Chapters...

The beauty of life is the chance for the next chapter. No matter what the previous chapter contained, every new day is the chance for something different, something new, something exciting, something sweet, something sad, something happy.

We are entering a new chapter, and it is all of those things.

A few weeks ago I packed up all my maternity clothes.  They were not packed away to wait until I needed them again; they were packed away to pass on to someone else.

And I cried.  Hard.

It may seem like a crazy-woman thing to do - which it probably was - but the deep combination of happy and sad at this ending/beginning was overwhelming.

I will miss feeling the first kicks of a tiny human being. 
I will miss getting hints about a child's personality. 
I will miss the newborn smell. 
I will miss the tiny-baby-cuddles. 
I will miss the first moments of meeting a little person. 
I will miss getting head-of-line privileges in the women's restroom. 
I will miss being able to get seconds....and thirds....without anybody commenting.

I know it may seem strange - I mean, I already have four children - but each one is such a treasure.  I can't imagine not meeting any more.

But I am also excited.

I am excited to figure out our family rhythm, and have it stay there. 
I am excited to enjoy the growing up phases, without constantly having to go get the newborn. 
I am excited to sleep through the night one day. 
I am excited to lose the baby weight and stay there. 
I'm excited to figure out how My Love and I work - again - without me going through all the crazy emotions/hormones/weight changes.

Yet, I find the knowledge of Boy Bean (probably) being our last Bean, has made me treasure his moments more. It has caused me to relish this exhaustion, instead of resent it. I am not balking at the scheduling challenge of nursing Boy Bean - because there is an end in sight.

And I have lived so many years without any personal space - it really doesn't make a difference.

I am entering a new phase - a phase where the newborn gear is not being saved for later; a phase where each time Bitty Bean grows, it will mark the last time of seeing those clothes; a phase where diapers will not need their own cart.

And I am sad.

Because I have only recently learned how to intensely relish pregnancy and newborn and infant.  I wish I could make it up to my older Beans.

Sorry girls, your mama is a slow learner.

And I am happy.

Because recently I have learned how to intensely relish the moments of each day - each chapter - as they fly by.

Time to turn the page.

Copyright 2011