It's time....

So, I knew this day was coming.

Every beginning has an end.

But, even though I was eagerly anticipating the end....I was also anxiously awaiting the final moment.

That moment when your life changes forever is sometimes loud and obvious 

(Like a move, or a death, or a huge decision)

...and sometimes it is quiet and barely noticeable 

(Like walking by a guy in an country line dance club, or a surprise plus sign, or 

landing on a church via the internet because it starts with "A")

She is NOT covered in blood - it is the Christmas Oreo filling.

I would have never thought 3 years and 2 months ago (October, 2008), a phase was beginning and would last until now. I didn't think I was starting a bootcamp phase of change.

But it did.  And I was.

What happened way back then? What is ending now?

Pregnancy and Breastfeeding.

Yes, I was pregnant with String Bean in 2005, and Jumping bean in 2007; but I breastfed them for one month and two months (Respectively), so I had breaks in between of not sustaining life.

When I found out I was pregnant with Bitty Bean....on October 31st, 2008....just before I went out with friends as Sarah Palin....it started a 38-month-long period of pregnancy/breastfeeding/breastfeeding pregnant/pregnancy/breastfeeding.

And it just ended. 

December 6th was not a remarkable day; except that was the day Boy Bean didn't nurse.  And hasn't nursed since then. It was so unremarkable - so quiet of an exit - I almost didn't notice. It has taken me a week to just have time to process the final end of this phase.

This place where I was physically made aware of my selfishness and my challenge at putting others before myself.

I never thought I would breastfeed for a whole year (Add that to the list!) - but I am so glad I did. Now, as I'm packing up my nursing cover, nursing tanks, and breast pads, it seems almost surreal.

My little beans are growing up.

Maybe, just maybe, so am I.

~Whitney
Ps. Extended thoughts on breastfeeding/personal anecdotes may just need to find an outlet on this blog.

Copyright 2011

Workin' It Out...

Soooo, you know how I ran that 1/2 marathon over Labor Day weekend?

(2 whole months ago.)

And you know how I've stated loud and clear that I love to run?

And thoroughly enjoy working out?

How I even miss it during late pregnancy and post-partum?

Well, ummmmmm.....that makes this kinda awkward.

I haven't worked out. Or run. AT ALL. Since my race.  ZERO. 

(Yeah, that was 2 whole months ago.)

And you know what? I'm okay with that.  I will get back to working out - but right now, I'm going through my expectations on myself and carefully examining them to see what is REALLY important.

Notice a lack of bloggage lately?? Yeah, well, that was on the chopping block also.

I just don't see the need to beat myself up over stuff not getting done that doesn't have to get done in the first place! 

So, I've relieved myself of the requirements of working out, blogging, and just basically working every second I'm awake. And you know what? It is totally AWESOME! Who says I need to do all the stuff I think I need to do?

I mean, really, will the world stop turning if I go to bed without wiping my counters down? 

I will be honest (that's what I do!) I have still not lost all my pregnancy weight. 

And I am sleeping just fine at night. 

Who cares if I don't look like a movie star? 

Or don't have the same body I had at 20? 

Why do I think I should look the same?! 

This body has carried and birthed 4 human beings - 4 people!!! - and has sustained life consecutively since October of 2008.
(Can you say 'Identity crisis' for whenever Boy Bean finishes nursing?! But more on that another day)

Working out and blogging will pick back up again sometime...

hopefully soon....but until then I'm giving myself a break.  

(But not with a kit-kat cuz those are gross)

Copyright 2011

Time for my Tent!

Okay, I'm just gonna say up front - very clearly - there will be NO  pictures accompanying this post. 

ON PURPOSE. No one wants to see documentation of what I am about to discuss....or at least no one SHOULD want to see documentation!

I am officially at a phase of pregnancy I strongly dislike. Not because my stomach is so large I have to completely wake up in the middle of the night if I want to roll over. Not because I get winded by putting socks on. Not even because I can't fit in a booth anywhere. And definitely NOT because of the constant movement my Boy Bean generates.

It feels like I am housing Ty Pennington! Seriously - I think the Boy is renovating my insides to make it more man-appropriate.

Nope.

Not a single one of those things do I consider the most annoying/frustrating facet of late-pregnancy.

It is the underwear. 

Now, I am almost a mother of four....I'm not really one for itsy-bitsy-floss-undergarments. (Not going into detail on what I am though!)  But these things that I am stuck wearing now.....these pieces of fabric that seem to unfurl from my underwear drawer. . . they are just ridiculous! Seriously.

If we ever had a fire, I am certain my Beans could parachute from the second floor - safely - by using my maternity underwear as parachutes. 

Kinda puts a damper on somehow keeping the spark.....when you put such a large item on.....and then you can't see any of it.  Not a bit.

So, to all of you ladies out there who can actually twist to see your derriere, or can actually look down to get a visual on the location of your waistband....I am jealous. I look forward to rejoining your ranks soon. Until then.....I need to go make sure the washing machine is balanced for my delicates load.  

Copyright 2010

Confession time again....

So, if confession is good for the soul - I'm about to get a workout!

I have a confession. It is embarrassing to say what I'm about to say...but in the spirit of being an honest blogger I must tell on myself.

Recently I went to a cookie exchange for the squadron wives Christmas party...and lied. Through my teeth.

You see, we were supposed to bake two dozen cookies to bring and share. I thought it was a wonderful idea when I heard of it back in November! I bought all the ingredients and had grandiose plans of making lovely and delicious cookies from my own kitchen.

It didn't happen.

I could excuse myself by saying my back went out and I couldn't move and I have 3 young children and I'm pregnant and my husband is gone and I was sick for 2 weeks so my entire life was behind about a month....but I won't say any of THAT.

What DID happen was this - I left early for the party and brought my empty Christmas plate and my roll of Glad cling wrap with me in my car. I went into a civilian grocery store (a place where I am always lost and feel awkward) and purchased 2 boxes of bakery fresh cookies. When I got back to my car - thank goodness for the large center console in my Suburban! - I loaded them on my plate and wrapped 'em up. For the record - I DO have a recipe similar to the kind of cookies I bought!  Then I entered the party and acted like the cookies were my own.

And you know what?

I slept great that night. Zero guilty conscience. :)

This is why I try to get to all the sign-up sheets first. I know the only items I actually will bring to anything right now must be pre-made, or juice boxes!

I also had lofty ideas of the delicious goody bags I was going to fill with fantastic treats for those special people who have impacted my life deeply this year...and I was mildly hyperventilating in the store just thinking about it. So, I let myself off the hook.

I could excuse myself by saying my back went out and I couldn't move and I have 3 young children and I'm pregnant and my husband is gone and I was sick for 2 weeks so my entire life was behind about a month....but, again, I won't say any of THAT.

Sorry to you people that were on my list....maybe I'll get something to you as a "happy summer" gift!

No extra goody bags. And I don't feel guilty! I feel complete relief. 

Final thing...I promise. I had some cleaning that I wanted to accomplish before My Love's return...that I just couldn't figure out HOW to DO. Like scrubbing my deep soaker tub - tell me, how are you supposed to clean that with this massive moving abdomen I've got going on???? Or cleaning my fans. So, I did one of the best-gifts-to-myself I've ever done....I paid 2 wonderful teenagers to do it!

And my list is getting accomplished.

By other people or the items are being removed as unnecessary...but, the list is getting shorter either way!

Copyright 2010

Self-inventory

So when I was younger...ie -before children....which right now feels like it was a life lived by somebody else....anyway. When I was younger I always thought I would be a "Thoroughly Modern Millie." 

I wanted a career and independence!

Bring on the epidural for whenever I did end up having kids...

which was going to be LOOONG after I graduated with at least one post-graduate degree and definitely after 30.

Who are those crazy people who would opt against drugs???

I definitely wouldn't breastfeed...I mean, it is inconvenient, and nursing mama's are weird. 

Apparently, when I was younger, I was not a very good soul-searcher. If "knowing thyself" had been a test - I would have failed. Epically. 

Because here I am - a mama of almost 4 without even a bachelor's degree. At 28. My career is motherhood (Great benefits, no pay, and always on call). I have never had an epidural....in the past it was mainly due to my ridiculous fear of needles. Instead, I've had the horrific treat of Pitocin 3 times - and Nubain as my pain management for the last hour.  I know - intimately - the excessive pain pitocin makes labor...which is why I am excited - literally, it makes me giddy with anticipation!! - to experience my first fully natural childbirth with Boy Bean. Let me repeat myself - I am looking forward to labor and delivery. It is the most amazing, miraculous, and beautiful thing I have been able to experience.

I never would have thought those sentences would be written by me just a few short years ago!

And then nursing. Ah, nursing. I've become one of "those" women. *Gasp* And I LOVE IT. Yep. Breastfeeding is challenging hard work...but I am so thankful I persevered and was finally successful with Bitty Bean!

As I look back on my 3 previous birth experiences and my struggles with nursing my first 2 beans...I am filled with regret. And anger. And frustration. Because I bought everything sold at "Modern Millie's" store regarding labor and deliver and nursing - and it was wrong. 

Having children and rearing them is not a secondary line of work - it is a primary life calling. Labor and Delivery is not something that happens to you...or that you have to get through....it can be something that changes you and grows you and initiates your understanding of the lack of control you truly have over another individual. Nursing can be inconvenient at times....but now that I am seeing a pediatric gastroenterologist to help resolve problems that have arisen for String Bean - caused by the formula she was placed on as an infant...I can assure you breastfeeding is NOT inconvenient. When I look at String Bean and Jumping Bean and realize the moments I squandered because I resented being attached to them...I only feel regret. (I only breastfed String Bean for one month, and Jumping Bean for 2) Thankfully I started educating myself - finally! - regarding nursing while I was pregnant with Bitty Bean...and wanted to know more than just to follow the crowd during this pregnancy with Boy Bean. I was able to breastfeed Bitty Bean until she weaned herself at 1 year...and am eagerly anticipating a water birth with Boy Bean. :) 

So, while I am sure I will say the words "I will NEVER...." again....it is with full knowledge that I probably will. And when that day comes I'll at least have something to post about!

Copyright 2010

10 things I hate about....

Baby Brain.

Or pregnancy brain. Or losing my memory. Or whatever-you-want-to-call-it.  I am losing my mind!!!

***All of the things listed below ACTUALLY happened. To ME. THIS pregnancy. In a TWO WEEK PERIOD. Thought that should be made clear....please don't call social services.***

1. Today, while brushing String Bean's hair....I had to ask her THREE separate times how she wanted it done. Apparently, her simple answer...Pony tail, please....was just too many words for me to keep in my head.

2.  I completely forgot to buckle Jumping Bean's seat belt. Thankfully, she reminded me within a block of leaving the house - so I just pulled over and fixed it. BUT...as I was getting out of the car...I had to freeze and try to remember why I had stopped. 

3. I can't remember how to get to places I've been already. Not random places like a person's house I've only been to one time...oh no. I had to use Google maps to remember how to get from my house....to the Doctor's office.  Seriously.

4.  I can't remember what Boy bean doesn't like for me to eat. Case in point - last week I spent quality time with the toilet up-chucking all food consumed in the day...because I forgot he is NOT okay with BBQ sauce. Oops. My bad.

5. I call people and have absolutely no idea why.

6. I call people and between the time I hit "send" and they pick up the phone...I can't remember who I called.

How can I possibly be safe to drive at this point??? Or care for other humans??? It is a wonder I haven't left them anywhere.

7. I went to the OB Doctor recently for blood work....and completely FORGOT to give them a sample. I went to the bathroom - that is always a certainty - just forgot to leave them a souvenir. And how many OB appointments have I had???

8. I can be standing in the kitchen...with a cup in one hand and the apple juice in the other...and still not remember what I was doing.

9. I took String Bean's homework out of her book bag to check it (she had put it away in the correct spot!) and then completely forgot to put it back! After dropping her off at school, the rest of us came home and I was greeted by THREE items I was supposed to remember to take! duh.

10. The only perk about not having any memory??? In the morning I have ABSOLUTELY no idea how many times I woke up in the night! 

Copyright 2010

Where Have I Been?????

Well world, I have been extremely slack on posting for the past two weeks.

Wanna know why????

First, I couldn't talk. 

Which, you would think, should not mess with a person's ability to write. But in my case - it totally screws up my thought process. I have to read the words out loud....or at least say the sentences as I type....or I can't come up with a blessed thing to say.

Please feel free to make fun of me now.

Then....I couldn't MOVE. My back went completely out....not exactly sure why. But I do know that Boy Bean helped my back feel like it was 128 by flipping into the worst possible position and then kicking my back.

Plus side? I know the man-child has some seriously strong legs.
Down side? I had to spend 2 whole days crawling on my hands and knees....barely. And I couldn't lift my children for 6 straight days.

I was in so much pain I couldn't sit at the computer....I could only lay on the couch with an ice pack. Hence, no posting. The pain level was actually very close to that of active labor...I would break out in a cold sweat just trying to go to the bathroom.

It has not been my favorite week ever.

Except.

Well, except for the fact that my complete inability to care for myself and the beans gave me the amazing gift of being cared for. By a huge team of people. 

Really. I had NO idea I needed sooo many people to keep my life going.

But when you can't pick your children up....it is REALLY hard to get them into a Suburban. And out of it. And down the stairs. Or up the stairs. Or in the bath. Or....well, you get the idea.

When you can't stand up straight....it is REALLY hard to reach the cups. Or the food. Or the Bean's clothes. Or pretty much anything.

And it is REALLY, REALLY hard for somebody like me....someone who likes to take care of themselves and not bother people to help them.....to be forced to completely rely on the kindness of others. But what a blessing it was. 

However, I was struck by the hilarity of my situation when half - yes, half - of the people helping me.....were pregnant as well. And due BEFORE me. 

In fact, I'm pretty sure people were questioning the actual relationship between me and my sister-in-law as we traveled together over the weekend. 

She came to my rescue to drive all 4 of us girls 8 hours to be with family over Thanksgiving.

At each stop two very pregnant women would slowly and gingerly unload from the Suburban. (I'm 32 weeks along and she is 36 weeks) Then came the in depth process of unloading all the other females from the car....String Bean....Jumping Bean....Bitty Bean....and Girl-Cousin-who-is-the-same-age-as-Bitty-Bean.  It was a LOT of Estrogen in the car. 

I'm pretty certain people thought we were Sister-WIVES. 

So, while I'd rather not repeat this week of pain and challenge....I am truly thankful for it. I have been blessed beyond belief by an amazing group of people who came to my rescue.

And THAT is where I have been.

Copyright 2010

Psychic Love....

Be warned: I am about to get all romantically mushy. 

Seriously. If you don't like that kind of thing....stop reading.

Although, if you are female...you probably just skipped ahead a little.

HA! Caught ya'.

Anyway.....want to know why My Love is perfect for me? (And why I love him oh-so-very-much???)

Aside from the brilliant sense of humor, sixth sense for finishing my sentences, amazing levels of understanding females, and pretty much being my knight in shining armor...

He can Read. My. Mind.

No - seriously!!  It is this amazing gift-curse he has. Poor thing.

I was contemplating his amazing abilities recently when I ran across this:

THIS was part of the birthing class (which was by birthinsight and absolutely worth every penny) we took this past August. Our FIRST birthing class. Taken for my FOURTH child. And still, worth every cent. Just sayin'. 

Anyway, the multi-colored braid was something we had to make over our class weekend. We needed to choose three colors of fabric - each symbolizing something - and braid them together. In theory, you are supposed to remember to take this with you to the hospital to help focus your thoughts and remember why, exactly, you are choosing to have a natural childbirth. 

I say "in theory" because I've done this before....chances are I'll be more concerned with other things then a braided thingy in my hospital bag. But, maybe not. I like the idea at least.

But I digress.

So I chose pink, green, and white, and just started braiding. Then I looked at My Love and said "Why do you think I picked these colors? What do they mean to me??"  Thought I had finally stumped him.

I was wrong.

"Well," he began, "I'm assuming the pink is for each of our beans - you are committed to a natural childbirth because of various complications with each of them." Already I was choking up....
"And since you are committed to breastfeeding again - and you know medications can hinder that being a success - the white is for your desire to nurse."  I leaned over and kissed him...
"Which means, the green could only stand for one thing - one thing that is very important to both of us - we hope that this baby is born healthy and strong."  And I just melted.

Seriously.  We were squatting and my legs fell asleep. 

THAT is one more reason why My Love is perfect for me - he knows what is important to me because he listens. And then he says it back to me. And he's really really strong and can lift me up off of the floor when my legs fall asleep.

And I love him even more. 

Copyright 2010

How do you know......

You are an utterly exhausted mommy?

You fall asleep on the couch for 30 minutes while all children are WIDE awake.

Yep.

Apparently the freak-of-nature-heat-wave we experienced today just sucked all my energy out. And replaced it with massive amounts of swelling in my legs. Fun times.

So, in an attempt to relocate my ankle bones...I settled into "the spot" on the couch...propped my feet up on pillows....called all beans to surround me....and proceeded with story time. After story time (which involved Robin Hood being read for the nine-millionth time this month, among other stories) the Beans climbed down....and I rested my eyes.

For 30 minutes. 

Really.

I completely passed out!

How do I know this? Because when I woke up...I was covered from head to toe in toys. And stuffed animals. The Beans had been playing Doctor to Mommy...and I just slept through it!! I had Jumping Bean in my face listening to my heart with her pretend stethoscope...and String Bean at my feet counting my toes and making sure all was where it belonged.

What a way to wake up! 

I just can't believe that no one injured themselves...or decided that was the perfect time to raid the stash of Hershey kisses in the freezer! 

Copyright 2010

Cocoa Bean Moments....

Today I was an idiot. 

Not my normal way to start these posts out...but stick with me. 

Anyway. I completely forgot that Boy Bean HATES BBQ sauce. Really. This is an exceptionally hard aversion for me to remember because I LOVE BBQ.  Today I made the mistake of eating BBQ and had to pay the penalty:

Quality time with my head hung over the commode. 

I have now written some sticky-notes and posted them in my diaper bag, menu drawer, and refrigerator...so hopefully this will be the last time I forget this particular food problem.

That is all VITAL back-story to the Cocoa Bean Moment that occurred today....

While I was preparing to relieve my stomach of its contents....String Bean sat on the floor next to me, highly perplexed. She asked me, "Mommy, can I rub your back? Call someone? Get you a glass of water? Put my hand on your forehead? How can I take care of you?"

I waffled between telling her to stop asking me questions...and taking her up on her offers. Thankfully, the kind part of me won out....and I received a totally-awesome-5-year-old back rub. It actually really calmed me down.

Then Jumping Bean started singing "You are my sunshine" to me...that is our song to sing whenever someone is crying, or upset, or needs calming. We tweak the words just a bit so this was how Jumping Bean sang to her pale-faced mama:

You are my sunshine
My Mommy sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
I love you more and more every day.

Bitty Bean's contribution to the take-care-of-mommy-effort was to come and pull my hair. Pretty sure she was trying to pat my head.

After I kicked them out of the bathroom so I could throw up and not scare them and then clean up a bit...I entered the kitchen.

There I saw one glass of water, two bowls of applesauce, frosted mini wheats, and a whole lot of napkins. String Bean knew her sisters were hungry and knew I was in no state to figure out food....so she took the initiative and pulled out food. And filled a water glass for me. 

And I realized - I am not the best mom in the world by any stretch of the imagination. But I just might be the best-loved mom in the world.

And then I cried happy tears for the moment was sweet.

Copyright 2010

Ahhh....Nesting

So THIS is what the books are talking about! The overwhelming urge to reorganize your linen closet...go through all your clothes...scrub everything in sight...rearrange...clean...bring order. I am sure I have experienced this feeling before - I just never realized that is what it was.

How can that be???

Well, this pregnancy is an odd one for me...it is the FIRST time I haven't moved while pregnant. Yep. So when all "those" people in the books had the urge to alphabetize their spice drawer...I was still hunting for which box my spices were in! I guess it put the pregnant-crazy-nesting-hormones to good use at least.

We moved - across the street - in my 2nd trimester with String Bean. And 2 days later My Love deployed again.

We moved - from Virginia to Florida - in my 2rd trimester with Jumping Bean. My Love was in OCS during that one...so it was completely solo.

We also moved AGAIN just around the corner...when Jumping Bean was 6 weeks old.

We moved - from Florida to Virginia - in my 1st trimester with Bitty Bean. My Love had already reported to duty in Virginia...so that one was solo also. It was an especially memorable one...2 weeks before Christmas we had our packout...String Bean had an upper respiratory infection, Jumping Bean had a cold, I had a sinus infection AND morning sickness AND a pretty severe cough. Fun times. Did I mention it was 17 hours driving in the car???? (Although that was actually a TON of fun!)

So this odd ball pregnancy...where I'm due in the winter -not the summer; carrying a boy - not a girl; craving fruit - not BBQ or ice cream; not packing on weight like an Eskimo preparing for winter - as opposed TO packing on weight like an Eskimo preparing for winter; and actually staying stationary...is a very fun, very new, experience for me. 

I'm really enjoying whipping my house into shape. Especially since it is not for someone else! This odd phenomenon of nesting is really insane.

I woke up one morning recently and HAD to clean my bathroom sink. Did it matter that I had already overslept and was running behind schedule? Nope. This sink had to be sparkling. Before ANYTHING ELSE COULD HAPPEN.

I have been having trouble sleeping at night....because I had not been able to label the bean's drawers/cubbies! (We ran out of permanent marker.) 

 Why is this something built into pregnancy? Wouldn't it be more beneficial to be struck with an overwhelming need to sleep? Apparently not. Because I CANNOT sleep if there are dishes in the sink. Or laundry left unfolded and not put away.

Before you go and write me off as some looney tunes cleaning fanatic....you must understand - this is not the normal me! I like a tidy house - who doesn't? - but I normally have NO PROBLEM with putting my feet up and pulling a Scarlet O'Hara...."I'll deal with it tomorrow." But this baby boy of mine is a huge fan of having his mommy accomplish....well....everything in sight. If only he wouldn't suck all the energy out of me at the same time!

I must go and continue to feather my nest...I hear my spice drawer calling.

Copyright 2010

Why I LOVE....

Biggest Loser.

You thought I was gonna say something else, didn't you????

1. Bob Harper. Favorite quote of his:

"I am gonna work you so hard I'll break your legs off and beat you with them."

I really don't completely understand the sentence...but it cracks me up...every time.

2. It is super encouraging. As I've gained and lost 145 pounds over my past 3 pregnancies in 5 years...and I'm adding 15 pounds so far with #4...it has been an excellent motivator to get off my butt and lose the weight. The trouble is - whenever I watch them work out super hard it makes me want to sit there and eat ice cream. Or Doritos. Seriously. I have my worst food cravings during this show! So now I drink a glass of chocolate milk while sitting on my exercise ball and then do lunges and bicep curls while watching. Nothing too strenuous I promise!

3. Their blatant plugs for products. I don't know why - but I find them hilarious. Like people naturally say

"Oh! These Jennie-O turkey slices are really amazing! I could eat them every day wrapped around a carrot! Definitely tastes better than the chili cheese fries I normally eat for snack."

Okay, so I added the chili chees fries part....but that's what I'd be thinking about! Really?! I know healthy food tastes good....most of the time...and portion control is a VITAL part to weight control...but I'm sorry, a turkey wrapped veggie does not replace a junk food snack. (Unless it's turkey bacon wrapped around southern collard greens...that I could get behind.)

4. The music. Have you ever really listened to the background music? Especially during the 2nd half of the show? (The weigh-in part.) It sounds like music from some epic movie. I'd really like to have that piped in my bathroom whenever I step on the scale.

5. Jillian Micheals. That woman keeps quite a few waxing places in business. Her eyebrows desperately want to be one...and I feel her pain. As you can tell....I'm very deep and mature.  Seriously though - her training is great. Definitely enjoy her style.

The main reason I love Biggest Loser?

6. It shows me I CAN DO IT. I know that is very much like #2...but its the truth. I find it to be such a challenging, encouraging show! Being a healthy weight...getting to and maintaining a healthy weight....it IS possible! No matter where you start on the scale. Or what fitness level you are. It is possible to be healthy. To change your lifestyle. It isn't easy. There are no real quick-fixes. BUT it IS POSSIBLE! And that is why I keep coming back season after season.

And because I've been constantly pregnant and need the motivation!

Copyright 2010

Milestone...

Last night we crossed one of the many little milestones that mark growth in a child - and I felt my usual mix of sad and happy.

It amazes me how each little step is so very exciting...because your little one is growing up....and how each little step brings a touch of nostalgia and melancholy...because your little one is growing up. 

I know in the moments of extreme trial - the-no-sleep-newborn-phase, the-I-must-do-it-myself!-phase, the-learning-independence-phase, the-potty-training-phase (need I go on???) - the "next step" looks beautiful and fabulous and oh-so-much-easier than whatever I am facing at the moment. But it isn't. Each phase has its challenges...but each phase extreme amounts of blessing in it as well. I know I've only been at this 5 years - but I think I'm starting to get a grip on savoring the seconds....the easy ones...and especially the hard ones.

The discomfort of pregnancy...the exhaustion of middle of the night feedings...the power struggles of toddler will...the messes of potty training....the accidents....the spills...the dirty windows...the constant laundry...the repetitive teaching...the wake ups....the training...

It is a never-ending list...of gifts and blessings.  The hard part is registering it.  

I messed that up today...Jumping Bean had an accident and I lost it. I was so very upset at her...and I shouldn't have been. My schedule was upset...my plan was thrown off....but she had not meant to do wrong! That is why it is called an accident! When I apologized to her for yelling...her little eyes welled up with tears and she said, "Its okay Mommy. I forgive you. But it did make my heart sad." 

I'm sure one day I'll look back on these years and wish they were all home so I could hug away their tears or bandage their hurts. The trouble is sometimes its hard to see the gifts for the struggles.

Back to the Milestone of last night...Bitty Bean turned 16 months yesterday! And I thought it was as good a night as any to try out her big-girl bed. So my itty bitty baby girl curled up in her big girl bed...in the big girl room...and slept. She was so excited to sleep in the same room as String Bean and Jumping Bean. And I was thrilled!  But I was also sad. The nursery was empty. The monitor silent.  

 It was a moment. A marker passing time. My baby is growing up. 

Bitty Bean in her big girl bed - hugging her Daddy pillow

Sad and happy at the same time...pretty much sums up Motherhood.

Copyright 2010

Pregnancy "Perks"...part 2

Why should you read this?

Because it will make you laugh. At least once. Promise.

"Perk" #1 - You get to learn why underwear are so important.


 My primary annoyance with pregnancy is this... 

my pants and my underwear are constantly at war with one another. 

Seriously. One wants to climb up and the other wants to slide down...always. And to mix it up - they take turns on which one does what. There really is no polite way to reach down your backside - hoping to find your underwear - and then situate everything back in its correct place again. It drives me so crazy I've contemplated going commando. But then I sneeze. Or cough. Or bend over. And it is made crystal clear why, exactly, underwear are so important.

Perk #2 - You get your hair changed up for free!
Well, free if you don't consider that your hairstylist will depend on you for food, clothing, shelter, training, chauffeuring, laundering, hygiene, and tuition.  For AT LEAST 18 years. But pregnancy really DOES whack your hair out! At least it does mine! I have an entire section of my hair that is now stick straight courtesy of Boy Bean. It is an adventure..I never know what type of hair I'll have to match my ginormous belly.

Perk #3 - You get to learn Yoga.
I guess you technically don't have to learn yoga....but I can't think of anything else that will provide you with enough different stretches to help you get comfortable in the middle of the night. It works for me!

Perk #4 - You get to learn how to walk with random parts of your body falling numb at a moments notice.
This Boy Bean of mine likes to sit on my sciatic nerve...which would be no big deal - except that it causes my legs to randomly go numb. A little side effect they don't really tell you about.

Perk #5 - You get to lose your mind...and it is perfectly normal. 
You can't remember where you left your keys, your purse, your sunglasses, your kids keys.You walk into rooms and have no idea why you are there. (The only room I'm always sure of what to do in is the bathroom. Half the time I'm not even sure I need to go...but since I'm there...) You can't remember ANYTHING. Pregnancy is a really good time to watch movies...because you will not remember seeing them, have no recollection of the plot, and can watch them again at a later-non-pregnant date for the "first" time.

I know there are other perks....but I really can't remember any right now...what was I doing again?

Copyright 2010

Losing my mind....

Well, its official. I've lost my mind.

Proof? Oh, I have proof - see yesterday's post...or keep reading.

This morning in the shower as I was planning out the meals for the day...it hit me. I went to the Commissary yesterday, filled out the deli counter order, continued through the store finishing my list....and never returned for my deli meat.

Yep. My honey maple turkey and provolone cheese were sliced, bagged, and left. And it didn't even register until 24 hours later. 

Not enough evidence of losing it?

On the way to drop String Bean at school, my car was randomly selected for a vehicle search by the base police.

Really.

So I handed them all the stuff they needed...got out of the car...and waited for them to check everything.  (They were very nice - just doing their job - so no annoyance with them) Meanwhile, String Bean starts sobbing. Wailing, in fact.

Why?

Because she thought they were going to take her mother to jail. And how on earth would she get to school then???

Once they completed the search, I climbed back in, reversed out of the holding area, and realized - I wasn't wearing a seat belt. I had my Suburban  surrounded by police officers...and no seat belt in a moving vehicle. Apparently, I am so used to getting tickets - I try to get them if it looks like I won't. 

Then, after dropping String Bean at school; Jumping Bean, Bitty Bean, and I hung out with a friend talking in the parking lot.  I buckled my beans in...closed their door...and went to open my door.

I couldn't. 

It was locked. 

With my keys, cell phone, and ID, INSIDE.

Really.

Jumping Bean sat there in her seat trying to unlock the door...by tapping on the window. (She has since been educated on what "push the lock button" actually means.) Finally, as my friend drove off to go to my house to get my spare keys...Jumping Bean flipped the lock.

I immediately jumped in the car and grabbed my phone to call my friend so she wouldn't waste her time.  Then I realized...her number isn't in my phone. It is in my planner...sitting on the kitchen counter.

And that is why I am losing my mind.

I have a tan Suburban with Escambia plates...if you ever see me wandering in a parking lot...could you please direct me to my vehicle???

Copyright 2010

A Riddle....

Here's a riddle for you:

How do you know you have 3 children 5 and under, are in your 3rd trimester with #4, have a deployed husband, and have only dreamt about sleeping through the night when walking into walls due to sleep deprivation?

You flood the Laundry room. 

Yep.

Yesterday was a day for irony....but you need some back story....earlier I had gotten off the phone with my oh-so-totally-awesome-sister-in-law after we had both come to the conclusion we hate poop. Therefore, we are both foregoing the eco-friendly cloth diapers, in favor of the very-little-touching-of-poop disposable diapers. (This is actually relevant...stay with me.) 

AS SOON AS I hung up the phone, Jumping Bean came to me with this oops-I-pooped-my-pants-look on her face....and said, "Mommy! I tooted and POOP came out!!" 

Never a sentence you want to hear. Or say. Or experience. 

Anyway, I jumped up, and quickly we went to the bathroom...she was sobbing....I felt like crying...it was not a pretty sight. As she stood in the bathroom snotting all over the place, I took her dress off, and started pulling her panties down. Unfortunately, Jumping Bean freaked out over the poop sliding down her leg. So, she kicked her foot. And the large mass flopped onto the bathroom...rug.

Yes, I took a picture. yuk.

After physically pinning her to the toilet seat so I could wipe her bum, legs, ankles, and foot, clean...she was given a super-fast-bath.

That is mom-code for "no toys, fun, or pandemonium. Just get in. Get clean. Get out."

Later, as I was rinsing the gross off of the rug in the utility sink in our laundry room, I realized it needed to soak. So I stopped up the sink...turned on the faucet...and heard the sound of shattering glass coming from the general direction of the beans and the living room. 

I ran toward the noise and was welcomed by the sight of an overturned lamp, light bulb bits all over the carpet, and three crying beans.  I promptly took all beans upstairs away from the DANGER and we proceeded to read stories and play games...for 2 and a half hours. 

When we finally migrated back downstairs for dinner, I was greeted by the sound of splashing water coming from the laundry room.

Thank the Lord for the floor drain.

 I opened the laundry room door to find 1/4 inch of standing water covering the floor, and a veritable waterfall coming from the edge of the sink.

It was not my finest moment for my choice of words.

Once I had cleaned up the mess, and gotten food for all the beans...I realized I needed a perspective change. So we had a "Praise Dinner." All the things we said during dinner were things we are thankful for...they ranged from the everyday - Thank you for clothes - to the very strange - Thank you for toots - to the sweet - Thank you that Mommy and Daddy love each other - to the need-to-discuss-at-a-later-time - Thank you that I'm so much smarter than my sisters.

Overall, it was a very good exercise! However, I'd rather not have to repeat the day to learn the lesson!!

 Copyright 2010

OB Appointment time...

I must say some sick, twisted, person (who has never been pregnant) decided on what must happen at every OB check up.

You walk up to the counter, you tell them your name, and they direct you to the bathroom. This bathroom holds a small little cup....that you are supposed to hold in your hand in places you haven't seen in months.

Don't worry - it is not used.

Seriously.  They don't furnish you with gloves to your elbow....they don't give you a funnel....or a bed pan. Nope. They expect you to neatly pee in a cup! With this belly in the way, all I have to say is HOW ON EARTH am I supposed to accomplish this task?!?!?

25 weeks

Is this the medical profession's idea of a good time?
Having women all around the country going to the bathroom on themselves?
Do the nurses watch the waddling masses heft themselves into the bathroom and sit back and snicker?
Or, are they in cahoots with the cup manufacturer to design the smallest cup possible for them to use?
I don't know if there is some big conspiracy against women with bowling balls on their abdomens....but I am pretty sure there is. 

I also have no idea who thought putting the scale in the main hallway was a good idea. Where the nurse has to verify your weight...out loud and check it against your last weigh in...and then (at least in my case) she raises an eyebrow and makes some snide remark to the effect of "How has your time with Ben and Jerry been this month?"

All because I gained 5 lbs when I supposed to gain 4. Yes, you read that right.

Personally, I don't even like Ben and Jerry's ice cream....I'm a Starbucks Java Chip girl....but that isn't the point. The point is this: My personal space hasn't existed for 5 years now. I also haven't slept through the night in 5 years. I am tired. I am spending my days running after 3 beans who seem to have limitless energy. I am keeping a house....even mowing the lawn! If I want to sit on my fat butt at the end of the day and enjoy a little java chip ice cream....I should be allowed.

 I don't need to go to the doctor to pee on myself and then be criticized for my weight gain...all I have to do is sneeze or cough, and then get one of the beans to look at the number on the scale at home (I can't see over my stomach) and say something loving like "MOMMY!! I don't know how to count that high." 

(Yes, actual quote)

So, String Bean, Jumping Bean, Bitty Bean, and Boy Bean....this is to tell you your mama loves you a lot. Now, where is my spoon???

Copyright 2010

Sunny Side Up...

It seems I have given off the mistaken impression that I have it all together.  I can assure you, I do not. There are two key reasons why I try to see the good and/or the funny in every situation...and I thought now would be as good a time as any to divulge them.

 Be prepared. I am about to get honest. Exceptionally-completely-ugly-honest.

The first reason is this: In James 1:2, 17, it states: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds...[for] every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.[NIV]" I believe there is a reason - or a purpose, behind every poop explosion, every middle-of-the-night-wake-up, every day where I'm brought to the end of myself. I may not understand the purpose specifically - but I know there is one. Many days that is all I need to keep the laundry, dishes, correcting, teaching, cleaning, and cooking, going. (Unfortunately, patience is NOT on that list!)

My second reason for seeking the "silver lining" is much more personal. 

I have had some very dark days. Days where I felt I couldn't even open my eyes to see the cloud...let alone the silver lining. Those days were the months following the birth of Jumping Bean. Many people try to dismiss post-partum depression.... They will say - Oh! It is just in your head. Get over it. What is your problem? Just get out of bed and DO something.  I am ashamed to say I was once one of those people. Someone who just thought people were being lazy or attention hunting. Someone who would NEVER feel what those people claimed to feel.

Then we moved - to our 4th state - in 4 years - in my 3rd trimester with Jumping Bean. And she was born...this perfect little pink mass of screaming skin. She yelled and screamed and cried and writhed for almost 4 months. For 16 hours a day. And I knew very few people. I was caring for String Bean...they are 25 months apart...My Love was working....and I was sinking.

I didn't want to get out of bed. I resented my beans. Especially my Jumping Bean. I cried...constantly. I was overwhelmed and disconnected and scared of what was happening to me. I remember turning a movie on for String Bean, putting a screaming Jumping Bean in her crib, going into the bathroom, turning on the fan, climbing in the shower - in my clothes - and sobbing...because that was the only place I could go where I couldn't hear her screaming.

It was like being at a pool party and drowning...everyone around you can see you...but you can't cry out for help because all your energy is focused on surviving.

My Love knew something was wrong...terribly wrong...but he didn't know how to help. Finally, he started leaving me with a "to-do list" for each day. The first few days, the only thing on the list was "take a shower."  Slowly, steadily, he was able to draw me back to the home...to the family...to life. But it wasn't easy. It wasn't quick. It wasn't fun.

We contemplated medication...counseling...therapy...daycare...vacations....which definitely can help! But we chose (together) to try a different route before we sought other help.  For 2 months I was not myself. Oh, I could turn "me" on and fake it for an hour or two around other people. I could come up with positive things to say to our families when they called to check on us. But the real me was aching. And I needed help to heal. Thankfully, between the power of prayer and a loving husband...God was able to draw me to where I am now.  

I'm sure some would say what I've described above were not "dark days." To be honest, compared with many people's lives, they weren't. But for me - for my life - I was on the edge. I was on the edge of a place I never want to go to again. 

There is funny and happy all around....even then it was there....sometimes it is just much harder to see. My life is not perfect...together...or pain-free...but it is wonderful. Because there is a sunny side.

Copyright 2010

Pregnancy comments...part 2

Yesterday, I posted about a comment from a stranger regarding temporary insanity in pregnancy.

Since I seem to have a knack for garnering interesting and shocking comments on pregnancy from the masses, I thought perhaps I should chronicle "the good ones" from this pregnancy.  During my trip to the commissary yesterday, I was given a TRUE gift in the memorable-comment-department.

(Quick aside - NEVER, EVER, go to the commissary - ANY commissary - on the 1st, or the 15th, of the month. All the armed services get paid on the same two days. Avoid the military complexes on those days AT ALL COSTS!)

Anyway! As we carefully weaved our way through the aisles packed with retirees, sleep-deprived mothers, whining children, and annoyed men; I was suddenly stopped by an overly-excited-twenty-something-female. 

(For the record, being stopped in the aisles was like having a car break down in one of the Hampton Roads tunnels. It stopped ALL TRAFFIC and caused numerous glares in my general direction.)  

She looked at me and said, "How far along are you?! I'm 9 weeks pregnant with my first!" (Insert HUGE smile and patting on exceptionally-flat-abdomen)

I turned from calming Chilly Bean's hysterics over not walking, and giving Jumping Bean the "eye" because she couldn't lay on the floor of the commissary, and said, "Oh, I am 20 weeks along."  

The poor super-thin-trim-flat-stomach-very-comfortable-in-a-bikini girl looked at my stomach with eyes the size of saucers and said, "You are REALLY HUGE. RIGHT?! PLEASE say you are HUGE!!!"

Poor thing.

I grinned and said, "Well, it IS my 4th...but yes, I carry them with a pretty big belly!"

(I was tempted to tell her the belly getting big is not the most shocking of the pregnant changes...stretch marks...loss of bladder control...no more sleeping in....lower back pain...varicose veins...acne...excessive hair growth....but I figured if she fainted in the aisle an angry mob of retirees would jump me for blocking the way!)

Copyright 2010

Let the Comments begin...

Today, as we four women were out and about, I officially heard "a new one."  You know - a comment that people think is original and creative, but actually isn't?  If I could get some $$ for every time I am/have been told: "You have YOUR hands full!" Or, "All girls?  Better keep trying for that BOY!" I would be VERY rich at the moment. (Quick aside - Yes, my hands are full....with exactly what I want! And No - we have never tried for any gender...we've just been blessed beyond belief with each little bean in our pod.)  

But I digress.

The comment I was told today was this..."Do you go crazy when you are pregnant?"  (Bear in mind, this question was posed by a man who's significant other is apparently due in December - she was not present - who just saw me out with my children and my belly, and decided I looked stable enough to ask that particular question.) 

For any of you who know me...or have read anything I have EVER written...you would know I am NOT a stable person!  I have hormones rushing through me at adolescent levels even when I'm not pregnant...so when I AM pregnant the craziness reaches epic proportions.

I guess a good question back would have been, "How do you define 'Crazy?'" 

If the definition of "a sane person" includes someone who would: flip out over an order of lunch meat getting messed up; sob shoulder racking cries while loading clothes in the washing machine; periodically hide from their children in the shower; plan into their week their "break down" time; cry over Hallmark cards randomly...that aren't even sappy; and use the "phone a friend" lifeline as a desperate hunt for her last strand of patience; then I would say, "No! Everyone does not go crazy when they are pregnant!"

(I mean, I haven't tried to kill anyone...yet.)

But really, that definition above does not describe a stable person. It does, however, describe ME.  Not all my facets mind you...I like to keep people on their toes...but definitely some of them!

The poor man looked so overwhelmed with the woman at home who was vacillating between cries, laughter, anger, and panic; (I would em-pathetically assume!) he didn't want the truth.  He just needed comfort. As Jack Nicholson said so eloquently in A Few Good Men: "The truth? You CAN'T handle the truth!"

I smiled. I wiped the ketchup from my stomach, the snot from my shoulder, and the spit from my thigh - and said, "We all have our days. Just love her."  He seemed comforted by that and went on his way.  

The Beans and The pod

Then I sat down and teared up. 

Copyright 2010