Monday, September 20, 2010

Pregnancy perks.....part 1

Since I have quite a few friends who have recently mentioned a loudly ticking biological clock and then jealously looked at my mammoth belly....I thought I would go ahead and list some of the advantages of being pregnant. :)

1. When you are pregnant you get the distinct pleasure of seeing more bathrooms than you ever thought possible. You are suddenly given a gift called "bathroom radar" so that when you enter a new building, within a few moments you know your strategy for most efficiently locating a commode. (Early in pregnancy you need the bathroom so you can throw up; later on it is so you can use it every five minutes and figure out EXACTLY how many tiles it took to do the floor.)

2. When you are pregnant you are blessed with moments to exercise that you had never envisioned before. Like attempting to shave your legs in the shower. I try to do about 10 minutes of stretching before I shower so I can get in the yoga poses required to shave my legs without injuring myself. (If you would like to attempt this amazing act of balance and flexibility - please strap a 25lb medicine ball to your abdomen, have someone punch your hips and lower back so they are bruised, and then take a sip of something to make you a tad dizzy. It really is quite fun!)

3. When you are pregnant (especially at the end where your stomach gets in the way of opening the refrigerator door) you suddenly discover that the personal-space-bubble no longer applies to you. Your stomach is now public property - both to comment on and touch. Indeed, complete strangers will feel a vital need to touch your belly and then tell you the gender of your baby. They typically follow up with some brilliantly tactful comment regarding how "huge," "massive," or "ready to pop," you are. For the record - I don't comment on a non-pregnant woman's abdominal cavity size (unless it is Heidi Klum), they should NOT be commenting on mine.

4. When you are pregnant you get to be a bit of an that you have so many hormones raging through your body you can cry, scream, laugh, and pout, within a matter of moments. When people look at you like you are crazy for crying over your taco, you can just tenderly pat your belly and they kindly leave you alone. (Yes, that has happened to me. Yes it WAS over a taco. No, I do NOT intend to have that scene again.)

5. When you are pregnant you get to have insane dreams that prey on the above mentioned hormones. I have dreamed I lost Bitty Bean in a store and totally didn't care. I dreamed I sat on her. In my dreams she has been kidnapped, rolled away in her stroller, left in the car, diagnosed with a terminal illness. Some would say I am insane that I would even think such to the other women you know who have been pregnant. Psychotic fears of motherhood seem to be a trend.

6. When you are pregnant you get to have OTHER insane dreams....from my 3 pregnancies I have dreamed I delivered a monkey, a dog, a litter of cats, a rat, and a Hershey's chocolate bar. *** With this 4th pregnancy I dreamed I delivered Boy Bean and he was a werewolf who started to chase me as soon as the cord was there I was running through the streets of the city being chased by a gigantic werewolf...with an umbilical cord hanging down my leg. Beautiful.

7. When you are pregnant you should really get a dog. Or borrow a dog. Or always keep a small-not-yet-speaking child blame your gas on. Apparently not everybody gets serious gastro-intestinal issues when they are pregnant....unfortunately, I am not like everybody.

8. When you are nearing the end (unless you are like me and get as big as a house by 5 months), you determine your entire outfit based on whether you can fit your swollen feet into your shoes. OR if you can actually get them on....I have to resort to slip on shoes by the end because there is no way I could possibly tie, zip, or clasp anything on my lower extremities; I haven't seen them in months! 

9. When you are at the tail end of your pregnancy you get to be prepared for having a new born by waking up to go to the bathroom (at least) 6 times a night. Yes- I know this began and ended on the subject of the commode.....but that is what being pregnant is all about! :)

One more thing.....

9. When you are pregnant you get the opportunity to pass your own brand of weird and strange on to the next generation. If THAT isn't a perk, I don't know what is! :)

***This was originally posted May 21, 2009 on my Facebook page...but I felt it was worth repeating!***
Boy Bean in the pod at almost 23 weeks

Copyright 2010

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