Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Who knew?

Who knew that finding out the LONG deployment was CANCELLED one day before My Love left would be hard news to take?

Who knew that we both would experience a blender full of emotions?

Who knew that the kids would be thrilled and ecstatic and have no trouble transitioning?

Who knew the grown ups wouldn't be quite as good at living out a limber schedule?

Not me.
Not My Love.

The roller-coaster of maximum emotion experienced in this last week...the week where he returned for what was supposed to be 4 days and then found out he was staying home until much later in the year....has come as quite a shock.

I didn't think my husband NOT leaving would fill me with an emotion other than elated joy.
But it did.

I was angry.
NOT about him staying.
But at how the news came out.
At the apparent lack of care our government has for the personnel it owns and the families attached to them.
At (what feels like) hours and months of work and prep to get our home and our children ready for him to leave....for nothing.
Anger about the plans that can't happen.
Anger about not getting to go to a Port Call. (Which is purely selfish, but it is an amazing perk of being a Military wife and I couldn't wait to finally go to one!!! I've always been too pregnant to go before.)

I wasn't excited about the actual deployment - but I guess I was excited for it to be a part of our story. It was finally our turn. Our friends have gone and gone and gone...isn't it time for them to get a break and for us to carry the banner?
It just doesn't seem fair.

I felt guilt.
Guilt that my husband would be home this Spring...and thousands of other sailors will not.
Sailors who already have missed half of last year at home.

I was confused.
Could I even be excited over this news?
Would they just change their minds again in two days?

And I am happy.
Thankful for each moment with My Love.
Thankful he is getting to experience this age - especially - with the Boy Bean.
Thankful all the weight that was resting solidly on my shoulders is no longer being born alone.

It is a tricky thing, this Military life.

So if my face periodically scrunches into confusion, I'm probably just recalibrating.

Because Holyheckamama, it is actually pretty hard.

~Whitney Copyright 2013

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement!