator thing (I've not heard of it for other communities...please correct me if I'm wrong!). Their general work space is the "Ready Room" - where they brief and de-brief and gather - a water cooler with flight suits, if you will.  On a wall in the Ready Room, the wives figure out a large something with 31 hooks/pockets on it. Ours is actually totally awesome. One of the wives has an extremely handy Dad....and he crafted a beautiful board with our squadron name on it and everything! (That part has been edited out for safety.)  :)

While the squadron is deployed, the board is loaded with special "squares" made by various families/friends of deployed personnel.  If you have a special day of a particular month, you can pick it and then craft your calendar square to suit the occasion. Otherwise, they just get put wherever in the month.

Are you tracking?

Sweet.

I am NOT crafty. I don't scrapbook. In fact the mess and clutter created by scrapbooking totally causes me to start twitching. The Beans all have baby books....but they are (most likely) the saddest looking things you've ever seen. Nothing special. Very Boring.

Sorry Beans, I have no idea when your teeth started falling out....I was too busy keeping you fed, clothed, and alive. Just trust they fell out. Oh, and about the Tooth Fairy? She is one seriously absent-minded chick....and she's always taking vacations! Maybe she will eventually snatch that tooth within a week of you losing it. But I wouldn't bank on it.

Back to the square. You are supposed to do one each month they are deployed.
I've never done one.

Not one.
The last time he was deployed was the first time I had even heard of calendar squares. We had a 5 year old, a 3 year old, a 15 month old, and I was in my third trimester with the Boy. My Love doesn't care about Calendar Square stuff, so I told him - they aren't happening. You will know I love you because I'm feeding and bathing the children every day. 
Thankfully, he was fine with that.

Fast forward to Tuesday night....after remembering about 10million wrong times to make my calendar square, I realized I had never actually DONE it. And My Love would be leaving in the morning.  Oops.  So Tuesday night found me doing the absolute bare minimum of the calendar square.

I didn't have any pretty paper - and we were out of plain paper - so I had to glue two chore sheets together and then cut them to the correct 5x7 size.
Redneck? A little.
I prefer to say "improvisation."

I had picked Valentine's day as our date....because it actually holds a lot of meaning for us.
It's the day we met.

10 years ago.

In honor of that, I glued a picture from our dating days on my square...sharpied a couple words....punched a hole for hanging it...and was done.

On the back, I hinted at the lack of creativity to come:

Creative success? Nope.
But, I view the calendar square (if you make one) as a glorious opportunity for embarrassment.

My Love, look out - 'cause I'm getting all daughter-of-Eve-crafty on you. :)

~Whitney
 Copyright 2013

Yuk.

There are some really awesome things about the military....
The Balls
The Homecomings
The Traveling
Having friends all around the world
Being able to speak acronym

But today is not any of those.

Today is the yucky part.
Today we said goodbye.
For much of the year.

....explaining to your children when they see Daddy next, all 3 girls will have had a birthday, and they will be in different grades...might be one of my least favorite things to do ever.

Watching My Love read stories last night to each Bean, knowing that scene won't happen again, is a very hard thing to see.

He will not get to snuggle them as 7, 5, 3, and 2, again.

Watching the final bag get packed - the toiletries removed from the bathroom - the last flight suit, donned.
Loading it all in the car.
Pulling out of the garage as a family of 6.

Pulling into squadron,
unbuckling children,
individually hugging,
tears filling eyes,
arms gripping necks,
whispering goodbyes.

Rain falling, 
tears falling, 
pulling away, 
as a family of 5.

This has not been my easiest day.

I know we will be fine. We will all do our jobs and take care of our responsibilities at home and aboard the ship. But that doesn't make the tearing apart easier. You can prepare for a million things...but the pulling away without your favorite person? That always hurts. Every time. You learn how to handle it better - you have more tools in your arsenal each time - but it doesn't make the goodbye easier.

So, if I'm a little less chipper than usual, please forgive me. 

Today is my day I've allotted time to be sad.  

If I need a breakdown again....I should have time on Sunday night. 

~Whitney
 Copyright 2013

Going Crazy....

My room is clean.
And it makes me cry.

There is a part of military separations that you don't really think about...the collecting, the prepping, the gathering of items.  And when they are gathered....they have to sit somewhere. In a house with 4 Beans - those things have to sit somewhere they will not be bothered. So, our room has been a disaster for the last month. Cliff bars, bedding, towels, uniforms, toiletries to last FOREVER, laundry detergent, pillows....all of this (and MORE!) have been lining the walls of our room. Stacked at the foot of our bed. Filling the empty spaces.

Our room is my haven - it isn't fancy, it isn't special, but it is devoid of toys and not a Kid Zone. It is my peaceful place. My easiest room to keep neat. So this last month of having sea bags and Bed, Bath, and Beyond bags, and boots, and all sorts of things messing up my one clean space....has been a rather big source of tension for me.  I couldn't go chill and bury my head in the sand about this deployment.  Because it was all around me. There was nowhere for me to hide.

But now - today - it is clean. The sea bags were loaded. The bedding was packed. I could vacuum all the spaces that are supposed to be clean - because all the gear was gone.  And you would think that would make me happy. But it didn't. Seeing all those things loaded into a car, knowing they were headed straight for a boat...not to return for a horribly-long time...it was not a completely sane moment. I know some of my emotional psychotic triggers....so, I sent the kids downstairs before I started vacuuming. And melting down. Crying that ugly cry where your lip shakes and you hope no one ever sees.

So, yes, my room is clean.
The floor has lovely vacuum marks.
But the closet is half-full.
The armoire has an empty shelf and an empty drawer.
The shoe rack is missing boots and brown shoes and running shoes and flip flops and slippers.

And my tears are falling.  

Loving a military man does not mean you love less deeply. 

It doesn't mean you love less strongly. 

It means your love is tested through fire.  

It means you hurt and miss and cry. 

It means you pick yourself up and wipe your tears and continue on with life. 

With loving.  

From afar.  

So, while I may be making the short trip to crazy rather often - it is because I love this man more than anything in the world. 

Being apart is hard - but he is worth it.  

And I love his crazy as much as he loves mine. :) 

~Whitney
 Copyright 2013

For real...

It's almost time.
Time for My Love to really DO his job.
To leave.
Time for me to do my job.
Without him.

And I'm ready.
I'm ready to no longer be waiting for it to start.
To stop counting the seconds he's with us - hoping and trying to eek every bit of memory out of them.
To stop this psychotic, pre-deployment, emotional roller coaster.

Who am I kidding? This ride is nowhere near over.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm wearing an itchy sweater all the time.
I'm tired of being easily annoyed at My Love.
I'm tired of being annoyed at myself for being easily annoyed at My Love.

I mean, seriously, I only have a few more days with him....and I choose frustration and anger?! What is wrong with me?! I can be angry by myself for the rest of the year....why I'm wasting that energy right now, I'll never know. (I know that is normal...but it is still completely annoying.)

  

I feel ready. I have my Power of Attorney. My friends. My family. My squadron. My support group is wide and deep - a gift for which I am thankful.
I'm not really worried about all that will happen during this time apart.  Things will break...the dishwasher, the washing machine, furniture, lawn implements. (Hopefully nothing with the car) Injuries will occur....face wounds, abrasions, bruises, hurt feelings, illnesses. (Hopefully no broken bones or stitches) I will be tired. The Beans will be tired. My Love will be tired. We'll feel bad about all that is happening without someone there. Someone we love. Desperately.

Thankfully, we've done this before. Which takes a lot of the fear out of it.  I know these children will absolutely LOVE their Daddy throughout this...they will be so excited about his return - they won't sleep the night before.  The distance will not hinder that relationship. He will do what he can...but I will keep him in our life.

Deployment is hard. Really hard, actually. But there can be perks - it forces you to not sweat the little things; to be choosy in your communication; to treasure who you love.  I saw a bumper sticker that said

  "Live each day like he deploys tomorrow." 

And while that would literally mean I would never cook and we would be bankrupt...the idea is true.

Don't nitpick apart the things you once loved.
Treasure the moments.
Stop what you are doing and kiss them when they walk through the door.
Speak well of each other to those around you.
Choose to treasure the gift of perspective...and not resent the lack of seconds.

My Love, I will miss you. 

I will miss you. 

And I wish you didn't have to leave us. 

But I will take care of everything here - so you can do what you must.  

Just know that while you are gone - I will love you fiercely. 

And presents and phone calls and emails and letters are always welcome. :)

~Whitney
 Copyright 2013

Fear

I'm about to open up a scary can of worms.

About myself.
About separations.
About fear.

I try to keep a good face on separations and deployments - we picked this life, we knew this would be part of it, we've even had an easy time of it compared with most families.
But the truth? Well, sometimes you can't plaster a smile on.  Sometimes, even though I answer "fine" - it is only because I know you can't fully grasp...or don't really care to know...the full answer.

How are you?
Fine.
Such a tossed-around question. So rarely meant.

How ARE you?
For real.

For real?
For real, there are times fear grips my soul and I toss, sleepless, even though I'm exhausted.
Fear? Of what?
Fear of the unknown. Fear of the known. Fears for safety.
I don't know a military wife who hasn't had to grapple with the idea of someone knocking on their door. The fact that a normal part of life is updating wills and talking about what to do if he dies before he returns. Now, the odds are definitely in our favor - but the possibility is still there.
Sometimes I'm overwhelmed and tired and it doesn't matter because I must keep pushing.
Fear of failing on my end of this team. Of letting down the Beans, letting down My Love.
Sometimes I just reside in the land of "If." A place of unknown, no peace, and unrest.
Most days I can fight it.
Most days I'm not fearful.
But there are nights.
Nights that just seem to be laden with fear.
Sometimes I want to cry - even though I don't have it that bad.
Or even bad at all.
I know the truth....

2 Timothy 1:7 - 

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, 

but of power and of love and of a sound mind

Just some days it is harder to remember the truth.

How am I?
Tired.
Lonely.
I'm surrounded by people all day - people I love! But the nights are hard. The meal time battles, the baths, the homework, the bed time routine, the kitchen clean up, the laundry, it is just a lot to do. I'm not the first person - or the last - to go through this, but it is a lot. Some nights are easy.  Some are not. Some nights go according to plan...and then you have nights where you can't tuck a child in on time because they are crying over missing their daddy. Kissing his picture isn't good enough. And it falls on me to help their 3 year old heart understand and ease the ache. When something comes up with a boy and they need Daddy's perspective. . . all they get is me. When they wake up screaming from bad dreams - screaming for Daddy...they get me.
It is just hard.
And I have it easy. I am fortunate to be surrounded by friends who are like family. I even have family locally! I have an amazing community I can rely on...and it is still hard.

Sometimes I lie and say everything is great - because I don't have the time or energy to say otherwise. Sometimes I lie and say everything is great - because the person asking doesn't have the time to hear the real answer.
Sometimes I tell the truth and say everything is great - because it REALLY is.
Some days are easy.
Some days are hard - but it is easy to see the good, the funny, the beautiful in them.
Some days I am amazed at these wonderful Beans I get to hang out with and try my hand at training - because they are resilient. They are beautiful. They are strong. They are tender. They love fearlessly. They face fear and truthfully cry out for comfort.

So, when you think of me, could you pray that I do the same?

I want to face the fear and cry out for comfort.


~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

Truth...take 2

I don't know if this is normal for all people about to deal with deployment...but it is normal for me.

Although, I didn't really know it was normal...I've always chalked it up to being pregnant/crazy. Apparently, it is just my normal/crazy.

Good to know.

What am I talking about?

The amazing ability to be sitting and talking with my husband about something random like stationery, and laughing heartily...until suddenly I'm not.  Suddenly, I'm fighting back tears and losing miserably. I'm crying over STATIONERY!! And I'm just a ball of emotions and I don't want to be wasting time crying but I can't stop it. In a half second something triggered something and the length of time apart screams to the front of my mind.

So I cry.
I used to fight the random moments of meltdown.
Not anymore.
Now I know they will come at typically the most inconvenient moment possible.
I conserve energy and let the tears come - I recover faster, if I just let it flow.
I used to think it was a sign of weakness, that people would think less of me if I let my guard down...or that it wouldn't be good for the Beans to see Mommy have moments of insanity.
But I was wrong.
It is a blessing to allow people in to encourage and comfort.
It is comforting for the Beans to know I miss him too. It gives them space to be sad. It shows them it is possible to thoroughly enjoy a moment and still have a spot where things are not perfect.

I can't walk around as a basket case - and I don't think I do  - but allowing myself the freedom to actually register all the feelings is a good thing.

Thankfully, My Love knows me very well and is no longer freaked out by these unknown buttons that make me cry.

Like onions. Yep, onions.
I was cutting onions the other day (which always makes my chronic dry-eyes water like they are a reservoir) and I wasn't sad. I was happy!!! I was standing in the kitchen with a friend talking about curtains and fabric and then - out of nowhere - I started crying for real. I don't know why or how or what...but it just hit me that I will miss that man terribly.

He wants to fix it - to make me not cry and be sad.
But he can't.
This is his job.
A job we are thankful to have.
He must leave.
We must carry on in different parts of the world fulfilling our jobs.

Sometimes he just hugs me and lets me cry.
Sometimes he reminds me how very hard this will be on him too. A fact all too easy to forget.

I am not the only one dreading his absence.

He will miss birthdays and holidays and boring days and good days and bad days and silly stories and bed time stories and boo boos that need kissing and hearts that need mending. 

He won't be here for months of family movie night. 

He won't get to smell freshly washed children or laugh at how filthy they can get. 

He'll miss random hugs and kisses and spontaneous squeals of "I love you!" 

He'll miss teeth being lost and inches being grown and milestones being reached. 

He'll miss an entire phase of each Bean's life....poorly captured through email, limited pictures, and monthly phone calls. 

He'll be able to "see" us on Face time - but only in port calls.  

He'll miss hours of knock knock jokes. 

Poop explosions. 

Vomiting.  

The celebratory first day of summer. 

The first day of school.  

Family trips. 

Adventures. 

Moments. We will both miss. 

Sometimes it easy for me to only think of how sad I am that he will be gone....and I forget to think about his side. What he will miss.

If you see me and I am laughing and then dissolve into tears, don't be alarmed.
That is just me.
Too lazy for pretense.

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

Truth....

Recently, I've been told by some people they don't feel I am honest about the difficulties military separations cause.

The trouble is, when I say "Oh, everything is fine! We are doing great." I AM being honest. We have hard days and rough spots - but overall, the separations we've dealt with this year, have been easy peasy.

My Love has been away for numerous schools/training throughout the year....
3 weeks in January in Georgia
3 weeks in June in Key West
6 weeks in July/August split between Nevada and California
3 1/2 weeks in October on the boat

Next week he leaves again.
6 weeks in Nevada.

Yep. You counted right - he'll be gone over Thanksgiving.
If the weather cooperates, he'll be home for Christmas. If not, we'll celebrate on our own day. We have moved birthdays and holidays and anniversaries for 9 years now....it doesn't even register anymore.

So, if you were adding up, that means he will have spent 21 1/2 weeks (just over 5 months) away from the family this year.

And he's not deployed.

The big-dog away is next year.

Here is my perspective on all those times apart....If you think I'm sugar coating this, or being Pollyanna, you are wrong.
This is me.
For true.

Every day - on the easy days, on the hard days, on the sad days, on the everything-is-breaking-and-the-kids-are-sick days - I remember how fortunate I am.
My husband is away - but that is not the worst thing ever.
We have a roof over our heads, food on our table, clothes on our backs. At any point I can kiss and snuggle my sweet children. Our car works. We have an amazing group of friends and family who pray for us and support us.
When the days seem long, or any of us in the house want to wallow in the "poor me" party - we stop and remember to focus on what we do HAVE, instead of what we don't have.
Discontent breeds misery. 
I have to stop wishing he wasn't away - and focus on the gift of knowing him at all.
I constantly remind the Beans on the hard days, "Be thankful you miss Daddy. That means he is kind, and loving, and wonderful. There are many children in this world who do not have the gift of a kind Daddy. They look forward to Daddy leaving - we are blessed to have a Daddy we miss."

I am also lazy.
It takes entirely too much energy to be miserable.
I know how exhausting being miserable is, because I've been there.
I've wallowed.  I've started to drown in my own loneliness and believe the lie I was bearing the hardest burden ever.
But it isn't.
These separations are nowhere close to the hardest thing ever.

Dealing with a separation is challenging. 

But it can also be a great thing.

You decide.

I am thankful for our history with deploying when My Love was enlisted - it helps me feel better prepared for what is coming.

Every separation has its own personality - but there are certain constants that I can count on....

The day before he leaves - we will all wear our cranky pants. Always. And we are all annoyed about being annoyed, so it just isn't pleasant.

The first week he is gone - all 4 Beans wake up (at least) once a night.  Typically, they each wake up twice. Hence....

The first week he is gone - I am exhausted out of my mind.  :)

The 3rd or 4th day - the children are all on pins and needles angry about everything. They will fight and cry and melt with reckless abandon.

The 2nd week is fairly smooth, the girls have adjusted to the schedule, everyone is sleeping through the night; but this is when the Boy tries to test what I'm made of.  So the 2nd week is full of highly intensive parenting.

By the 3rd week - we are in a rhythm.  Smooth sailing from there on out, in theory.
Holidays/birthdays/special days are hard - everyone misses Daddy.
Saturdays drag by and take forever...so I try to have a fun purpose for every Saturday.

Having a handy sense of humor is also a key to surviving separations....things will go wrong, kids will get sick, stuff you never planned on will come up....you can laugh (which is an awesome tool for anti-aging, burns calories, and keeps frowning wrinkles at bay) or you can melt and cry.

I cry sometimes. And melt sometimes.
But most of the time? I laugh.
I'm too tired to do anything else.


~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

Welcome home....

This week, My Love returned.
He was only gone for 3 1/2 weeks - so I didn't really care about pictures or documentation.

Thankfully, another aviator in the squadron completely ignored me - and took pictures.

Because I viewed this as Just 3 1/2 weeks....in comparison to a deployment, it wasn't a big deal.
To me.

But to the Beans?

Well, they could hardly sleep the night before his return. They had trouble eating due to excitement - even the boy! We had dealt with all the normal crazy of every separation - there are phases and steps we always go through - so, this welcome home was still quite sweet.

And, it was a Fly in. Which is super cool - and something we've never done before!

When My Love was enlisted, he always returned on his boat. 

When he last deployed as an aviator - he came home with the ship. 

All the other times he's gone away have been for schools - he always flew commercial

Waiting on the flight line, watching the aircraft bank to come in for a landing, knowing Daddy was in that plane...all 4 Beans waited with rapt attention. 

When we finally saw him, and he was close enough for us to run to...they ran.

I let them win. Because it was only 3 1/2 weeks.

Rest assured - when he comes home from the long one, I will be stiff-arming those ankle-biters out of my way. 

I will get the first kiss. 

The first hug.

I'm his favorite. :)

If you carefully inspect the above picture - you will see Boy Bean has his right arm raised with a clenched fist. That is because, seconds after the picture was taken, the Boy punched My Love in the nose. 

Welcome home.

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

10 days...part 2

This little away has not been all fun and games (a la the last post).

Though it has been completely normal. 

Yes, a copy of my debit card was made and someone sought to purchase items in Portugal. Lots of items. So all of our accounts were frozen. Which is not the end of the world, except I was checking out at the commissary when they froze the accounts.

Of course.

Our bank, USAA, is amazing. So, aside from some inconvenience - we are okay.

Then, we narrowly missed being in a pileup on the interstate. By "narrowly," I mean by about 3 inches and 1/2 a second. I am not known for being an excellent driver. My Love is about 10 million times better than I.  But somehow, I was able to maneuver the Swagger Wagon between the orange construction barrels without hitting them or the car in front of me.  The car behind me slammed into the car in front of me. Did I mention I had all 4 beans AND a friend in the car?

I'm convinced Jesus took the wheel.

After all the girls stopped screaming like banshees, and my heart stopped beating in my ears, we were able to continue home.

I also managed to get so ridiculously lost going to a friend's house, that I pulled to the side of the road and cried.

This is the face of an eventual felon.

Boy Bean has been channeling every naughty behavior possible. That boy has some insane stamina. After his screaming, snotting, kicking, hitting, and needing an exorcism daily, my house has been suffering from neglect. The man-child will never be pressured into ANYTHING he doesn't want to do. Lucky for him, his stubborn nature comes direct from both parents - so I intend to win this battle. I may end up deaf because of it, but this child is gonna learn some self-control. Until that time, Mama-control will have to suffice.

Bitty Bean broke into my makeup during a quiet time. One brand new eyeliner pencil and bottle of foundation later, she developed quite a look. She was seeking to be a lion. I was seeking not to freak out.  Yes, I let her keep it on her face the rest of the day. Yes, she had to clean up the obscene mess in the bathroom.

Not done yet.

THEN, I had the privilege of being a support person for a friend's labor and delivery. Which was AMAZING.  Thoughts on that will have to be another time... the short of it is this: I don't know how emergency personnel do it. I had 2 hours of sleep to last me 23 hours.  I thought I was gonna die. And I didn't even have the baby!

Finally, I had a special day with Jumping Bean and String Bean only. We had numerous doctor's appointments scheduled on one day, so I just kept them out of school, farmed out the younger half, and made an adventure of it.  What a grand and marvelous day it was.  Those two are just entirely too much fun.

We've also had the normal face wounds (4), bleeding extremities (3), bad dreams (lost count), and dance parties (as often as we can!).

So far, I'd say it has been a pretty good ride. :)

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

10 days...

10 days.

ONLY 10 days.

That is how long My Love has been gone so far. (He won't be home for a couple more weeks) In the grand scheme of life, it really isn't very long. With deployments lasting months on end - 10 days is not a big deal.

At all.

But.

Sometimes, I need to step back and think about what goes on during our times apart. What crazy/normal life looks like. What I don't think of as a big deal.

Like, say, explosive poop.

I apologize in advance if you have a sensitive constitution. 

Please skip this entire post.

I also apologize to Jumping Bean. 

Profusely.

But it isn't stopping me from sharing.  :)

As we left My Love on the pier last week, the Beans and I sat in the car and let it sink in.
This is the year. It's our turn.
Our turn to say the goodbyes and experience the separations and learn how to do life without our favorite man around.
It is our turn for those things....because our friends will soon be saying "Welcome Home."
They will finally get to re-learn how to do life with all parts of the family present.
They will not have an empty place at birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, school programs, and church events over this next year - because they did it this year.
Since we see those goodbyes and families missing each other - the beans know what they are about to do. The car was a bit sad, String Bean was crying, and everyone was quiet.

But not for long.

Within 2 minutes of leaving My Love, Jumping Bean yells out from the back of the Swagger Wagon
"I NEED to POOP!"
Being the understanding Mommy I am, I said,
"Hold it. We just took you to the head at the boat. You can wait the 15 minutes till we get home."
Insert groans and painful squeaks from the back.
"NO MOMMY!!! I CAN'T!"
String Bean, always happy to help, inserted,
"Are you sure it is poop? I mean, I think it is easier to hold poop in and not so easy for pee."

At this point, I'm acting very mature, and snorting my laughter.  

Jumping Bean, writhing in pain, says,
"Oh. It is for SURE poop. It is gonna come out! It hurts so bad!"
Bitty Bean (always curious) queries in her-oh-so-extremely-cute-voice,
"Is it diarrhea? That doesn't feel good."

Suddenly, the screeching and squeals in the back stop. And Jumping Bean asks a loaded question:
"What does diarrhea feel like?"

In the interest of maintaining some sense of decorum on this blog - although I'm pretty sure that has never been present - I will save you the in-depth, highly descriptive answers that String Bean, Bitty Bean, and yes, even I, gave. Just trust they were very informative. I doubt Webster's does a more thorough job.  

The description left me crying from laughter. And it made me realize I should probably stop at friends house to allow Jumping Bean to use their toilet.

Wise, wise, decision.

So now, I can honestly say, moments after my husband left - the poop, (very narrowly missed) the van. 

Thank you for chuckling.

So much more has happened over the last 10 days....but I'm afraid it will just have to wait. :)

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

The Why's and What for's....

Well, change is happening. Or happened.

I'm NOT pregnant.

We had planned on homeschooling String Bean (2nd grade) and Jumping Bean (Kindergarten) this year.
Here is the why behind that decision:
It worked pretty well last year.
My Love is still on a sea tour and will be deploying early next year.
We wanted the flexibility of the homeschooling schedule so we could be with My Love whenever possible.

Really, that was the primary reason FOR homeschooling: Flexibility/time with Daddy.

But when we found out his schedule (And realized how very little we will see him over the next year) homeschooling didn't really seem to make sense for us.

I've never been a die-hard homeschooler.
I guess you could say I'm reluctant at best.  
And I was really, really, really nervous about starting up school knowing that a deployment was staring me in the face.

I was beyond nervous. I felt overwhelmed.

I knew that no matter what I did - one of the areas (at least!) I'm responsible for, would fail.

My Love knows me very well, and he trusts me to tend to the things of home when he is away. But when we learned his schedule - he became much more concerned about the weight of homeschooling on my shoulders.  Work-ups and deployments are HARD. They are hard on all members of the family and they are EXHAUSTING.

He wanted to alleviate some of that pressure.

I finally admitted to My Love that I was dreading starting school. 

I was terrified of the work load it would bring. 

And I didn't know if that terror was because I am lazy and just didn't' want to DO the work; 

OR if it was because I was adding work I wasn't supposed to bear. 

Sometimes, it is really hard to tell the difference.

The night before school officially started, the decision was made:
"Whitney, we're sending them to school."

I almost cried, I was so relieved.

God knew all along we would be here. He planned it out so beautifully.  
For them to go to school, they are required to have physicals and updated shots...back in June when I made their annual appointment, the first opening the Doctor had was on Tuesday, September 4th.
The First Day of School.
The day I was going all over the place enrolling them.
So, on THAT day - unknown to me 3 months ago - I went to: 2 schools and picked up paperwork; the Pediatricians office and had 2 physicals and 3 children caught up on shots (highly NOT recommended);  had String Bean do a reading assessment; dropped off paperwork; saw 2 classrooms; met 2 teachers; and did all the back to school shopping. (Thank you Target!)
Did I mention ALL 4 were with me the WHOLE time?! I was exhausted.

So now, String Bean is happily enrolled as a 2nd grader at the public school for our neighborhood; and Jumping Bean is attending Kindergarten at a small Christian preschool/Kindergarten down the street. They are both over-the-moon excited! AND  - they only missed 1 day. :)

We've been at this for one week now...and everyone is thriving.  This house is loaded with 3 over-the-top-off-the-charts extroverts - and all 6 of us are loving this change.

String Bean comes home almost giddy every day. (Even yesterday, when she got her finger stuck/pinched in a door and had to wait for someone to come by and set her free) She loves riding the bus. Her classmates are lovely. She loves the competition, the schedule, the workload.

Jumping Bean loves her teacher. She loves meeting new people and doing new things. She has the space to show her personality without being constrained by her siblings. She loves having her own place - her own things - her own friends.

Bitty Bean and I have been doing school together - and she loves the uninterrupted time she gets. I can focus on just her. When we dropped Jumping Bean off that first day, Bitty Bean buckled back into her seat and said, "Oh yeah. I'm the big boss lady now!"

Boy Bean is also developing through this. There are more quiet moments and time where he can talk for himself. He is learning to do things, because a sister won't do it for him. I am able to teach him (and Bitty Bean) things that had slid to the side...following through on cleaning up, obedience, speaking, cooking together, reading together, time to enjoy each other.

For the first time in forever, My Love came home to a clean home, a good meal, caught up laundry, happy children, and a happy wife.

I think that about sums it up. :)

~Whitney Copyright 2012