Motherhood is hard

I've been writing and working on posts this week...but none of them really looked "right." I just couldn't get them how I wanted.  And I think I know why. It is because I have something else to say, but I didn't really want to say it. But here it goes anyway:

Motherhood is hard.

I'm sure many of you knew that - or assumed that. But the truth is? It is actually wickedly harder than you ever anticipate. You aren't supposed to admit that it is hard or that you are tired or have no idea how to handle a problem.  But I've never been very good at all that jazz.

So here's the deal - the whole truth.

I love my four beans. I love them more than I thought a heart could love. I pray for them, I parent them, I protect them, I push them, I provide them with clean clothes and food, I play with them.  But sometimes I wonder - If I had KNOWN back in the beginning, how much work all of this would be....would I do it over?

Would I have so many, so very close together? 

Honestly, some days - the hard days, the never-stop-repeating-myself days, the endless-mess days - I question if we really thought this through.

Were we fair to our kids to put them so close? Were we fair to ourselves?

Because this is a seriously heavy load. Not sometimes - All. The. Time.

I'm finally getting to the point where I'm no longer elbow-deep in poop. I'm sleeping through the night on a consistent basis. I'm finally able to finish a sentence every now and again. They are all big enough they can do some things for themselves (even Boy Bean!). I can accomplish a task beyond bare-minimum-basic-need.

And it is wonderful.
And a little bit sad.

This is the first time I have had a toddler without a newborn. 

To you mama's in the thick of it - of the meltdowns, the non-existent-sleep, the 4 hour ordeal to get groceries - you will make it.

It is hard.
Some days, it will feel insurmountable.

But you will make it.

You will reach a day - very soon - where your babies will go off on adventures without you.
A day when a poop doesn't make someone scream for a bum-wipe.
You will sleep again.
Your brain will come back.

Thankfully, this time of craziness beyond belief, is just a phase.
A challenging, stretching, exhausting, overwhelming phase.

Were we fair to our kids to put them so close? 

I don't know. They will each develop differently because of where they fall in the birth order and how smashed together they are (I mean, 4 kids in 5 years and 4 months is rather close!), but I pray they turn out well despite the lack of personal space. 

Were we fair to ourselves?

I guess if we had planned differently, My Love and I could have had the expected adult experiences. We might have traveled more, we might have had hobbies, we might have saved more money, I might have gotten my degree. 

If I had known how much work this would require - I probably would not have chosen it.  

BUT that is because while it is possible to see how much work it is...it is not possible to measure the reward. 

Motherhood is hard. It is wonderful. No matter what your family looks like - there are days that pound you. On those days, the thing I'm most thankful for is that I don't have to repeat it.

But the flip side is also true - You won't get to repeat these days.

Let's make them count.

~Whitney Copyright 2013

I could...

I could show you pictures of my living room and how awesome it looks with curtains.

(For the record - if you want curtains, GO TO IKEA. For real. Their website has nowhere near the selection they have in store. It is a grown up wonderland of deals and beautiful stuff.)

I could post pictures of the girl room (Yes, all three of our girls are sharing a room. They actually begged for it. Please get off my case) and how totally amazing all the organization is working. 

I could probably drum up something sappy to write.

I could complain about the psychotic Hampton Roads weather. (My word. It is absolute craziness.)

But I'm not gonna do any of that tonight. Nope.
I have to write down a bit about my String Bean (7.5) and my Jumping Bean (5.5) and the crazy conversation we had yesterday....

We were all (minus My Love, who is away briefly), eating breakfast before church, when out-of-the-blue String Bean says:

"Mom, how do you know the Bible is true? I mean there is a lot of stuff in it that is, you know, kinda hard to buy."

"What are you thinking of, exactly?"

"Well, the whole idea about Jesus lives forever but was a human for just a bit of time. And the guys that wrote the Bible - but God is supposed to be the one who wrote the Bible - and what if they heard him wrong?"

Seriously? Isn't that what College level philosophy classes are for? I haven't even had my coffee!

Then Jumping Bean pipes in:
"And what's up with the whole Esau business? I mean, how could a Mommy or Daddy love one kid more than the other? I don't want to believe that a brother could be so mean. Or a Daddy could be so mean. Why is that in there?"

I could tell you my answers and the conversation that followed, but really all I want to say is this...

I never thought I'd see the day where I just wished my kids were asking about sex. 

:)

~Whitney Copyright 2013

Psycho

I love being Mama.

LOVE it.

But.

This last week, I would have really, really, really liked to have a substitute. A stand-in. A wife-of-my-own.

I've had my fill cleaning up bodily fluids....all 5 of us had the flu. It was awful. TERRIBLE.
I'm tired of comforting someone else while concentrating to re-lift my eye-lids.
I'm tired of waking up every 30 minutes dealing with someone's nightmares.
I'm tired.
Really, REALLY tired.

And I'm tired of laundry.
24 loads in one week...and one still on deck.
(For some strange reason, I thought it would be interesting to keep a running tally of how much laundry I had to do when the flu hit our house. The jury is out on if this was encouraging or demoralizing.)

In fact, I'm so very tired of laundry....that I might have gone slightly psycho today.

My Bitty Bean - whom I love, even though she is still allergic to pooping in the toilet - fell asleep in the car on the way to piano lessons.

After String Bean raced inside, and Jumping Bean unbuckled, and I unloaded Boy Bean (who had to be carried because his shoes were miraculously eaten by the Swagger Wagon), I went out to wake the sleeping munchkin.

She had an accident.
All over her princess dress.
All over her car seat.
Into her brand new running shoes.

I didn't have a spare outfit, or shirt, or anything.
No panties.
NOTHING.

So with 3 wipes and a too-small-diaper stolen from her brother, I cleaned her up and covered her business.  But it was chilly tonight - she got pee on her jacket - I couldn't just let her go naked!

Typically, at least one of the girls is wearing numerous layers and could spare some article of clothing; not this time.  I was wearing my basic workout pants and top...although they were not worked out in today. (gotta stay honest)

I gave her my shirt. She thought that was the funniest thing EVER.

Then I zipped my fleece up to the very top. 

As I was placing Bitty Bean's soaking wet things in a bag, I just started crying.
I honestly don't really know why.
It could be because I'm tired.
Or because I didn't want to have to go home and do dinner and clean up and homework and bed time. Or maybe because I feel extremely behind schedule because of when the flu hit.

But no, I am pretty sure I was crying because I didn't want to do any more laundry.

I had spent most of my day rescuing the house from our illness...but when we returned it was still a wreck.

Dishes.

Laundry.

And one very industrious 5 year old who thought decorating the kid table with a pencil was a good idea.

We danced through dinner. (A complete cop-out for me, I made pancakes.)
Then we all snuggled down in blankets on the floor and watched Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer as dictated by our Advent Calendar/shoe box.

And you know what?

I love being Mama.

LOVE IT.  :)




~Whitney Copyright 2012

Jumping Bean

My exuberant Jumping Bean,

5 years ago, this world became more fun.

Your birth announcement picture

It was a Tuesday. And after 2 (or was it 3?) false alarms, your ding-dong Mommy finally started having real contractions.  I am still thankful for those false alarms, because the 2nd one seemed like the real deal enough to get Grandma to come down to get in on the action.

Grandma and String Bean enjoying brand-new-you

September 25th in Pensacola, Florida.
It was officially fall...but Florida doesn't acknowledge that season until November sometime (maybe). After a fitful night's sleep, I decided to finish out thank-you notes while hoping the annoying cramping would turn into something productive.

Our family of 4!

Once I finished the notes...my belly started visibly contracting. Grandma was keeping a close eye on me (and you!) and we had decided to not do anything - to completely ignore them - until we couldn't anymore.

First time at the beach - 4 days old

Daddy had gone to get a quick work-out in, and then we were all going to have a picnic at the beach.

He changed his plans.
You changed my plans.

Daddy decided to play racquetball for an hour and a half.
Without his cellphone.
Where none of his friends had THEIR cellphones.
Where he couldn't hear the gym paging him.

Look who can stand - and walk - at 1!

Contractions were definitely getting stronger - past the "uncomfortable" stage - and on a consistent pattern. OHMYGOSH. This is the real deal.

Our kind neighbor came over to watch String Bean, Grandma loaded me into the car, and we were about to head to the hospital without Daddy.
Some would say I was mildly annoyed at Daddy.
A more accurate description would be stark raving mad.

You were a purple-fairy-princess for Halloween when you were 2

As we started to pull out of the apartment parking lot, Daddy pulled up with his friend. Quickly he assessed what was going on, and he said, "Hang on. I need to shower."

That didn't really calm me down.

A little over 2 years old

Grandma was a neutral party who did a very good job calming the crazy woman 

and enlightening the late-arriving Daddy.

We arrived at the hospital at 12:30, and my water broke at 2:30.

Around 4:00, things started to get fun. That was when my body kicked in high gear and said it was almost time to evict you. :)


At 5:15 I thought I needed to push, but I wasn't completely ready. 
NOT pushing, when even your toenails are screaming PUSH!!!!!!!!, is rather challenging.  
At 5:25, they cleared me to push, and 3 pushes later, at 5:29, you screamed to wake the dead.

2 and half...full of personality

Seriously.

Hospital staff were coming in to see you because they had never heard a newborn scream so loudly. 

I wish I could say my first words to you were sweet and loving.
But they weren't.
When they held you up and showed me your 8lb 8oz self, I just said:

"Holy crap. She's HUGE!!"

2 and a half - posing in your own way

Then I cried. The ugly cry. You were so beautiful and so strong and so healthy. And so stinkin' LOUD. I loved finally getting to touch the strong legs that had bruised my abdominal cavity; to touch the elbows that loved hanging out in my ribs.

Grandma cut the cord.
Daddy hugged you.

We all fell in love with you.

Our sweet Jumping Bean, I'm so very thankful that I get to be your Mama. My life is brighter, better, and bouncier, because of you. I'm so glad you're my girl; and I'm even more glad you're God's girl.

5 years old!

Happy 5th birthday.

Love,

Your Mama

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

Slightly Belated....

Well, I will probably start writing full sentences again in about 2 weeks.

Why 2 weeks?

Because in 2 weeks we will be done with our first year of home schooling!!

It has really been a GREAT year.
It has really been a HARD year.

Seriously.  I've realized I should be labeled a reluctant homeschooler. I've loved many things about this year....and I've struggled with many things this year. (More on all that in about 2 weeks.) :)

Yesterday marked Mother's Day - as I am sure most of you realized.  It kinda snuck up on me.

(Like every holiday and birthday and special day in the past 9 months or so...9 months....that is the same time that I've been homeschooling! Coincidence? I think not.)

I'm so thankful to be Mama. 

To wear this title.
To have the tired eyes, the snot covered shoulders, the peanut butter and jelly smeared pants.
I'm thankful for the stretching. (Thankful for the figurative kind....not so much the literal)

I'm thankful for my Mama....a woman I'm becoming more like almost every second.  A woman I want to be like. A Mama who passionately attacks life and desperately loves her family.

I'm  thankful for my Mama-in-law...a woman I want to be like. A Mama who joyfully sacrifices for her family.

I'm thankful for my "Mama support team." The women I watch and learn from. The women in various phases of mothering....from Grandma's, to Mama's of teenagers, to New Mama's, to Prayer Mama's....I don't know what I'd do without each of them!

On Mother's day, I want to celebrate so much more than the Mama's who wear the title - the one's with strollers, and hurting backs, and obscene amounts of laundry - I want to celebrate the women who realize that no matter where they are, there is someone they could be (and probably are!) nurturing, encouraging, and loving.

Happy Mother's Day!

~Whitney


 Copyright 2012

Sometimes.....

(Regarding yesterday)

Sometimes....Motherhood is really hard.

Sometimes....everyone is crying and needing something and hungry and you just want to join right in with your own tears.

Sometimes...you just don't want to do what you are supposed to do.

Sometimes....you feel like all you do is repeat yourself, and repeat yourself, and repeat.....

Sometimes....discouragement is very easy to come by.

But.

Sometimes...Motherhood is Really, really fantastic. And amazing. And Grand.

Sometimes...you get to have a conversation with the little people in your care and speak to their heart - and HEAR their heart.

Sometimes...your house is full of sounds that are so beautiful you want to freeze the moment. You want to record it and have the laughter and giggles and "I love you" and squeals, played over and over.

Sometimes...the lessons are applied and the ears are open and you see glimpses of the wonderful people your children can become.

Sometimes...the perspective is right.

Today (unfortunately) is like the first set of "sometimes". It has been a battle. A war of wills.
And I have lost my temper. I have been discouraged.

But those sweet little sinful people who push my buttons and stretch me painfully and give me wrinkles and laughlines and gray hairs and loads upon loads of laundry.....THEY will wake up tomorrow ready for another adventure. Another great day....and I pray my perspective is right.

~Whitney


Copyright 2011

It's time....

So, I knew this day was coming.

Every beginning has an end.

But, even though I was eagerly anticipating the end....I was also anxiously awaiting the final moment.

That moment when your life changes forever is sometimes loud and obvious 

(Like a move, or a death, or a huge decision)

...and sometimes it is quiet and barely noticeable 

(Like walking by a guy in an country line dance club, or a surprise plus sign, or 

landing on a church via the internet because it starts with "A")

She is NOT covered in blood - it is the Christmas Oreo filling.

I would have never thought 3 years and 2 months ago (October, 2008), a phase was beginning and would last until now. I didn't think I was starting a bootcamp phase of change.

But it did.  And I was.

What happened way back then? What is ending now?

Pregnancy and Breastfeeding.

Yes, I was pregnant with String Bean in 2005, and Jumping bean in 2007; but I breastfed them for one month and two months (Respectively), so I had breaks in between of not sustaining life.

When I found out I was pregnant with Bitty Bean....on October 31st, 2008....just before I went out with friends as Sarah Palin....it started a 38-month-long period of pregnancy/breastfeeding/breastfeeding pregnant/pregnancy/breastfeeding.

And it just ended. 

December 6th was not a remarkable day; except that was the day Boy Bean didn't nurse.  And hasn't nursed since then. It was so unremarkable - so quiet of an exit - I almost didn't notice. It has taken me a week to just have time to process the final end of this phase.

This place where I was physically made aware of my selfishness and my challenge at putting others before myself.

I never thought I would breastfeed for a whole year (Add that to the list!) - but I am so glad I did. Now, as I'm packing up my nursing cover, nursing tanks, and breast pads, it seems almost surreal.

My little beans are growing up.

Maybe, just maybe, so am I.

~Whitney
Ps. Extended thoughts on breastfeeding/personal anecdotes may just need to find an outlet on this blog.

Copyright 2011

Workin' It Out...

Soooo, you know how I ran that 1/2 marathon over Labor Day weekend?

(2 whole months ago.)

And you know how I've stated loud and clear that I love to run?

And thoroughly enjoy working out?

How I even miss it during late pregnancy and post-partum?

Well, ummmmmm.....that makes this kinda awkward.

I haven't worked out. Or run. AT ALL. Since my race.  ZERO. 

(Yeah, that was 2 whole months ago.)

And you know what? I'm okay with that.  I will get back to working out - but right now, I'm going through my expectations on myself and carefully examining them to see what is REALLY important.

Notice a lack of bloggage lately?? Yeah, well, that was on the chopping block also.

I just don't see the need to beat myself up over stuff not getting done that doesn't have to get done in the first place! 

So, I've relieved myself of the requirements of working out, blogging, and just basically working every second I'm awake. And you know what? It is totally AWESOME! Who says I need to do all the stuff I think I need to do?

I mean, really, will the world stop turning if I go to bed without wiping my counters down? 

I will be honest (that's what I do!) I have still not lost all my pregnancy weight. 

And I am sleeping just fine at night. 

Who cares if I don't look like a movie star? 

Or don't have the same body I had at 20? 

Why do I think I should look the same?! 

This body has carried and birthed 4 human beings - 4 people!!! - and has sustained life consecutively since October of 2008.
(Can you say 'Identity crisis' for whenever Boy Bean finishes nursing?! But more on that another day)

Working out and blogging will pick back up again sometime...

hopefully soon....but until then I'm giving myself a break.  

(But not with a kit-kat cuz those are gross)

Copyright 2011

Honest!

So, I could write a post about today outlining how it is only 1:15pm and

.....I already have dinner cooking in the crock pot filling the house with yummy smells....

Chicken cacciatore :)

....We only have to review our spelling words and school will be done for the day - even with some extra-fun of hunting for videos all about caves,

....all 4 children have been fed - TWICE! - and kept with clean bums!

(As in rear-ends, not a tidy person off the street)

....all beds have been made,

.....I made 2 days worth of fresh applesauce for the boy.

And, while all of the above is true...it is NOWHERE NEAR the whole story.

I haven't showered yet.

Not a single dish has been done.

(Including emptying the clean dishes from the dishwasher.)

The house is swiftly exploding on itself.

And I still need to get to the commissary.

Oh well.

Just keeping it real folks.

I hope you get your "have to's" (and even some of your "want to's") done today; but if you don't, it will be okay.

We can both rest our feet on the pile of laundry currently procreating throughout the house.....

Copyright 2011

My Dear Girl....

Dear String Bean,

6th birthday

Yesterday marked 6 years of being a mommy.

Your mommy. I had no idea when I first saw a plus sign (well, 5 plus signs) what amazing joy and exhausting hurt would come from this title and position.

33 weeks along

In these 6 years you have taught me so much more than I have taught you...

Because of you, I've learned what it means to fully rely on someone.

Because of you, I've learned that I don't know it all - by a long shot.

Because of you, I started to comprehend how little sleep a person really needs to function.

You've forced me to learn how to schedule.

I am better woman, a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend - because of you.

4th birthday

I LOVE YOU my little String Bean. I am so sorry for the hurts you have borne because of me.

5th birthday

Your tender heart has been bruised by my careless words.

5th birthday

I am full of regret for believing the lie that I could "over-hold" you as an infant. I wish I could go back and re-do those days and nights where I just desperately wanted a minute to myself.

You have always been treasured and loved! 

From the very first shock of your existence to this very second.

Happy 6th birthday to a girl I am fortunate enough to call daughter.

Love,

Your Mama

Copyright 2011