Self-inventory

So when I was younger...ie -before children....which right now feels like it was a life lived by somebody else....anyway. When I was younger I always thought I would be a "Thoroughly Modern Millie." 

I wanted a career and independence!

Bring on the epidural for whenever I did end up having kids...

which was going to be LOOONG after I graduated with at least one post-graduate degree and definitely after 30.

Who are those crazy people who would opt against drugs???

I definitely wouldn't breastfeed...I mean, it is inconvenient, and nursing mama's are weird. 

Apparently, when I was younger, I was not a very good soul-searcher. If "knowing thyself" had been a test - I would have failed. Epically. 

Because here I am - a mama of almost 4 without even a bachelor's degree. At 28. My career is motherhood (Great benefits, no pay, and always on call). I have never had an epidural....in the past it was mainly due to my ridiculous fear of needles. Instead, I've had the horrific treat of Pitocin 3 times - and Nubain as my pain management for the last hour.  I know - intimately - the excessive pain pitocin makes labor...which is why I am excited - literally, it makes me giddy with anticipation!! - to experience my first fully natural childbirth with Boy Bean. Let me repeat myself - I am looking forward to labor and delivery. It is the most amazing, miraculous, and beautiful thing I have been able to experience.

I never would have thought those sentences would be written by me just a few short years ago!

And then nursing. Ah, nursing. I've become one of "those" women. *Gasp* And I LOVE IT. Yep. Breastfeeding is challenging hard work...but I am so thankful I persevered and was finally successful with Bitty Bean!

As I look back on my 3 previous birth experiences and my struggles with nursing my first 2 beans...I am filled with regret. And anger. And frustration. Because I bought everything sold at "Modern Millie's" store regarding labor and deliver and nursing - and it was wrong. 

Having children and rearing them is not a secondary line of work - it is a primary life calling. Labor and Delivery is not something that happens to you...or that you have to get through....it can be something that changes you and grows you and initiates your understanding of the lack of control you truly have over another individual. Nursing can be inconvenient at times....but now that I am seeing a pediatric gastroenterologist to help resolve problems that have arisen for String Bean - caused by the formula she was placed on as an infant...I can assure you breastfeeding is NOT inconvenient. When I look at String Bean and Jumping Bean and realize the moments I squandered because I resented being attached to them...I only feel regret. (I only breastfed String Bean for one month, and Jumping Bean for 2) Thankfully I started educating myself - finally! - regarding nursing while I was pregnant with Bitty Bean...and wanted to know more than just to follow the crowd during this pregnancy with Boy Bean. I was able to breastfeed Bitty Bean until she weaned herself at 1 year...and am eagerly anticipating a water birth with Boy Bean. :) 

So, while I am sure I will say the words "I will NEVER...." again....it is with full knowledge that I probably will. And when that day comes I'll at least have something to post about!

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