The Crazy....

So, just a few days ago I wrote about how this separation was going. And how it is going Really, really well. But in that post I said this:

I'm not saying the goodbye was cake and that it didn't hurt. It did. I'm not saying that tears have disappeared from the house. I'm just saying that we are all doing really, really, well on the home front.

At this moment....it can flip all crazy in a split second.

Well, it has.
The truth is - I AM tired.
But not from a lack of sleep.
I'm tired of battling every. little. thing. out with a particular 2 year-old man-child.

Today, as he started his 10th fit of screaming, snotting, and writhing on the ground (In public)...something in me just broke.

I'm tired of complete strangers offering their opinion of what is wrong with Boy when he is throwing a fit.
I'm tired of outlasting the fits.
I'm tired of constantly questioning if I'm doing the right thing, making the right decision, handling it correctly.

So, when I was wrestling his stiff-as-a-board body into his car seat....accompanied by his guttural screams where he attempts to lose his voice....I was able to hold it together. I stayed calm. I miraculously got him buckled. Then I calmly went around and buckled Bitty Bean.

But, after closing the door of the Swagger Wagon?
I just stood there in the empty school parking lot and cried.
I climbed into the driver's seat with 3 of my sweet children buckled in behind me, and cried. The ugly cry. The 'I'm overwhelmed and just would like him to obey happily and quickly because I'm tired of fighting him' cry.

I know people will say - ask for help. But the kicker is I can't ask for help in this one. He's not having power struggles with all of humanity. He's not fighting and kicking the entire world.
It is just with me.
His mama.
And I can't outsource these battles.
These are battles only I can fight. Because they are battles only I must win.

We've been battling everything out for weeks now...but today took it to a new level. We normally only have one fit a day - and that is anywhere from 15-45 minutes. (Although one day it was an hour and 15) But today? Today we had one GOOD hour. Of the entire day. And that is obscenely exhausting.
Clearly.

It will be worth it in the end. I'm sure of it. 

I just had no idea "strong-willed child" came with a turbo feature.

I must go - 

my reservation for "Crazy mama, table for 1" is ready.

(and if you think about it...please pray for my endurance.)

~Whitney
 Copyright 2013

A milestone...

Last week, I wrote a post to My Little Dude on his 2nd birthday. This birthday was kinda a big deal. A big deal that wasn't fully registered until Sunday. (And then it really wasn't processed until yesterday)

Turning 2 meant my Boy Bean adventured out of the baby nursery...and on to the toddler side. He is now in an actual Sunday School class. He's with big kids. He is in the same class as Bitty Bean. And he LOVED it. (So I gather, he still isn't saying much)

But it was oddly challenging for me. This is why: Sunday was the first day in 7 and a half years that I didn't put a baby in the baby nursery. You would think it wouldn't be challenging - and it wasn't.  But it was. It is like every single phase - full of hope and excitement and nervousness for what will come; tinged with sadness knowing certain things will never happen again with my sweet beans.

I know the day is coming - speeding towards me - where my little beans won't be little. When they will no longer need to be tucked in at night. When their soft, little hands won't seek mine when they are nervous, or frightened, or scared. The diaper bag is being replaced with the backpack, the ballet bag, and sports gear.

In fact, this Sunday was full of another milestone - our String Bean had her ears pierced. She's growing up too. She's no longer that little baby girl I knew.

And I'm happy. I'm thankful for the gift of watching my little people grow up. I ache for those who don't have any more moments to hope for in this life.

And I'm sad. Because these next moments will disappear as fast as the last ones...maybe faster. I will turn around one day, and these sweet little ones that fill all my moments and need me and want me...they will no longer be little. They will be off on their own adventures and I'll be left with them filling my heart and not my home. They will be capable to handle their needs and, hopefully, some of their wants.

How do they grow so fast?

I'm also sad because I know there will be numerous milestones reached over the next year  - and My Love will miss them. When he returns from his deployment, most likely, every child will be in a new phase. And we won't get those seconds back.

Parenthood, such a perfect pairing of happy and sad. 

Of overflowing, heartbreaking, LOVE.

~Whitney
 Copyright 2013

To My Little Dude....

Boy,

I love you.

I love your fire for life.

I love your stubbornness.

I love your bright eyes.

I love your sloppy kisses.

I love your dimple in your right cheek.

I love your sticky fingers.

I love your hearty belly laugh.

I love how completely masculine you are.

How you automatically jump to the rescue of your sisters and your mama.

I love watching your Daddy play with you.

I love you.

All of you. 

From your sleep-walking-into-doors, random roaring,  ready smile, and death stare - I love it all.

When you decided to make your entrance 2 years ago - I didn't know how utterly different things would be with a boy. Seeing the differences has deepened my love for all 4 of you children.

Your birth was not what I had envisioned - but it was perfectly you.  Funny, spontaneous, calm, crazy.

I don't know where these last 2 years have gone, but I'm pretty sure I spent at least 50% either changing diapers, feeding, or parenting. :)  I'll admit, I'm nervous about the upcoming year with Daddy gone. You are so much of him, parenting without him is going to be extra hard.

I can't believe you insist on growing up! I wore you in a sling or a back pack constantly...hoping it would delay your walking. (Not really!) But on this day last year - you took your first step. At your Great-Grandpa's funeral. It seemed so fitting that as one passed away, a little one took literal steps toward independence.

Your vocabulary is/was very limited...primarily filled with grunts and pointing....since you have 3 sisters talking for you. But the flood gates opened in October when you learned a key word (you already said "mama," "dada," "No," and "NOOOOOOOOOO!")  POOP. That is right. Poop. Somehow, being able to say that word opened the door for all sorts of other words. Now, you rarely say them in public...but I'll take whatever I can get.

All in all, my sweet baby boy, this mama loves you.

Your mischievous grin, blond hair, he-man walk, monkey dance, and eye-popping anger (that will most likely need meds or therapy) - I love it all. 

Some days you will not be very happy with me - with the rules, with the responsibilities, when I tell you no. And that is okay.

But know that no matter what you feel about me - my love for you will never change. 

I will always love you.  

And potentially embarrass you. 

But definitely love you. 

Mama

~Whitney Copyright 2012

Rock Star

So, you know those parenting moments where you are like "YEAH! I am TOTALLY AWESOME!!!"

You know the kind where the children are angelic and the entire evolution turns out BETTER than you imagined?

Well, tonight was not that night.

(Last night was though!)

Backstory...

For the first time in the history of me being a mother...we are doing an Advent calendar. I grew up with an Advent calendar full of chocolate and remember LOVING it. So, I thought I'd do something similar for my beans...but with a twist.

Twist 1 - candy only happens on, like, 3 days.
Twist 2 - there are activities, service to others, special memory making moments, and a couple gifts, scattered throughout the 24 days.

To put tonight in perspective, you need to know that Saturday (day 1) was a home run. I mean the kids LOVED opening the box full of envelopes and seeing what the day would hold.

"Write a letter/draw a picture for someone you love who DOESN'T live in our house"

They raced to the box of paper and crayons and sat down to create...Bitty Bean chose her Sunday School teachers, Jumping Bean choose her kindergarten teacher, String Bean chose her 2nd grade teacher, and Boy Bean picked his Papa. (For real - he pointed at his picture and said "yes yes"!)

all in jams heading to the lights!

Sunday (day 2) found us putting jams on and loading in our swagger wagon to hit up some Christmas lights. Norfolk's Botanical Garden does an AMAZING job and the children LOVED it. Squeals of delight, echoes of "WOW", "look at that!", and "it is sooo beautiful!"filled the car for 45 minutes. Total and complete WIN.

So today (day 3), when they raced to the box with eager anticipation, I was pretty sure tonight would be another WIN.

"Have marshmallows and hot chocolate for dessert after a cheese fondue dinner."

I mean, c'mon. How fun is it to dip food in cheese? Broccoli, wienies, bread, cauliflower...all things they love...being dipped in their favorite melty cheese!

Well, apparently, the texture was "totally weird." (String Bean)
And the taste was "gross and sour" (Jumping Bean)
And the consistency was "icky icky sticky!" (Bitty Bean)

Boy Bean is currently my favorite because he ate it (begrudgingly), but since he doesn't speak, I don't really know how he felt.

Bitty Bean and Boy Bean actually didn't eat lunch....they weren't hungry. So I felt terrible making them go without dinner too! I offered to make them a PB&J. Which they each consumed 1/4 of.

Poor Jumping Bean and String Bean had hearty lunches - and the volume with which they protested our special dinner did not earn them points.  No alternate food option for them.

Onward I persevered, thinking surely hot/warm chocolate and marshmallows will gain favor with these ridiculous food critics!

Nope.

Too hot.
Too cold.
Lumpy.
Messy.
Sticky.
Even the Boy stuck his tongue out at the marshmallows!

Oh well. You win some and you lose some!

Guess we won't have any birthday dinners at the Melting Pot. :)


~Whitney Copyright 2012

Oh Poop.

You think your job is crappy?

It is unfortunate for my children that I have a blog. 

Because, when we have experiences like we did this week, I put them on the world wide web. 

No longer do embarrassing stories stay relegated to the baby book or the birthday dinner. 

Nope. 

Now they are easily accessed by anyone in the world. 

At any time.

Payback is sweet.

Poor, poor, Bitty Bean. She has regressed in her potty training. For some reason (Most likely because My Love is away) she has not pooped in the toilet for the last week.

She has pooped. Just not on the throne.

(Which is odd because she has not had a problem with it for over 6 months, and I totally call it a throne and let them be Queens when they use toilet.)

I would like to say that I have been a calm, kind, and loving Mommy every time I have scraped poop out of her underwear and then washed them in the toilet.

I can't. 

I have lost it and gone close to stark raving mad most times.


In fact, on Thursday when she called my name from upstairs and I went to see what she needed and I looked up and saw naked business covered in poop, I might have popped a blood vessel. But when I went in the bathroom and accidentally placed my bare foot in still-warm-poo on the just-mopped floor...quickly lifted up my foot...lost my balance....and planted my foot in another piece on the freshly-washed rug....something snapped.

I told that little Poop Power Plant to stay right where she was. Then, I went into my own bathroom and muttered many unwritable things under my breath.

Eventually, I was able to clean her, the floor, the rug, and the toilet up.

So, that all brings me to Saturday. Saturday. The day where Boy Bean decided it was his shift at the Poop Power Plant. Before I continue about him, let me say - he has pooped every day this week. Like clockwork. Mid-morning and mid-afternoon - perfectly on schedule.


But Saturday would have convinced anyone that the work site had been under construction for a while, because, he loaded 9 - NINE - poop diapers.

I apologize to the neighborhood for how much my trash bins stink. 

I wasn't upset, or even annoyed. Clearly, he needed to clean out his system. However, the veritable straw that broke this Mama's back....came from the Bitty Bean.

She was quiet - which is always wildly disconcerting in this house of insane mayhem - so I went hunting. There she was, hiding in the living room, with a green cloud of smog surrounding her.

This time, I didn't get angry.

I sat down and cried. 
Real tears streamed down my face...my nose was already running from the smell.

Quietly I took her and the Boy to my bathroom to clean her up and bathe them both.

And that is when I discovered Bitty Bean's current poop in her panties....was her 2nd of the day. I knew that because, dear people, there was poop clearly smeared on the front of my toilet...on the toilet seat...and a slight smattering on the floor.  As I wiped the tears and squared my shoulders for the next cleaning job...

She slowly turned her big, brown eyes at me and said, "I just wanted to clean it up!"


And then, I laughed. And showed her how to use a Lysol Wipe.

At least my bathrooms are getting clean!

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

Flight Suit Diaper Bag...

So, my poor Boy Bean has been getting picked on because his diaper bag is too girly.

(I mean, it totally IS girly...but it doubles as my purse! )

I had meant to make him a little messenger bag from handed down camo a LONG Time ago - but somehow never got to it. 

However, I have never been so glad that I am a lazy procrastinator, because if I had made that camo bag....I wouldn't have needed to do what I did this week!

Courtesy of My Love - I had 2 old flight suits in my fabric stash. I had mainly kept them for scraps...there are a lot of zippers-pockets-velcro-hardware on those things!...but last week I was struck with the extremely exciting idea of converting THEM into Boy Bean's diaper bag!

Garnering inspiration (and ballpark measurements and theoretical directions) from Delia, I embarked on my second sewing project of the summer. Hoping against hope to not have an epic fail.  (My first project was a tent I made for Bitty Bean's 3rd birthday - WILD Success!!)

Also courtesy of My Love, the bag became exponentially cooler....and exponentially more difficult. :)  He suggested the use of all his old patches to liven up the all green bag - pure genius!

I'm excited about a bag so full of Daddy hand-me-downs. 

Mainly for sentimental reasons, and partly because every last item was free. 

Please don't look closely at the stitching. I'm not very good. I'm definitely getting better with all this practice - but that puts me solidly at the "okay" level. 

The finished product! 

The best part is - I had made this bag so Boy Bean would have one manly thing in this house full of pink...but while I was taking pictures...he was off on a hot wheel.

A HOT PINK HOT WHEEL!!!

I guess I could worry about him and wonder if he will be able to find his way surrounded by all of us women.

But I'm pretty sure this little man, the one with the crazy hair, and laughing eyes, I think he'll do alright.

Even surrounded by our sea of pink My Little Ponies - he still knows how to roar.

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012

Moments....

You know those moments that make you stop - hold your breathe - freeze the image in your mind?
Those moments that allow you to see - really, truly, see - the person in front of you?

We all went and celebrated Bitty Bean's 3rd birthday (2 weeks early) while My Love was still home. That time spent eating Chinese (her request) and enjoying the doughnut shop (her request about a billion times)  as a family...was chock full of moments I wanted to freeze.

Often, I find myself too busy, too pre-occupied, too tired, or too distracted, for those moments to occur.

Especially when the person I'm supposed to be seeing...is one of my little Beans.  

Somehow, these people, these four little treasures that I get to be with almost 100% of the time - they can go unnoticed. Unknown. Ignored.  This was brought to my attention recently, by my String Bean. She said, "Mommy, I wish you'd spend more time with us."


My first reaction was shock - I'm with you 'round the clock! What do you mean "MORE" time!?  Instead of saying those words, I just asked her, "What kind of time?"

And my little-6-year-old-philosopher said, "Time where we can just be. Together."

Maybe I'm the only person who has experienced the loss of vision towards those they love the most.  I'm moving so fast to take care of the next thing, go to the next event, clean the next mess, or just find a moment of quiet....that I forget the real next thing to take care of, is a person.

The next event could be the discovery of a leaf - or a loose tooth - or skipping - or listening to a song. The next mess might not be broken items, it might just be a hurting heart or bruised feelings caused by a careless word.
Sometimes, in the cacophony that is my home, I need to step back and treasure the ruckus instead of resenting the absence of quiet.

Now that school is out and My Love is gone...

(Because during the school year I was too tired, and there are all sorts of whacked out emotions going on when Daddy is away)

...we have reinstated some rituals that help me to see my children - things that also help them see each other as well. One thing they think is wonderful is where we take turns saying something about each other that we just utterly LOVE.  Those things that if that person didn't do - our day would not sparkle quite as much.  Here are the highlights of the week....

We decided that if Bitty Bean didn't talk about poop so much...we wouldn't laugh nearly enough. If we didn't hear her singing...or her spontaneous "I love you"...or her constant requests for brownies and/or chocolate...the day would be not quite right.

We discovered that even though Boy Bean attacks unsuspecting people at random - with fiendish delight - we all know that when he jumps on our heads, he is just saying "I love you."  There is no sound so fantastic as his belly laugh. We love watching him eat and savor and experience each bite.

We love that Jumping Bean wakes up so silly...because her smiles and giggles and hugs just start the day out right. We love how fiercely she hugs and kisses. Her little sister loves how Jumping Bean takes care of her...and her big sister loves how Jumping Bean is such a good friend. I love her zest and passion for life.

We all agreed String Bean's hugs are marvelous. The sisters also talked about how great String Bean is at helping them not be scared or nervous. They love her silly faces and crazy jokes. I love how she takes initiative and has a tender heart.

What a treat to sit down and learn about the things that are important to my children. Especially when they decided to say the things they love about me. They love hugs. Silly dances during breakfast. Playing in the pool. Reading together. When I wipe their bum. (Seriously. That was from Bitty Bean.)

I was reminded that while I may not always freeze the moments - there are always more to be made.

~Whitney
 Copyright 2012