Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Watching my heart walk away....

Today is a momentous day.
I have the rare treat of getting my heart beat up, not one, but TWO separate times.  (Please note the sarcasm.)  It has been said that being a parent feels like watching your heart walk around outside your body...so does being a military spouse.  (More on that tomorrow)

This morning we were awakened 5 minutes before the alarm went off by an extremely excited 5 year old.  Our little String Bean was so excited about her first day of school she woke up...early...on her own....because she "didn't want to be late for school."  (!)  :)
String Bean and her backpack

After the morning routine of feeding, cleaning, and dressing the natives that keep me smiling and exhausted; all 5 of us piled into the "Big Car" and took String Bean to school.  (Hallelujah! Her school starts at 10!)  She was thrilled beyond words - not even a trace of nervousness.  I, however, was inwardly fretting myself to death.  After packing and re-packing her lunch....and worrying about if she had enough food....or too much....or if it was strange and would cause her to be made fun of.....I realized I AM THAT MOTHER.  

You know, the mom who can't let go of her baby?  The one who looks at her big 5 year old child walking into a classroom and wonders if she'll remember......fill in the blank?  You know the mom who has raised her child to be independent and capable - and is thrilled the child actually IS those things - but still has a bit of a sore heart as she watches the tiny baby that brought the gift of motherhood into her life step into the Great Big world? That mom?  Well, That Mom is Me.

I really did fine. No tears. No lump in my throat. Just smiles and pride that my little girl is growing up.

Until.
Jumping Bean all dressed up

Until we had been gone an hour (Having a WONDERFUL time with Jumping Bean and Chilly Bean), and Jumping Bean said "I think we can go get Canaan now."  

I felt the exact same way. 

After we picked String Bean up from school - 4 WHOLE HOURS later - we returned home and heard all about her amazing day.  She truly had the best time ever. EVER.

As My Love and I sat down with her, hearing all about every minute detail, we were thrilled to know it had gone so very well.  Then I reiterated to her what else was happening today.

My Love is deploying.  Until the end of the year.

We will get to take him to the airport late tonight, hug him, kiss him, and leave him.  He will not come home with us.  He will go and do his job.

String Bean sat very still, then she crawled into my lap, and sobbed.

When I asked her what she loves most about Daddy she said, "Everything."

I feel the exact same way.

Copyright 2010

12 comments:

  1. oh Whitney... this makes me bawl my eyes out. I am so so so sorry you have to be without Jonathan for so long. I am ready to make those cream puffs as soon as you are!

    I am praying for you and the girls...

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  2. I'm praying for you Whitney! Just think about how sweet the reunion at the end of it will be. That's what has kept me smiling the past month+.

    Love&Hugs!
    Gina

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  3. Let us know if you guys need anything. What a blessing of having him home to at least hear about the first day of school.

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  4. What an emotional day it is for you! Whenever you want to get together and have our kids play. Eliza is all excited she is in Kindergarten too!

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  5. Oh, my, Whitney! This is so poignant, and I don't mean that tritely. Praying for you as you face these big hurdles together. I have had my hubby close by for 52 years, but have let go four children numerous times. You are ALWAYS still a mother, no matter how many times you do it.....

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  6. thank you all!
    Lauren - I will get with you on our schedules. :)
    I'll be detailing the actual "Leaving" today....if I can find that box of tissues!

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  7. i just sobbed.....i am so sorry...

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  8. teresa - no worries! I sobbed...like crazy...while writing both parts of the "heart" posts. :)

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  9. I told Christopher to be extra sweet to Canaan because she had just said goodbye to her Daddy. We are here to help if you need it! I am the same type of Mommy... hold em close. =0)

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  10. Rare comment from a dad here. Some men might handle it differently, but I think I'll cry too when it comes in a few short months. It's a good reminder that our children ultimately belong to the Lord. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Thanks for the post.

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  11. Whitney - prayers going out for you and your family. 6 months into an 8 month deployment, I feel as if it is never-ending. You are such a strong woman and mother and wife - I admire you so much. Please let me know if I can ever do anything for you while Jon is gone.

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  12. Didn't realize this was in the past. But I just read the date. I still mean what I said though! :)

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Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement!