Friday, January 11, 2013

For real...

It's almost time.
Time for My Love to really DO his job.
To leave.
Time for me to do my job.
Without him.

And I'm ready.
I'm ready to no longer be waiting for it to start.
To stop counting the seconds he's with us - hoping and trying to eek every bit of memory out of them.
To stop this psychotic, pre-deployment, emotional roller coaster.

Who am I kidding? This ride is nowhere near over.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm wearing an itchy sweater all the time.
I'm tired of being easily annoyed at My Love.
I'm tired of being annoyed at myself for being easily annoyed at My Love.

I mean, seriously, I only have a few more days with him....and I choose frustration and anger?! What is wrong with me?! I can be angry by myself for the rest of the year....why I'm wasting that energy right now, I'll never know. (I know that is normal...but it is still completely annoying.)
I feel ready. I have my Power of Attorney. My friends. My family. My squadron. My support group is wide and deep - a gift for which I am thankful.
I'm not really worried about all that will happen during this time apart.  Things will break...the dishwasher, the washing machine, furniture, lawn implements. (Hopefully nothing with the car) Injuries will occur....face wounds, abrasions, bruises, hurt feelings, illnesses. (Hopefully no broken bones or stitches) I will be tired. The Beans will be tired. My Love will be tired. We'll feel bad about all that is happening without someone there. Someone we love. Desperately.

Thankfully, we've done this before. Which takes a lot of the fear out of it.  I know these children will absolutely LOVE their Daddy throughout this...they will be so excited about his return - they won't sleep the night before.  The distance will not hinder that relationship. He will do what he can...but I will keep him in our life.

Deployment is hard. Really hard, actually. But there can be perks - it forces you to not sweat the little things; to be choosy in your communication; to treasure who you love.  I saw a bumper sticker that said

  "Live each day like he deploys tomorrow." 
And while that would literally mean I would never cook and we would be bankrupt...the idea is true.

Don't nitpick apart the things you once loved.
Treasure the moments.
Stop what you are doing and kiss them when they walk through the door.
Speak well of each other to those around you.
Choose to treasure the gift of perspective...and not resent the lack of seconds.

My Love, I will miss you. 
I will miss you. 
And I wish you didn't have to leave us. 
But I will take care of everything here - so you can do what you must.  
Just know that while you are gone - I will love you fiercely. 

And presents and phone calls and emails and letters are always welcome. :)

 Copyright 2013


  1. oh Whitney... I'm just sitting here crying my eyes out. I'm so very sorry. I'm praying for you, for him, and for the kids. I know first hand how hard it is on everyone. One of my first memories is (as a pre-schooler) sobbing into my father's flight jacket for the last time for over 6 months as I said goodbye for deployment. Whenever I get frustrated with him or feel hurt by things he does I think back to that memory and I remember how much I love him. A favorite memory is attending the coming home of the ship when I was in High School. I was the first one to see him and I jumped over the rope that's supposed to keep families back and just ran as fast as I could to his arms. Praying that moment comes so quickly for you. <3

    1. Thank you for the perspective of being a military brat....I truly appreciate it!

  2. Just BIG HUGS for you all!!!!!!! xxxxxxoooooo


Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement!