Monday, September 20, 2010

Holding Back the Tide...

There are days that feel wonderful - calm, peaceful, successful - days where not only the "list" gets everything checked off...but even a few extras are accomplished.  Those days where I am a calm, sweet-spirited mommy.  Those days where my children are perfect and kind and helpful.

Today was not one of those days.

Today was a day spent feeling like an isthmus between two raging oceans threatening to overtake me. 

On the one side was the churning torrent of "messy house"  (you know, the one that can reach flood stage within minutes?) Where it feels like the messes just suck the peace and calm out of my life. Apparently it didn't matter, because my sink still has dishes from breakfast sitting in it...and it is currently 8 o'clock at night.

On the other side, I had a tide of emotions so strong it felt like battling a tsunami. 

(Which would be no big deal if I could look at the calendar and say "Oh! I know why everyone is suddenly feeling like sobbing and whining and yelling and being nasty! But since I am pregnant....and my beans are 5 and under...monthly cycles don't really play into the picture at the moment.) 

I'm sure to the callused outsider, a messy house, a no-checked to-do list, and 3 children sitting all around your lap sobbing; can't possibly look like the end of the world. But it sure feels like it.  I know I need to keep my perspective in check and remember the gift of each day and the lessons to be had from every experience...but sometimes, I really just don't want to learn whatever the lesson is.

I really like my days that are not full of correcting someone every 5 minutes. Or cleaning up spill. After spill. After spill. I like the times where my children actually have ears that can  I selfishly love when they are happy with their lives and not registering My Love's absence.

But tonight was a night for emotion. Be it amazing amounts of waterworks over who-knows-what at the playground...yelling about EVERYTHING...or seeing if whining would work as a power play...they tried every play in the book.

I would love to say I kept my cool and remained calm throughout it all. That I just battened the hatches and dealt with the storm. However, (since this blog is supposed to be full of the painful truth....) I can't say that. I did something I hate. I yelled at my sweet beans.  I got frustrated and annoyed. I was over it.


Until I had finished giving all 3 beans their baths....applied their lotion....decked them out in their jams...and then String Bean looked up at me with water-filled eyes and choked out, "I miss Daddy."

At that moment I realized how horribly out of focus my day had been. There were 3 hurting people in my care - all day - and I had not even attempted find out what was going on their hearts.

String Bean then crawled into my lap and cried. 

She cried because she misses the different speeds Daddy can run...Because "Mommy, you are pregnant....and kinda slow." She misses his hugs and his kisses. She misses just having him around to do everything he always does. 

Then Jumping Bean came over and leaned on my shoulder and said, "Okay. I think Daddy can come home now."

After we all let our rivers of tears amazing thing happened. The tide turned. And the day that I could-not-wait-to-be-done-with suddenly was no longer horrible. The crashing waves of emotion and wrong perspective, gave way to a calm, peaceful time of togetherness and bonding.  

So, while this particular mommy is definitely exhausted and worn out from the day...I'd do it all over again. Because sometimes you need the waves to wash away the yucky and show the beauty that is always under the surface.

Copyright 2010

1 comment:

  1. OH sweet Whitney! What a day you've had. I'm so glad you found your rainbow even if the end of it will be in a few months rather than this evening. BUT there is RAINBOW not a horrble mess!! and the end IS coming!! :o) I love you and am so thankful you share your heart with all of us. I needed this tonight dear friend. Some days I feel I was bored. I did my regular duties and played a stupid computer game and Makayla was content playing a way. Maybe I should appreciate these days. After all you had the bad day (even though the end result was good)and my other friend had an exciting day...last week was so busy and full of life. I guess I needed today. But I am so thankful I AM A MOM!!! I Wouldn't have it any other way.
    Sorry for the ramble. I need to view life better. You know? Then I wouldn't be bored. I heard once that bordum is an attitude. So where I may have not have made the most out of today I will tomorrow.


Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement!