I'm not saying the goodbye was cake and that it didn't hurt. It did. I'm not saying that tears have disappeared from the house. I'm just saying that we are all doing really, really, well on the home front.
At this moment....it can flip all crazy in a split second.Well, it has.
The truth is - I AM tired.
But not from a lack of sleep.
I'm tired of battling every. little. thing. out with a particular 2 year-old man-child.
Today, as he started his 10th fit of screaming, snotting, and writhing on the ground (In public)...something in me just broke.
I'm tired of complete strangers offering their opinion of what is wrong with Boy when he is throwing a fit.
I'm tired of outlasting the fits.
I'm tired of constantly questioning if I'm doing the right thing, making the right decision, handling it correctly.
So, when I was wrestling his stiff-as-a-board body into his car seat....accompanied by his guttural screams where he attempts to lose his voice....I was able to hold it together. I stayed calm. I miraculously got him buckled. Then I calmly went around and buckled Bitty Bean.
But, after closing the door of the Swagger Wagon?
I just stood there in the empty school parking lot and cried.
I climbed into the driver's seat with 3 of my sweet children buckled in behind me, and cried. The ugly cry. The 'I'm overwhelmed and just would like him to obey happily and quickly because I'm tired of fighting him' cry.
I know people will say - ask for help. But the kicker is I can't ask for help in this one. He's not having power struggles with all of humanity. He's not fighting and kicking the entire world.
It is just with me.
And I can't outsource these battles.
These are battles only I can fight. Because they are battles only I must win.
We've been battling everything out for weeks now...but today took it to a new level. We normally only have one fit a day - and that is anywhere from 15-45 minutes. (Although one day it was an hour and 15) But today? Today we had one GOOD hour. Of the entire day. And that is obscenely exhausting.
It will be worth it in the end. I'm sure of it.
I just had no idea "strong-willed child" came with a turbo feature.
I must go -
my reservation for "Crazy mama, table for 1" is ready.
(and if you think about it...please pray for my endurance.)