Motherhood is hard.
I'm sure many of you knew that - or assumed that. But the truth is? It is actually wickedly harder than you ever anticipate. You aren't supposed to admit that it is hard or that you are tired or have no idea how to handle a problem. But I've never been very good at all that jazz.
So here's the deal - the whole truth.
I love my four beans. I love them more than I thought a heart could love. I pray for them, I parent them, I protect them, I push them, I provide them with clean clothes and food, I play with them. But sometimes I wonder - If I had KNOWN back in the beginning, how much work all of this would be....would I do it over?
Would I have so many, so very close together?
Honestly, some days - the hard days, the never-stop-repeating-myself days, the endless-mess days - I question if we really thought this through.
Were we fair to our kids to put them so close? Were we fair to ourselves?
Because this is a seriously heavy load. Not sometimes - All. The. Time.
I'm finally getting to the point where I'm no longer elbow-deep in poop. I'm sleeping through the night on a consistent basis. I'm finally able to finish a sentence every now and again. They are all big enough they can do some things for themselves (even Boy Bean!). I can accomplish a task beyond bare-minimum-basic-need.
And it is wonderful.
And a little bit sad.
This is the first time I have had a toddler without a newborn.
To you mama's in the thick of it - of the meltdowns, the non-existent-sleep, the 4 hour ordeal to get groceries - you will make it.
It is hard.
Some days, it will feel insurmountable.
But you will make it.
You will reach a day - very soon - where your babies will go off on adventures without you.
A day when a poop doesn't make someone scream for a bum-wipe.
You will sleep again.
Your brain will come back.
Thankfully, this time of craziness beyond belief, is just a phase.
A challenging, stretching, exhausting, overwhelming phase.
Were we fair to our kids to put them so close?
I don't know. They will each develop differently because of where they fall in the birth order and how smashed together they are (I mean, 4 kids in 5 years and 4 months is rather close!), but I pray they turn out well despite the lack of personal space.
Were we fair to ourselves?
I guess if we had planned differently, My Love and I could have had the expected adult experiences. We might have traveled more, we might have had hobbies, we might have saved more money, I might have gotten my degree.
If I had known how much work this would require - I probably would not have chosen it.
BUT that is because while it is possible to see how much work it is...it is not possible to measure the reward.
Motherhood is hard. It is wonderful. No matter what your family looks like - there are days that pound you. On those days, the thing I'm most thankful for is that I don't have to repeat it.
But the flip side is also true - You won't get to repeat these days.
Let's make them count.