It's time....

So, I knew this day was coming.

Every beginning has an end.

But, even though I was eagerly anticipating the end....I was also anxiously awaiting the final moment.

That moment when your life changes forever is sometimes loud and obvious 

(Like a move, or a death, or a huge decision)

...and sometimes it is quiet and barely noticeable 

(Like walking by a guy in an country line dance club, or a surprise plus sign, or 

landing on a church via the internet because it starts with "A")

She is NOT covered in blood - it is the Christmas Oreo filling.

I would have never thought 3 years and 2 months ago (October, 2008), a phase was beginning and would last until now. I didn't think I was starting a bootcamp phase of change.

But it did.  And I was.

What happened way back then? What is ending now?

Pregnancy and Breastfeeding.

Yes, I was pregnant with String Bean in 2005, and Jumping bean in 2007; but I breastfed them for one month and two months (Respectively), so I had breaks in between of not sustaining life.

When I found out I was pregnant with Bitty Bean....on October 31st, 2008....just before I went out with friends as Sarah Palin....it started a 38-month-long period of pregnancy/breastfeeding/breastfeeding pregnant/pregnancy/breastfeeding.

And it just ended. 

December 6th was not a remarkable day; except that was the day Boy Bean didn't nurse.  And hasn't nursed since then. It was so unremarkable - so quiet of an exit - I almost didn't notice. It has taken me a week to just have time to process the final end of this phase.

This place where I was physically made aware of my selfishness and my challenge at putting others before myself.

I never thought I would breastfeed for a whole year (Add that to the list!) - but I am so glad I did. Now, as I'm packing up my nursing cover, nursing tanks, and breast pads, it seems almost surreal.

My little beans are growing up.

Maybe, just maybe, so am I.

~Whitney
Ps. Extended thoughts on breastfeeding/personal anecdotes may just need to find an outlet on this blog.

Copyright 2011

Chapters...

The beauty of life is the chance for the next chapter. No matter what the previous chapter contained, every new day is the chance for something different, something new, something exciting, something sweet, something sad, something happy.

We are entering a new chapter, and it is all of those things.

A few weeks ago I packed up all my maternity clothes.  They were not packed away to wait until I needed them again; they were packed away to pass on to someone else.

And I cried.  Hard.

It may seem like a crazy-woman thing to do - which it probably was - but the deep combination of happy and sad at this ending/beginning was overwhelming.

I will miss feeling the first kicks of a tiny human being. 
I will miss getting hints about a child's personality. 
I will miss the newborn smell. 
I will miss the tiny-baby-cuddles. 
I will miss the first moments of meeting a little person. 
I will miss getting head-of-line privileges in the women's restroom. 
I will miss being able to get seconds....and thirds....without anybody commenting.

I know it may seem strange - I mean, I already have four children - but each one is such a treasure.  I can't imagine not meeting any more.

But I am also excited.

I am excited to figure out our family rhythm, and have it stay there. 
I am excited to enjoy the growing up phases, without constantly having to go get the newborn. 
I am excited to sleep through the night one day. 
I am excited to lose the baby weight and stay there. 
I'm excited to figure out how My Love and I work - again - without me going through all the crazy emotions/hormones/weight changes.

Yet, I find the knowledge of Boy Bean (probably) being our last Bean, has made me treasure his moments more. It has caused me to relish this exhaustion, instead of resent it. I am not balking at the scheduling challenge of nursing Boy Bean - because there is an end in sight.

And I have lived so many years without any personal space - it really doesn't make a difference.

I am entering a new phase - a phase where the newborn gear is not being saved for later; a phase where each time Bitty Bean grows, it will mark the last time of seeing those clothes; a phase where diapers will not need their own cart.

And I am sad.

Because I have only recently learned how to intensely relish pregnancy and newborn and infant.  I wish I could make it up to my older Beans.

Sorry girls, your mama is a slow learner.

And I am happy.

Because recently I have learned how to intensely relish the moments of each day - each chapter - as they fly by.

Time to turn the page.

Copyright 2011

Multi-tasking....

How do you know you are one of "those" moms?

Well, I'll tell you how I know!

This past week I had my 6 week post-partum checkup....one week early....and I'm not explaining what they do. It is enough to know it is not a public event and not my most-favorite-thing-ever.

Anyway.

I had a team of people taking care of String Bean, Jumping Bean, and Bitty Bean...this really wasn't an appointment where I felt like having inquiring minds present.  I mean, there was no way my Beans - ages 5, 3, and 19months - would have been able to stand facing the wall for any length of time. While I appreciate - and seek to encourage - their interest in medicine and the human body, I don't think they are quite ready for all that.

Or, at least, I'm not.

So, my current-living-accessory....Boy Bean....was my only company on this special day.

Which is always fun because everyone makes sweet faces and comments to me about "how fast the time flies" and "what a treat I'm in for".....and I completely agree. But when I tell them he's my fourth...they suddenly look at me like I'm a nutcase. Which I really don't mind. What I do mind is the apparently-required-comment that normally follows: "Well, I hope you've figured out how that happens!" My standard reply has become: "Yep. And it is a TON of fun." Then they typically shuffle off in stunned silence.

Anyway.

On this particular day my midwife was running behind...not complaining, just stating the facts...and that 45 minute delay put Boy Bean's feeding right when I would be having my fun time with the midwife. As she walked into the room, the little man started to cry. I told her that he was hungry and asked if I could nurse him....during my checkup.

She had no problem with that....can I just say how much I love my midwives???

So there I was...on the table....being checked....nursing my 5 week old Boy Bean.

I'm a multi-tasker.

Copyright 2011