The Joy and Pain of Motherhood...part 2

So here's the deal. I think it is high time for a funny/lighthearted post. Here is my current attempt...

Recently, (at a friend's wedding) I was slapped in the face by one of those totally-awesome-I-must-rock-at-being-a-mom moments. (Yep, I said it. Because it is true.)

My String Bean and Jumping Bean were flower girls...I was a bridesmaid....and I was nervous as all get out that my children would behave horribly. You know, behave in a way that could win us a million dollars or something on America's Funniest Videos for their fits in the aisle...or the dress being drawn over one of their heads while standing at the front (they wore white underwear - not princess panties - specifically to ward off that behavior)....or picking their nose and wiping it on their sister's dress. But - and it is hard to say this - as much as a million dollars would be nice...I think our family honor, reputation, and friendship with the bride and groom is a bit high of a price to pay.

None of that really has anything to do with the point. It is basically just to show you that I, in fact, would need 2 million to make it worth it. 

Anyway, as my beans and I were sitting on the front row during the ceremony - String Bean to my right, Jumping Bean on my lap - I was crying.

Before you judge me - remember I had just said goodbye to My Love, hadn't slept in 3 days, was watching two dear friends declare their love for one another....and I am pregnant. (None of that really is a recipe for stoicism.) 

In my Bean's defense - Mommy randomly crying is really not news. They are quite used to it. It doesn't scare them or unnerve them; they just pat my arm, or hand, and give me a tissue.

I am really rambling.

Thankfully, they not only walked down the aisle perfectly...they stood at the front like angels! No picking of noses, no fidgeting, no freaking out. It was amazing. I knew at that moment I had arrived. I had this mom-thing down.

(Side bar - during the majority of the ceremony, the bridal party sat down in the 2nd row.)

All of a sudden during the vows - Jumping Bean turned around in my lap, cupped my face with her hands, and said "Mommy, I love you."  Then she kissed me. Highly abnormal behavior for her...utter treat for me.

Didn't really help with me getting control of myself.

Just moments after that exchange, String Bean looked up at my face with glistening eyes and whispered, "Mommy, I'm not sad...my heart is just so happy it squeezed tears out! Can I have a tissue?"  Of course, I had plenty to spare.

So, while there are moments that the pain of motherhood - the sleepless nights, the worry, the expense, the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual battering - feels overwhelming and all consuming; they are (thankfully) not all you get.

There are moments of extreme joy and comfort and happiness....

Where your heart is just so happy it squeezes tears out. 

And that is the beautiful dichotomous gift that is motherhood.

Copyright 2010

On Beyond Leaving...

I have not completely lost it...yet.
I haven't really had time. Or energy.

I looked at my calendar and wrote down when I could have my breakdown about My Love leaving, and String Bean starting school...Sunday night from 9:00-11:00pm, you'll know where to find me.


Yep. I schedule my breakdowns.  It actually is a bit of a relief.  I know I only have to hold it together...keep most of the tears and freakout moments in check for a few days...and then I can rent that chick flick and sob to my heart's content.  Don't really know if it is a healthy way to do things or not; but its my way, and it works.  (Don't worry - I do cry in front of the beans....I just try not to do the snot-running-down-your-face-lost-all-control-cry in front of them. That would freak them out.)

So I've learned that if I set a particular standing date with myself to lose it...I stay waaaaay more sane. Supposedly.  Maybe not. But it makes me feel better - and you should stop judging me.

My day yesterday was actually REALLY, REALLY, great. However, I would like you to note I didn't say "Smooth," or "Restful." In fact, it had numerous bumps and bruises....and minimal sleep.

After dropping My Love off, spending quality time crying with the beans, driving home, unloading all beans, tucking them to bed, comforting them again, putting away all things that somehow jump out of place, and finally collapsing into bed (glorious BED!), I fell asleep. At 12:30.  Alarm was set to go for 6:00...not a ton of sleep, but definitely workable.  (I've found I can run on 5 hours a night for 5 nights...then I need to recover and get 7 or 8 hours) The theory of sleep is always good....but for a Mama of almost 4...it is most often just an idea, and not an actuality.  Chilly Bean decided to wake up SEVEN TIMES between 1 and 5.  And Boy Bean decided to jump on my bladder - hard - so I also had to wake up one time for my own reasons.

All of you people in the world out there who are sleeping through the night...and maybe even sleeping in on Saturdays....I hate you.  Not really.  But sometimes I am exceedingly jealous.

My Jumping Bean falls, and walks into walls, and trips, and bumps into things, constantly. Really.  WALLS.  (Its not like they move....I don't really get it.)   

But when she is distracted - the poor thing should be wrapped in bubble wrap. Unfortunately, today she was distracted. 

In the span of TEN MINUTES she tripped and smacked her head on the corner of a wall, (Immediate bruising and egg-size-swollen-knot on her forehead) and then twirled and cut her knee, and then closed her fingers in a drawer.

For the record - she is not known for her quiet spirit. There was much yelling. And snot. (I really detest snot. It is just utterly gross...and always on my shoulder.)

Anyway, during all of this..the phone rang...Chilly Bean pooped...String Bean went on a hunger strike (again)...and we all needed shoes on to get out the door in time.

We were late.

And that, is a REALLY, REALLY, great day.

Copyright 2010

Watching my heart walk away....

Today is a momentous day.

I have the rare treat of getting my heart beat up, not one, but TWO separate times.  (Please note the sarcasm.)  It has been said that being a parent feels like watching your heart walk around outside your body...so does being a military spouse.  (More on that tomorrow)

This morning we were awakened 5 minutes before the alarm went off by an extremely excited 5 year old.  Our little String Bean was so excited about her first day of school she woke up...early...on her own....because she "didn't want to be late for school."  (!)  :)

String Bean and her backpack

After the morning routine of feeding, cleaning, and dressing the natives that keep me smiling and exhausted; all 5 of us piled into the "Big Car" and took String Bean to school.  (Hallelujah! Her school starts at 10!)  She was thrilled beyond words - not even a trace of nervousness.  I, however, was inwardly fretting myself to death.  After packing and re-packing her lunch....and worrying about if she had enough food....or too much....or if it was strange and would cause her to be made fun of.....I realized I AM THAT MOTHER.  

You know, the mom who can't let go of her baby?  The one who looks at her big 5 year old child walking into a classroom and wonders if she'll remember......fill in the blank?  You know the mom who has raised her child to be independent and capable - and is thrilled the child actually IS those things - but still has a bit of a sore heart as she watches the tiny baby that brought the gift of motherhood into her life step into the Great Big world? That mom?  Well, That Mom is Me.

I really did fine. No tears. No lump in my throat. Just smiles and pride that my little girl is growing up.

Until.

Jumping Bean all dressed up

Until we had been gone an hour (Having a WONDERFUL time with Jumping Bean and Chilly Bean), and Jumping Bean said "I think we can go get Canaan now."  

I felt the exact same way. 

After we picked String Bean up from school - 4 WHOLE HOURS later - we returned home and heard all about her amazing day.  She truly had the best time ever. EVER.

As My Love and I sat down with her, hearing all about every minute detail, we were thrilled to know it had gone so very well.  Then I reiterated to her what else was happening today.

My Love is deploying.  Until the end of the year.

We will get to take him to the airport late tonight, hug him, kiss him, and leave him.  He will not come home with us.  He will go and do his job.

String Bean sat very still, then she crawled into my lap, and sobbed.

When I asked her what she loves most about Daddy she said, "Everything."

I feel the exact same way.

Copyright 2010

Whaaaaat did I just say????

Things I never thought I would say.....but have. Over and over again.


1.  Stop crying - or I'll give you something to cry about. 
2.  If you don't stop your whining I will just TURN THIS CAR AROUND.
3.  If you want to engage in a battle of wills - I WILL win. I am exponentially more stubborn than you.
4. We keep our dresses DOWN.  SERIOUSLY! Stop putting the hem over your head!!!
5.  No!  You don't put your hand up Mommy's dress! Or Skirt! Or Shirt! 
6.  (Always immediately after #5)  AND NEVER pull Mommy's Panties down!!!! (Lena - I will be using this story at your wedding....rest assured.)
7.  Don't eat food out of the TRASH CAN!
8.  You can't just kiss strangers....even IF you just found out their name....they are STILL a stranger.
9.  Whatever it is...the answer is NO.
10.  Stop messing with each other and just sit there and play with yourself. (Okay - so that one I've only said once....but it was pretty funny!)


Do you have any phrases you would like to contribute?
Copyright 2010