Oh Poop.

You think your job is crappy?

It is unfortunate for my children that I have a blog. 

Because, when we have experiences like we did this week, I put them on the world wide web. 

No longer do embarrassing stories stay relegated to the baby book or the birthday dinner. 

Nope. 

Now they are easily accessed by anyone in the world. 

At any time.

Payback is sweet.

Poor, poor, Bitty Bean. She has regressed in her potty training. For some reason (Most likely because My Love is away) she has not pooped in the toilet for the last week.

She has pooped. Just not on the throne.

(Which is odd because she has not had a problem with it for over 6 months, and I totally call it a throne and let them be Queens when they use toilet.)

I would like to say that I have been a calm, kind, and loving Mommy every time I have scraped poop out of her underwear and then washed them in the toilet.

I can't. 

I have lost it and gone close to stark raving mad most times.


In fact, on Thursday when she called my name from upstairs and I went to see what she needed and I looked up and saw naked business covered in poop, I might have popped a blood vessel. But when I went in the bathroom and accidentally placed my bare foot in still-warm-poo on the just-mopped floor...quickly lifted up my foot...lost my balance....and planted my foot in another piece on the freshly-washed rug....something snapped.

I told that little Poop Power Plant to stay right where she was. Then, I went into my own bathroom and muttered many unwritable things under my breath.

Eventually, I was able to clean her, the floor, the rug, and the toilet up.

So, that all brings me to Saturday. Saturday. The day where Boy Bean decided it was his shift at the Poop Power Plant. Before I continue about him, let me say - he has pooped every day this week. Like clockwork. Mid-morning and mid-afternoon - perfectly on schedule.


But Saturday would have convinced anyone that the work site had been under construction for a while, because, he loaded 9 - NINE - poop diapers.

I apologize to the neighborhood for how much my trash bins stink. 

I wasn't upset, or even annoyed. Clearly, he needed to clean out his system. However, the veritable straw that broke this Mama's back....came from the Bitty Bean.

She was quiet - which is always wildly disconcerting in this house of insane mayhem - so I went hunting. There she was, hiding in the living room, with a green cloud of smog surrounding her.

This time, I didn't get angry.

I sat down and cried. 
Real tears streamed down my face...my nose was already running from the smell.

Quietly I took her and the Boy to my bathroom to clean her up and bathe them both.

And that is when I discovered Bitty Bean's current poop in her panties....was her 2nd of the day. I knew that because, dear people, there was poop clearly smeared on the front of my toilet...on the toilet seat...and a slight smattering on the floor.  As I wiped the tears and squared my shoulders for the next cleaning job...

She slowly turned her big, brown eyes at me and said, "I just wanted to clean it up!"


And then, I laughed. And showed her how to use a Lysol Wipe.

At least my bathrooms are getting clean!

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

10 days...

10 days.

ONLY 10 days.

That is how long My Love has been gone so far. (He won't be home for a couple more weeks) In the grand scheme of life, it really isn't very long. With deployments lasting months on end - 10 days is not a big deal.

At all.

But.

Sometimes, I need to step back and think about what goes on during our times apart. What crazy/normal life looks like. What I don't think of as a big deal.

Like, say, explosive poop.

I apologize in advance if you have a sensitive constitution. 

Please skip this entire post.

I also apologize to Jumping Bean. 

Profusely.

But it isn't stopping me from sharing.  :)

As we left My Love on the pier last week, the Beans and I sat in the car and let it sink in.
This is the year. It's our turn.
Our turn to say the goodbyes and experience the separations and learn how to do life without our favorite man around.
It is our turn for those things....because our friends will soon be saying "Welcome Home."
They will finally get to re-learn how to do life with all parts of the family present.
They will not have an empty place at birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, school programs, and church events over this next year - because they did it this year.
Since we see those goodbyes and families missing each other - the beans know what they are about to do. The car was a bit sad, String Bean was crying, and everyone was quiet.

But not for long.

Within 2 minutes of leaving My Love, Jumping Bean yells out from the back of the Swagger Wagon
"I NEED to POOP!"
Being the understanding Mommy I am, I said,
"Hold it. We just took you to the head at the boat. You can wait the 15 minutes till we get home."
Insert groans and painful squeaks from the back.
"NO MOMMY!!! I CAN'T!"
String Bean, always happy to help, inserted,
"Are you sure it is poop? I mean, I think it is easier to hold poop in and not so easy for pee."

At this point, I'm acting very mature, and snorting my laughter.  

Jumping Bean, writhing in pain, says,
"Oh. It is for SURE poop. It is gonna come out! It hurts so bad!"
Bitty Bean (always curious) queries in her-oh-so-extremely-cute-voice,
"Is it diarrhea? That doesn't feel good."

Suddenly, the screeching and squeals in the back stop. And Jumping Bean asks a loaded question:
"What does diarrhea feel like?"

In the interest of maintaining some sense of decorum on this blog - although I'm pretty sure that has never been present - I will save you the in-depth, highly descriptive answers that String Bean, Bitty Bean, and yes, even I, gave. Just trust they were very informative. I doubt Webster's does a more thorough job.  

The description left me crying from laughter. And it made me realize I should probably stop at friends house to allow Jumping Bean to use their toilet.

Wise, wise, decision.

So now, I can honestly say, moments after my husband left - the poop, (very narrowly missed) the van. 

Thank you for chuckling.

So much more has happened over the last 10 days....but I'm afraid it will just have to wait. :)

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

Moments....

You know those moments that make you stop - hold your breathe - freeze the image in your mind?
Those moments that allow you to see - really, truly, see - the person in front of you?

We all went and celebrated Bitty Bean's 3rd birthday (2 weeks early) while My Love was still home. That time spent eating Chinese (her request) and enjoying the doughnut shop (her request about a billion times)  as a family...was chock full of moments I wanted to freeze.

Often, I find myself too busy, too pre-occupied, too tired, or too distracted, for those moments to occur.

Especially when the person I'm supposed to be seeing...is one of my little Beans.  

Somehow, these people, these four little treasures that I get to be with almost 100% of the time - they can go unnoticed. Unknown. Ignored.  This was brought to my attention recently, by my String Bean. She said, "Mommy, I wish you'd spend more time with us."


My first reaction was shock - I'm with you 'round the clock! What do you mean "MORE" time!?  Instead of saying those words, I just asked her, "What kind of time?"

And my little-6-year-old-philosopher said, "Time where we can just be. Together."

Maybe I'm the only person who has experienced the loss of vision towards those they love the most.  I'm moving so fast to take care of the next thing, go to the next event, clean the next mess, or just find a moment of quiet....that I forget the real next thing to take care of, is a person.

The next event could be the discovery of a leaf - or a loose tooth - or skipping - or listening to a song. The next mess might not be broken items, it might just be a hurting heart or bruised feelings caused by a careless word.
Sometimes, in the cacophony that is my home, I need to step back and treasure the ruckus instead of resenting the absence of quiet.

Now that school is out and My Love is gone...

(Because during the school year I was too tired, and there are all sorts of whacked out emotions going on when Daddy is away)

...we have reinstated some rituals that help me to see my children - things that also help them see each other as well. One thing they think is wonderful is where we take turns saying something about each other that we just utterly LOVE.  Those things that if that person didn't do - our day would not sparkle quite as much.  Here are the highlights of the week....

We decided that if Bitty Bean didn't talk about poop so much...we wouldn't laugh nearly enough. If we didn't hear her singing...or her spontaneous "I love you"...or her constant requests for brownies and/or chocolate...the day would be not quite right.

We discovered that even though Boy Bean attacks unsuspecting people at random - with fiendish delight - we all know that when he jumps on our heads, he is just saying "I love you."  There is no sound so fantastic as his belly laugh. We love watching him eat and savor and experience each bite.

We love that Jumping Bean wakes up so silly...because her smiles and giggles and hugs just start the day out right. We love how fiercely she hugs and kisses. Her little sister loves how Jumping Bean takes care of her...and her big sister loves how Jumping Bean is such a good friend. I love her zest and passion for life.

We all agreed String Bean's hugs are marvelous. The sisters also talked about how great String Bean is at helping them not be scared or nervous. They love her silly faces and crazy jokes. I love how she takes initiative and has a tender heart.

What a treat to sit down and learn about the things that are important to my children. Especially when they decided to say the things they love about me. They love hugs. Silly dances during breakfast. Playing in the pool. Reading together. When I wipe their bum. (Seriously. That was from Bitty Bean.)

I was reminded that while I may not always freeze the moments - there are always more to be made.

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

Cocoa Bean Moment....

So, we are potty training.

By "we," I mean Bitty Bean. 

And by "potty training" I mean, rarely leaving the house and staying as close to the potty as possible and living off of my watch timer.

Fun times.

For some reason, Bitty Bean - who is 2 1/2 - cannot/will not use the potty if she is wearing a pullup. Or panties. That's right. She has accidents when her bum is covered.

However.

If that adorable, mischievous 2 year old is going commando.....she has absolutely ZERO accidents.
And yes, they know that rolling without undergarments is called commando. 

Please call before you come over. 

We used to do just your normal-run-of-the-mill Hip, Hip, HOORAY! Whenever she had success in the potty. Not anymore. Bitty Bean thinks her feats of bathroom ability are worth much much more celebrating.

Which is completely true if it is poop. 

I would stand on my head to get that girl to go poop in the potty.

Now, whenever she takes care of business successfully, she jumps off the pot and yells out

"OH  YEAH! OH YEAH! BOOM BABY." 
(a la Vector from Despicable Me and Cuzco from Emperor's New Groove.)

And smacks her bum.  

Every.
Single.
Time.

And I laugh so hard I can't breathe.

Every.
Single.
Time.

I don't care if that is potty humor. That moment is sweet. 

Oh yeah!

~Whitney
Copyright 2011

Poop on a stick

(Many grand and marvelous and mundane and difficult and tiring things have been happening in our corner of the world; hence the erratic posting.)

But SATURDAY. Oh Saturday! That needs to be written down....

Poop on a stick. What a memory.

We had all gone out to dinner (at Whitner's BBQ) and had an excellent time. Fantastic food, well-behaved children, quick service....just an all-around positive experience. You NEED to go there. Seriously. Change your plans and go eat there. :)

Near the end of our meal, My Love got a look on his face and shot me a questioning look. Apparently,  a horrible smell had just creeped into his nostrils and he was blaming me.

I was innocent.

Sniffing around the table and shifting accusations continued.

Boy Bean was the last one accused.

Unfortunately, he should have been the first.

My Love was sitting next to Boy Bean and pulled the little britches out to do a bum check.

(Insert coughing and fast retracting of limbs.)

The poor Boy had managed to poop....out his diaper...in his onesie.....down his pants....into his socks....and in his shoes.  

Thankfully his fleece was spared.

I catapulted out my seat for recon on the bathroom, hoping to find a changing table.

My hope was not realized.

Did I mention it was about 38 degrees and raining?
And that I had to just used his spare outfit from the diaper bag....the day before?
And had not refilled it?
And that I was low on wipes?

Good times.

So out I went to the Swagger Wagon in the tinkling rain (As the girl beans call it) to strip my Boy Bean and clean him up without getting our freshly-cleaned car dirty....with 10 wipes.

Miraculously, I succeeded.

Unfortunately for Boy Bean, we still had errands to run.

And he was naked.  

Well, he had a diaper and a blanket, and once I returned to the restaurant his fleece was donned. 

But still. 

His lower half was bare.

That's right. We went full-redneck.

(Our errands were taking us straight to the mall....so we quickly purchased a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie for the little dude.)

A memory was made.

And nasal hairs were burned.

Overall? It was an excellent evening.  


~Whitney :)


Copyright 2011

A First....

Well, it happened.

I mean, we ALL knew this day was coming....I had just hoped it wouldn't be so soon.

No.

I am NOT pregnant.

I have, however, completely lost my mind.

Proof?

(Unfortunately there are no pictures - which really is quite sad once you visualize the following)

Apparently, I'm really, really, tired. 

Although, somehow I'm not tired enough to NOT write this down....hmmmm

So tired in fact, that when I was unloading the dryer at 7:30 this evening -

after decorating for Christmas, cleaning up some of that disaster, teaching school, 

dealing with obscene amounts of poop, over seeing piano practice x2, making sure all people ate today, 

reading bedtime stories, kissing and tucking in 4 little beans 

- after all of THAT....I knelt down to reach all the way into the back of the dryer, pulled out My Love's paintball pants, inhaled the Tide/Bounce combo deeply, and laid my head on the load of laundry in the basket.

And fell asleep.


For 20 minutes.

The ONLY difference between me and the woman pictured (other than stretch marks, dark circles under my eyes, non-gleaming floors, and my workout apparel for today consisting of a UCONN t-shirt and black capri sweats) was that my head was cushioned by a warm towel and a pair of gray Columbia pants.

Seriously.

How I wish My Love had walked in on that scene!

Perhaps I am extra tired because Boy Bean has been fighting an illness for a bit so sleep has been rather sketchy....

Maybe it is because that is just how you feel in this phase of life....

Or maybe, just maybe, I needed to nap on the laundry to be reminded to keep a Bounce in my step and to roll with the Tide. 

(hehe)

That's laundry humor for you.

Stay clean people.

~Whitney

Copyright 2011

Livin' the Life....

One month.

Goodbye hugs before we took My Love to the airport

ONE month.

That is all was - but, holy-heck-a-mama I am glad it is over!

My Love left for a school for the Navy on September 7th....and FINALLY got home LAST Friday night!! I know the world wasn't all aware that My Love was gone, but let me 'splain......

Short version: I have 4 kids (6, 4, 2, and 9 months) and I am homeschooling.

What?! Not enough information????

THIS is why I've been MIA -

~ Poop finger painting a la Bitty Bean....who knew one turd could cover a pair of legs, a blankie, a toilet seat completely, a bathroom rug, and initial the carpet??? I do now.

~ Sugar and salt explosion in my kitchen...who knew how fun it-could-be-to-throw-3-cups-of-sugar-and-the-contents-of-a-salt-shaker-in-the-air-like-confetti-all-over-the-freshly-mopped-kitchen-and-just-bathed-self?  Bitty Bean.

~ Toothpaste finger painting covering the bathroom sink....and then repeated with hand soap the next day.  Thank you Bitty Bean, now your bathroom sink is spotless and minty fresh.

~ Butt paste finger painting.....yep, Bitty Bean again. I keep this stuff waaaaaay out of reach! Still no idea how she got it...but she used it to cover her legs, arms, and two bar stools in the kitchen. She should get points for being thorough!

~ Complete reorganization of 2 drawers of clothing....Bitty Bean was placed in time out on her bed (where I thought no damage could occur! I was wrong.)  She decided to completely empty the contents of 2 drawers of their dressers! Panties, socks, tights, pants, shorts, skirts, and leggings were strewn all over the room when I finally mustered the strength (and calm) to climb the stairs and address budding artist after the poop incident. I opened the door to address one behavior, saw the mess.....and started crying. And laughing. It wasn't pretty.

Right now, I love that 2 year old with the impish grin. God knew what He was doing when He made this age so adorable!

The straight jacket is working out quite well. HA!

Copyright 2011

15 minutes.....

Sometimes, my life is PHENOMENAL.

I mean, my children are perfect angels and smiley and the house is spotless and I'm rested and all the meals prepared are done ON TIME AND DELICIOUS!

Shortly thereafter....I wake up.  :)

Oh well.

Here is a snippet of my morning - just 15 minutes of it.

As we went to load up in the car to take String Bean to school - Bitty Bean decided (with an evil glint in her eye) that it would be funny to hide her shoe.

In the trash bin.

Ha.

Ha.

After scrambling around hunting for the lost shoe - I managed to get all 4 beans buckled in the car.

To date I haven't left anyone.  

Which is truly miraculous.  

Especially since last week I almost left Boy Bean napping in his crib when I went to pick up String Bean.  Thank the Lord Jumping Bean was ECSTATIC about it just being girls in the car.  

Otherwise the poor man-child would have had to fend for himself.

Anyway.

We arrived at the school and String Bean says, "Mom! You forgot my lunch!"

Insert extremely-frustrated-sigh-and-serious-levels-of-annoyed-mother here.

I then picked Boy Bean up out of the car seat to transfer to the stroller for the walk to String Bean's class room - and discovered he had pooped.

All. Up. His. Back.

Poor kid just had to deal with it until after we dropped his sister off because we were running late due to Bitty Bean's twisted sense of humor.  

But I can state with complete confidence he is no longer full of poop.

His onesie, diaper, pants, and socks?  Not so much.

Anyway.

Then Jumping Bean needed to go potty - which was no big deal. She accomplished her business while I was trying to clean Boy Bean with the 3 wipes I had with me.

During all of that chaos, Bitty Bean decided not enough was going on and fell off a stool and hit her head on the floor.

Seriously.

And THAT is what my not-so-perfect-days typically look like!

Copyright 2011

Mommy's Law.....

I originally posted about Mommy's Law a bit ago....but recently another one was brought to my attention.

#4 If you say you have never....then you probably will the next day.
Unfortunately, I forgot this rule and was speaking with a friend regarding my total-awesomeness...

NOT. I'm totally gonna bring that phrase back...it is often applicable

...and mentioned I had NEVER locked my keys in the car.  Well, at least since I've had children.

Jumping Bean locked the keys in the car....while inside....but I don't think that counts.

Since God really likes to showcase his sense of humor in my life.....the following story had to occur....the very day AFTER the above "I have never" statement.

I had a doctor's appointment that I thought was at 1:45. I had planned and prepped and scheduled to the nth degree to get Bitty Bean and Boy Bean their naps, Jumping Bean and Bitty Bean their lunch, and pick up String Bean from school.

Unfortunately, I had misread my calendar....about 45 times.  I've got skills.

At noon I looked at my calendar for the 46th time and realized the appointment was at ONE O'CLOCK. That is a HUGE difference.  So after a tornado in the house of getting everyone in the car and lunches thrown in bags....we picked up String Bean from school and drove to the office.

Not gonna lie, I ignored a few "speed suggestion" signs. Thankfully, no one was harmed.

Anyway.

We got out of the car....loaded 2 sleeping Beans in the double stroller....and locked the car.

Not until I was inside...waiting for my blood pressure to be checked...did I realize I was missing the diaper bag. AND my keys. And my cell phone. And my wallet.

So I started laughing. Hysterically.

Like only a crazy-woman-who-has-not-slept-in-5-years-because-she-had-4-children-in-5-years can laugh.

It was not pretty.

At that precise moment - they were ready to read my blood pressure.  And it was so LOW - they had to do a second reading!

I couldn't call My Love - he was flying, and the only other phone number I have memorized is my parent's. And they live 8 hours away. Not very helpful.

Thankfully, a wonderful nurse looked up the phone number for my car insurance (they have roadside assistance....I LOVE USAA!!!) and allowed me to use her cell phone.  So it all ended well.

Boy Bean and Bitty Bean had to sit in their own poop for a bit....but that is not the end of the world, right?

Anyway.

I've decided my next "I have never" comment should be "I have never had a day where I didn't repeat myself." I'll let you know how that goes.

Copyright 2011