Cocoa Bean Moments...

You know the moments the chocolate companies try to portray? The ones where the woman can just quietly sit and eat her chocolate and encounter peace, tranquility, and complete ignorance that the calories will be immediately attaching to her butt, hips, and thighs? Well, I have moments like that too!

Except they typically don't involve chocolate. Or peace. Or even tranquility. And my body aches so much with this pregnancy I'm never far from realizing the presence of my hips.

Okay. So MY moments are nothing like the commercials. But they do have a similar feeling for me!

This morning Jumping Bean and I were walking along together and she stopped all of a sudden, turned her face up to me and said, "Mommy. You are my favorite! I love you so very very much."

I was pretty much moved to tears. Until she finished her sentence...

"Because don't you wanna go to McMcDonalds and get french fries for me??"

That kid is learning the ways of the world early...

Copyright 2010

Re-organizing randomness...

So, I am in total psychotic-cleaning-rearranging-de-cluttering mode. Don't know if it is because I'm pregnant and in the "Nesting" phase....or if it is just I'm so used to moving, I can't keep a room the same for very long. We've now lived in this house for 9 whole months!

That is longer than we lived in 4 of our houses....and less than we lived in 3.  Yep, this is our 8th house in 6  7 years!

Which means every 6 months (or so) I get this irrational urge to change up a room...or rooms....or closet....or anything.

Except the car. I NEVER get the urge to clean the car. 

Or the bathrooms. I mean, I clean them, but I don't like having to do it. At all.

For me, going through closets, drawers, toys, cubbies...and throwing away, giving away, or re-organizing it.....brings a smile to my face.  Really. I don't have a million organizer thingys...but my shoe boxes are all put to very good use!

My super-fancy-label-maker is a roll of masking tape and a permanent marker.

I am almost done with the new configuration of the 2 rooms that have been keeping me up at night...the play/guest room, and the "big girl" room.  (All 3 girls will soon - very soon - be sharing a room.) Soon, I will post "before and after" pictures....in theory. Maybe not that soon. But definitely before the end of October!

Yesterday, as I was heave-hoeing some furniture from the girl bean's room to the play/guest room...I just started laughing.

Before I go on - I wasn't doing any heavy lifting....just a lot of pushing and pulling...but I squatted low - so it was with my legs...not my back. So My Love - don't worry, I'm not trying to throw myself into labor.

My oh-so-helpful-helpers were  
String Bean....she was breathing heavy and pushing with all her might....
and
Jumping Bean...who just stood nearby and gave directions on what to do...as loud as they could possibly be yelled...
and
Bitty Bean...who kept climbing on and off and in and out of the furniture....basically trying to figure out the most-in-the-way-location to plant her bum.

What else is a hormonal, sleep deprived, hungry, pregnant Mama gonna do?! CRY!?!?! Ha.  

So I just sat down on the floor and laughed. Until I cried. And the beans joined in. They just climbed all over and laughed and laughed....and then Jumping Bean wanted Boy Bean in on the action - so she lifted up my shirt and yelled at my getting-larger-by-the-minute-belly, "HEY! Baby! This is FUNNY!! You need to LAUGH WITH US!!!!"   Then she put her ear to my stomach...and waited. 

And I just laughed. What a wonderful day it was.

Copyright 2010

Sunny Side Up...

It seems I have given off the mistaken impression that I have it all together.  I can assure you, I do not. There are two key reasons why I try to see the good and/or the funny in every situation...and I thought now would be as good a time as any to divulge them.

 Be prepared. I am about to get honest. Exceptionally-completely-ugly-honest.

The first reason is this: In James 1:2, 17, it states: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds...[for] every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.[NIV]" I believe there is a reason - or a purpose, behind every poop explosion, every middle-of-the-night-wake-up, every day where I'm brought to the end of myself. I may not understand the purpose specifically - but I know there is one. Many days that is all I need to keep the laundry, dishes, correcting, teaching, cleaning, and cooking, going. (Unfortunately, patience is NOT on that list!)

My second reason for seeking the "silver lining" is much more personal. 

I have had some very dark days. Days where I felt I couldn't even open my eyes to see the cloud...let alone the silver lining. Those days were the months following the birth of Jumping Bean. Many people try to dismiss post-partum depression.... They will say - Oh! It is just in your head. Get over it. What is your problem? Just get out of bed and DO something.  I am ashamed to say I was once one of those people. Someone who just thought people were being lazy or attention hunting. Someone who would NEVER feel what those people claimed to feel.

Then we moved - to our 4th state - in 4 years - in my 3rd trimester with Jumping Bean. And she was born...this perfect little pink mass of screaming skin. She yelled and screamed and cried and writhed for almost 4 months. For 16 hours a day. And I knew very few people. I was caring for String Bean...they are 25 months apart...My Love was working....and I was sinking.

I didn't want to get out of bed. I resented my beans. Especially my Jumping Bean. I cried...constantly. I was overwhelmed and disconnected and scared of what was happening to me. I remember turning a movie on for String Bean, putting a screaming Jumping Bean in her crib, going into the bathroom, turning on the fan, climbing in the shower - in my clothes - and sobbing...because that was the only place I could go where I couldn't hear her screaming.

It was like being at a pool party and drowning...everyone around you can see you...but you can't cry out for help because all your energy is focused on surviving.

My Love knew something was wrong...terribly wrong...but he didn't know how to help. Finally, he started leaving me with a "to-do list" for each day. The first few days, the only thing on the list was "take a shower."  Slowly, steadily, he was able to draw me back to the home...to the family...to life. But it wasn't easy. It wasn't quick. It wasn't fun.

We contemplated medication...counseling...therapy...daycare...vacations....which definitely can help! But we chose (together) to try a different route before we sought other help.  For 2 months I was not myself. Oh, I could turn "me" on and fake it for an hour or two around other people. I could come up with positive things to say to our families when they called to check on us. But the real me was aching. And I needed help to heal. Thankfully, between the power of prayer and a loving husband...God was able to draw me to where I am now.  

I'm sure some would say what I've described above were not "dark days." To be honest, compared with many people's lives, they weren't. But for me - for my life - I was on the edge. I was on the edge of a place I never want to go to again. 

There is funny and happy all around....even then it was there....sometimes it is just much harder to see. My life is not perfect...together...or pain-free...but it is wonderful. Because there is a sunny side.

Copyright 2010

Holding Back the Tide...

There are days that feel wonderful - calm, peaceful, successful - days where not only the "list" gets everything checked off...but even a few extras are accomplished.  Those days where I am a calm, sweet-spirited mommy.  Those days where my children are perfect and kind and helpful.

Today was not one of those days.

Today was a day spent feeling like an isthmus between two raging oceans threatening to overtake me. 

On the one side was the churning torrent of "messy house"  (you know, the one that can reach flood stage within minutes?) Where it feels like the messes just suck the peace and calm out of my life. Apparently it didn't matter, because my sink still has dishes from breakfast sitting in it...and it is currently 8 o'clock at night.

On the other side, I had a tide of emotions so strong it felt like battling a tsunami. 

(Which would be no big deal if I could look at the calendar and say "Oh! I know why everyone is suddenly feeling like sobbing and whining and yelling and being nasty! But since I am pregnant....and my beans are 5 and under...monthly cycles don't really play into the picture at the moment.) 

I'm sure to the callused outsider, a messy house, a no-checked to-do list, and 3 children sitting all around your lap sobbing; can't possibly look like the end of the world. But it sure feels like it.  I know I need to keep my perspective in check and remember the gift of each day and the lessons to be had from every experience...but sometimes, I really just don't want to learn whatever the lesson is.

I really like my days that are not full of correcting someone every 5 minutes. Or cleaning up spill. After spill. After spill. I like the times where my children actually have ears that can hear...me.  I selfishly love when they are happy with their lives and not registering My Love's absence.

But tonight was a night for emotion. Be it amazing amounts of waterworks over who-knows-what at the playground...yelling about EVERYTHING...or seeing if whining would work as a power play...they tried every play in the book.

I would love to say I kept my cool and remained calm throughout it all. That I just battened the hatches and dealt with the storm. However, (since this blog is supposed to be full of the painful truth....) I can't say that. I did something I hate. I yelled at my sweet beans.  I got frustrated and annoyed. I was over it.

Until.

Until I had finished giving all 3 beans their baths....applied their lotion....decked them out in their jams...and then String Bean looked up at me with water-filled eyes and choked out, "I miss Daddy."

At that moment I realized how horribly out of focus my day had been. There were 3 hurting people in my care - all day - and I had not even attempted find out what was going on their hearts.

String Bean then crawled into my lap and cried. 

She cried because she misses the different speeds Daddy can run...Because "Mommy, you are pregnant....and kinda slow." She misses his hugs and his kisses. She misses just having him around to do everything he always does. 

Then Jumping Bean came over and leaned on my shoulder and said, "Okay. I think Daddy can come home now."

After we all let our rivers of tears flow...an amazing thing happened. The tide turned. And the day that I could-not-wait-to-be-done-with suddenly was no longer horrible. The crashing waves of emotion and wrong perspective, gave way to a calm, peaceful time of togetherness and bonding.  

So, while this particular mommy is definitely exhausted and worn out from the day...I'd do it all over again. Because sometimes you need the waves to wash away the yucky and show the beauty that is always under the surface.

Copyright 2010

Pregnancy perks.....part 1

Since I have quite a few friends who have recently mentioned a loudly ticking biological clock and then jealously looked at my mammoth belly....I thought I would go ahead and list some of the advantages of being pregnant. :)

1. When you are pregnant you get the distinct pleasure of seeing more bathrooms than you ever thought possible. You are suddenly given a gift called "bathroom radar" so that when you enter a new building, within a few moments you know your strategy for most efficiently locating a commode. (Early in pregnancy you need the bathroom so you can throw up; later on it is so you can use it every five minutes and figure out EXACTLY how many tiles it took to do the floor.)

2. When you are pregnant you are blessed with moments to exercise that you had never envisioned before. Like attempting to shave your legs in the shower. I try to do about 10 minutes of stretching before I shower so I can get in the yoga poses required to shave my legs without injuring myself. (If you would like to attempt this amazing act of balance and flexibility - please strap a 25lb medicine ball to your abdomen, have someone punch your hips and lower back so they are bruised, and then take a sip of something to make you a tad dizzy. It really is quite fun!)

3. When you are pregnant (especially at the end where your stomach gets in the way of opening the refrigerator door) you suddenly discover that the personal-space-bubble no longer applies to you. Your stomach is now public property - both to comment on and touch. Indeed, complete strangers will feel a vital need to touch your belly and then tell you the gender of your baby. They typically follow up with some brilliantly tactful comment regarding how "huge," "massive," or "ready to pop," you are. For the record - I don't comment on a non-pregnant woman's abdominal cavity size (unless it is Heidi Klum), they should NOT be commenting on mine.

4. When you are pregnant you get to be a bit of an actress.....in that you have so many hormones raging through your body you can cry, scream, laugh, and pout, within a matter of moments. When people look at you like you are crazy for crying over your taco, you can just tenderly pat your belly and they kindly leave you alone. (Yes, that has happened to me. Yes it WAS over a taco. No, I do NOT intend to have that scene again.)

5. When you are pregnant you get to have insane dreams that prey on the above mentioned hormones. I have dreamed I lost Bitty Bean in a store and totally didn't care. I dreamed I sat on her. In my dreams she has been kidnapped, rolled away in her stroller, left in the car, diagnosed with a terminal illness. Some would say I am insane that I would even think such things....talk to the other women you know who have been pregnant. Psychotic fears of motherhood seem to be a trend.

6. When you are pregnant you get to have OTHER insane dreams....from my 3 pregnancies I have dreamed I delivered a monkey, a dog, a litter of cats, a rat, and a Hershey's chocolate bar. *** With this 4th pregnancy I dreamed I delivered Boy Bean and he was a werewolf who started to chase me as soon as the cord was cut...so there I was running through the streets of the city being chased by a gigantic werewolf...with an umbilical cord hanging down my leg. Beautiful.


7. When you are pregnant you should really get a dog. Or borrow a dog. Or always keep a small-not-yet-speaking child nearby....to blame your gas on. Apparently not everybody gets serious gastro-intestinal issues when they are pregnant....unfortunately, I am not like everybody.

8. When you are nearing the end (unless you are like me and get as big as a house by 5 months), you determine your entire outfit based on whether you can fit your swollen feet into your shoes. OR if you can actually get them on....I have to resort to slip on shoes by the end because there is no way I could possibly tie, zip, or clasp anything on my lower extremities; I haven't seen them in months! 

9. When you are at the tail end of your pregnancy you get to be prepared for having a new born by waking up to go to the bathroom (at least) 6 times a night. Yes- I know this began and ended on the subject of the commode.....but that is what being pregnant is all about! :)

One more thing.....

9. When you are pregnant you get the opportunity to pass your own brand of weird and strange on to the next generation. If THAT isn't a perk, I don't know what is! :)

***This was originally posted May 21, 2009 on my Facebook page...but I felt it was worth repeating!***

Boy Bean in the pod at almost 23 weeks

Copyright 2010

The Joy and Pain of Motherhood...part 2

So here's the deal. I think it is high time for a funny/lighthearted post. Here is my current attempt...

Recently, (at a friend's wedding) I was slapped in the face by one of those totally-awesome-I-must-rock-at-being-a-mom moments. (Yep, I said it. Because it is true.)

My String Bean and Jumping Bean were flower girls...I was a bridesmaid....and I was nervous as all get out that my children would behave horribly. You know, behave in a way that could win us a million dollars or something on America's Funniest Videos for their fits in the aisle...or the dress being drawn over one of their heads while standing at the front (they wore white underwear - not princess panties - specifically to ward off that behavior)....or picking their nose and wiping it on their sister's dress. But - and it is hard to say this - as much as a million dollars would be nice...I think our family honor, reputation, and friendship with the bride and groom is a bit high of a price to pay.

None of that really has anything to do with the point. It is basically just to show you that I, in fact, would need 2 million to make it worth it. 

Anyway, as my beans and I were sitting on the front row during the ceremony - String Bean to my right, Jumping Bean on my lap - I was crying.

Before you judge me - remember I had just said goodbye to My Love, hadn't slept in 3 days, was watching two dear friends declare their love for one another....and I am pregnant. (None of that really is a recipe for stoicism.) 

In my Bean's defense - Mommy randomly crying is really not news. They are quite used to it. It doesn't scare them or unnerve them; they just pat my arm, or hand, and give me a tissue.

I am really rambling.

Thankfully, they not only walked down the aisle perfectly...they stood at the front like angels! No picking of noses, no fidgeting, no freaking out. It was amazing. I knew at that moment I had arrived. I had this mom-thing down.

(Side bar - during the majority of the ceremony, the bridal party sat down in the 2nd row.)

All of a sudden during the vows - Jumping Bean turned around in my lap, cupped my face with her hands, and said "Mommy, I love you."  Then she kissed me. Highly abnormal behavior for her...utter treat for me.

Didn't really help with me getting control of myself.

Just moments after that exchange, String Bean looked up at my face with glistening eyes and whispered, "Mommy, I'm not sad...my heart is just so happy it squeezed tears out! Can I have a tissue?"  Of course, I had plenty to spare.

So, while there are moments that the pain of motherhood - the sleepless nights, the worry, the expense, the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual battering - feels overwhelming and all consuming; they are (thankfully) not all you get.

There are moments of extreme joy and comfort and happiness....

Where your heart is just so happy it squeezes tears out. 

And that is the beautiful dichotomous gift that is motherhood.

Copyright 2010

My Only Love

So, you know the old saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder?"  Well, I've been contemplating that lately. Deployment can bring out my pensive side....but don't worry, this post shouldn't make you cry!

What is it about being apart that makes you like each other more?  Is it that you realize all the good and marvelous things you love about that person and are able to forget the not-so-great?  Yep. I think so.

For some reason (and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this!) I can have trouble flipping the "mom" switch off, and the "wife" switch on. I'm not talking about just the what's-his-head-on-the-radio singing "Lets get it on" - I'm talking about just remembering to speak to my husband in a loving way that isn't child-related.  (I.e. - FLIRT)

Really, how hard is it to flirt with the Love of your life? Apparently for me, super hard. When My Love is home, it is so very easy for me to rely on his extra set of hands (or eyes), his energy in exhausting the beans, his willingness to help....only.

Instead of dropping whatever it is I am doing and welcoming him home after work (which Bitty Bean does with gusto!), I continue on in my task, or look at the clock wondering why he is so much later than anticipated.

There are about a million songs out there about a husband/man staying true to his wife/woman, but how many are there going the other way? How many times does the man I promised to honor, respect, and love for the rest of my life, get relegated to second (or third, or fourth) place - especially once kids came along? 

Granted, in the daily craziness of puke, poop, laundry, dishes, snot, drool, crying, whining, spills, messes, questions, questions, and pee everywhere.....it is VERY hard to forget who I once was. But once upon a time, (not THAT long ago!) I was a woman who desperately just wanted to be near the man that is now my husband.  I wanted to just know....everything....about him. He was truly my prince.  And I was his princess. He hasn't changed....neither have I....we've just forgotten who we were.

As Edna Mode says in "The Incredibles" to Elasti-girl (after she queries "What will I do?" regarding Mr. Incredible not being where he said he would be.)

"Pull-yourself-together! "What will you do?" Is this a question? You will show him you remember that he is Mr. Incredible, and you will remind him who *you* are. Well, you know where he is. Go, confront the problem. Fight! Win!" 

There is a gift in these separations...at least for us.  It is a time to pause and remember exactly what it was we initially adored about each other.  That lightening strike that we couldn't avoid.  Wouldn't want to avoid if given the choice!  So, who am I?  Well, that I am trying to remember.....


Sometimes it is exceptionally hard to "get the flirt on" when he walks through the door 30 minutes late,  and 3 children are crying, the pot of water is boiling over, the laundry needs to be changed, my hair is all crazy, I haven't showered yet...or even brushed my teeth, and the last time I slept through the night was about 5 years ago.

But if I can flirt with him half a world away....shouldn't I be able to do it when he is sitting next to me on the couch???  Well, when he gets home again - I am gonna try!

(At least I have a couple of months to remember how to flirt....Doesn't it have something to do with batting your eyes, or doing something with your hips? Maybe it is a hair-flip thing. Or the "Bend and Snap" from Legally Blonde. Oh, I don't know...maybe I can't remember how because I'm so bad at it! )

Copyright 2010